The Mind Without A Soul

The Mind Without a soul

When I look back on myself when I was younger, before my struggle started to get serious , I remember my view on the world was more a view of my imagination with the help of the world I mislead myself in my arrogance and imagination, I didn't want to see things for what they really where.

When my struggle started to put more pressure on me and I was starting to fall down, I felt nothing but hate and disgust over others and myself, shame, guilt, remorse and the lust for vengeance. I started to feel apathetic and didn't saw any value in life, I questioned life quite often and concluded that the reason we live is basically our instinct telling us to keep yourself alive and make sure you leave tracks after you when you die. But what was the reason? There was no point in it since it was just an never ending loop that doesn't fill a purpose. We get born, we live, we reproduce and die. Through this apathetic perspective I started to see connections between the meaning of life and the meaning of everything. What was the reason that everything existed when nothing had a point of being there, well of course everything filled a purpose, but what's the goal? This led me to be more careless and the lust to live decayed, I found no meaning in anything.

After a long period of time, and a couple of attempts to change my perspective to a more positive one and many attempts to climb up again, but in vain, I was starting to give up. I began to unconsciously forge my inner identity after this apathetic point of view on everything. I left the morale and emotions behind since I felt no need for it, I changed my view on my thoughts of myself and others. Since I couldn't find any emotion to look through, except the emotion that was left, anger. But I knew I wouldn't come anywhere by letting my dominant emotion lead me, so I started to suppress it. I began to see things from a neutral perspective, outside of my emotions and morale.

I started to reflect over my decisions and acts in life, as well as others. I was starting to change my point of view to observe life in a wider area, I started to ask myself "why?" in every inner dialogue I had with myself. This question "why?" and the combination of my neutral perspective on things, worked like a filter for me to see what I had done wrong and could change and why I reacted on things as I did, what others did wrong and why and what was inevitable. It also made me see to why and how people acted and reacted in general.

As this filter slowly lifted the weight of my shoulders I started to realize the amount of pressure I had put on myself in vain. It also made me see what others had put on my shoulders and the reason they did it for. At the same time I processed this, I started to think of why people made acts and why we react on things as we do. It made me see the true nature of the human, we want to live for our own pleasure and comfort, almost every thought that a human care for is in the very core to make themselves happy and comfortable.

At first this realization made me see nothing but disgust in humans, but then I started to reflect over my reactions to my own perspective on humans, why care for something I cannot change and not just accept the inevitable for what it is. If people have this egoistic base of their thoughts, why not use it for my own good. People are to naive to realize this since we humans glorify ourselves as a caring being over others when we miss the point of WHY we have made a picture of ourselves as a caring and loving being. It's not about caring and loving for others, but for ourselves.

We are a social as well as a greedy and egoistic being, we need each others to satisfy our needs, and our moral builds an illusion that makes us see that we do things for others because we care for others, it is not false that we care for others. But in the very core it is all about ourselves, we protect people we love, why? because we love them of course. But why do we love them? because we find connections between these persons that reminds us of ourselves or that our body senses that the partner has good genes that would give YOU healthy kids, and that these people fill a need in our lives to satisfy our desires. Maybe it's a partner we love and we convince ourselves that we love them for who they are, true! But again, why? Because you want to have kids with this partner and you will find through that something else to care for in life. But why? Well it's your children of course, but why do we care so much about our children? because they will carry on YOUR genetic code, because they are a part of yourself and YOU will live through them even while you are dead. This was just an example on how naive the human mind is to it's own illusions, quite ironic isn't it.

This psychopathic/neutral point of view has started to infiltrate my own mind in the core, changing the base mechanism in my mind to a more semi-sociopathic perspective. being able to see things through a humans, a psychopaths and through natures perspective. It have made my emotions wither, they're still there, but not much of it is left. I don't feel sorry for myself about it, I see it as an revelation to not being able to manipulate myself into my own imaginary world, controlled by my emotions and imaginations, but to try to see things for what they are and why, as well as the purpose of things still in change. At the same time as I see it as an revelation, there is some parts that I don't really like about it, that I can't find the same satisfaction through feelings as I could before, If my mind would have a colour it would be gray.

Something that this perspective have helped me to see, is the different kinds of people, even though we all have the core purpose to satisfy ourselves, it doesn't mean we don't give a shit about people just to put ourselves above others. As a social animal that the human is, we need each others to survive and to please some of our satisfactions, and the human can make great sacrifices to another human being or whatever animal we feel such strong emotional bond to. So strong that the human in some occasions could sacrifice it's own life for another living being. We are all self centered equally in the core, but the core doesn't tell you exactly what person you are. The core is just a base, it is what you build on this base that forms the person you become.

These points of view have also made me to be more sceptical about people who I interact and integrate with in my daily life and never take anything or anyone for granted. I have started to realize that i subconsciously give more attention into peoples body language, the way they put their words, their tone of voice, as well as their behavior in general and I always ask myself why? This to understand of what kind of persons I am interacting or integrating with and is surrounded by to see what their intentions is and for what reasons. At the same time I try to put in different theories of why people behave as they are, these theories is to exclude what is relevant and what is not, which leads me to decide, who to be more sceptical and careful of as well as who I can give trust to and who I can't.

As well as to who I can integrate with to learn from one another. I try to put myself into peoples situation to later try to see it from their perspective to help myself, to gain knowledge and understanding of how I can learn from others in exchange for either friendship, knowledge, favors or to help those that I can gain something from.

As for people with intentions to use me or people I truly care about to manipulate or mock for their own satisfactions. Without a hint, seeds of self destruct will pop up in their minds, and long before they know it I will be their manipulator, leading them down to hell.