To The Man That I Lost Myself To

I used to stay up at night wishing for another opportunity to mend what we used to be.
I wanted a single day in time to repair, what I had thought to be, the perfect relationship.
I had scribbled erratic emotions, in the form of words, onto paper to try and kill us;
I needed to kill our memory, because I had thought that our last kiss was our final memory.

My thoughts were - undeniably - consumed and enthralled in all of which revolved around you.
Life itself had become such a heavy burden to bear while I was wrapped up in your absence.
Activities such as sleep, watching tv, listening to music, even leaving home had shattered me;
Daytime visuals and sounds flooded me with memories, and I'd dream of you come Nightfall.

Days passed into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years, and I was rather surprised;
Finally, Your memory was seeming to completely fade into the endless abyss of incoherency.
I had found even the most trivial of details of - what was - you and I, difficult to project clearly;
My internal cinematic, now reflecting a haze of moments that I had long sought to subdue.

But, just when I thought I'd be able to brush you off - like a forgotten chapter in my life story -
You decide to seek me out and pique my curiosity with clever slurs drenched in charm.
My strive to cross all emotion for you out of my heart, had been thrown into an immediate halt,
And my desire to kill each recalled moment with you, had proven to be poorly executed.

My emotional instability was left defenseless to that full frontal assault, and began to crumble -
As if hit by an emotional freight train - those forgotten emotions exploded into tidal waves.
Your return appearance to my malleable psyche, had resurrected once dead memories,
Even the ones that I, previously, thought I'd managed to eradicate in self destruction.

But everything was completely wrong.
Nothing was what I had anticipated.
I had stumbled into reality,
For the first time in many years.

All of my neatly filed and long buried recollections were being shredded into pieces.
In my personal journey, from missing your presence, to removing the traces of our history,
I had failed to take into account the effects of distance and time from our last meeting.
I was taken aback by the revelation, that this man towering over me, was that boy back then.

I took a moment to inspect the once boy, now man, that I had known and fallen in LOVE with.
I admired how your eyes still stared confidently back at me - even if they were higher up now.
In the first few moments of my shocked, nervous, and inquisitive silence, I analyzed you;
I didn't recognize you anymore; your mannerisms were that of a man I'd never met before.

What I didn't realize during our separation - physical distance, and all the years in between -
Was that you were not who I had initially made myself believe you were; then or now.
You were and are, someone very dissimilar to the persona that was unintentionally given to you,
I had set expectations and idealized a sort of fantasy instead of reiterating on what is reality.

My shattered heart turned in on itself and managed to romanticize your memory over time,
Yet, I couldn't figure when my memory, or my emotions, had began the alteration of our past.
Though, even with my reality being completely altered, right before my own two eyes,
I was still desperately searching for shreds of those romanticized traits in the man before me.

What I thought I loved about you, was true, but magnified into my poetry to make you infinite.
On the other-hand, whatever negative traits you had, were almost eradicated to near nothing.
All this time, without realizing, I had been blindly painting in the warm tones of orange and red,
Calling it a Perfect Replica; Despite the initial work being engulfed in tones of purple and blue.

I had been aching much too long, for remnants of a past that my mind had inadvertently altered.
My heart - blinded by years of longing - was now, painfully, scanning you for any type of lead.
Riding on nothing more than childish, adolescent hopes; that I'd witness, even a minute glimmer,
Of that boy that had loved me impure, and had kissed vacant, an innocence I had yet to learn of.

Somehow, I had remained oblivious to my own, personal, growth among the sands of time;
That sheltered little girl was no longer ingrained into any of my current internal programming.
I was no longer inexperienced with life, I had experienced qualities of life many hadn't yet;
Since our final departure and kiss, I had lived my own life and had developed into myself.

I was ignorant to the fact that, the girl I had started as, was not the Woman that I had become.
That free, open heart, is now locked in chains of caution; Those, once, wide and curious eyes,
Now heavy with a fading will to live and a distrust cold enough to disencourage any intruders.
A smile that had, once, projected enjoyment, had become diluted to protect my vulnerability;

Flawless, almost perfect, tan skin - Eternally imprinted with memories of pain and tears.
The beauty in all of my steps to become who I am now, is that, you have played a BIG part in it.
I don't think I'd be close to who I am now - if it wasn't for the impact you've had on my life.
Though, the effect wasn't wholly positive in nature; it was a necessary contribution to my growth.

I definitely needed someone like you to give me something to look back on so I am able to say,
"I'm doing so much better than he is, and I hope it kills him inside to see me smile in his absence.”
I relied, in a lot of ways, on the boost that I got, just knowing that you are below me in this life.
I once said, "I regret him.", but that's a lie; I don't regret experiences - no matter how painful.