Augury of Betrayal and Injustice

ROB: You care deeply for people, don't you?

ERICA: No response. Shift in breathing and emotional state; heavy breathing and anger fueled sadness; restraining self and attempting to remain in control (refusing to cry and attempting to remain composed)

ROB: Do you ever feel betrayed?

ERICA: Define betrayed. I mean in this instance, what are you exactly asking when you ask about betrayal so that I can answer you exactly in relation to what you're asking? If, by betrayal, you mean I feel like there's been injustice or something of that nature experienced by me, then yes! Is it my fault? Well, if it is a fault of mine to hope for or expect something reminiscent of decency from humans – to, as an un-jaded child with no preconceived ideas or expectations of human nature, hold to the ideas of honesty and acceptance of others, and openness to others and general kindness – then yes, it is my fault! Pause. Take breath When I was a child I was completely innocent and naïve about how people really worked. I was unspoiled and pure in my beliefs. I truly believed in honesty as something that should be maintained in all elements of life, being yourself and the ability for people to accept you for you, and being able to lean on others and share anything and everything. There was no better or worse, no winner of loser, just people all sharing and growing by being honest and being themselves and being trustworthy - to be able to have people's confidence to be confided in and so on.

Pause

I eventually found out that humans aren't hard wired that way. I was clearly the only kid that believed these things because for years and years, since the age of 5, I was alone. My only friend was God. You have no idea how lonely that made me feel. And then how blasphemous that made me feel. Singing to self. Progressively breaks down into tears whilst singing “Can you meet me in my room? A place where I feel safe? Don't have to run away, and I can just be me? Can you meet me in my room? A place where I feel strong? A place where I belong and I can call my own? I'll wait for you.” Pause. Quoting to self with a tone of resentment “The only thing I learned was how to hold myself in contempt; nobody can hate me more than I do.” A vicious cycle in which I hated myself. School taught me to hate myself. I gradually had all those notions of honesty, acceptance, openness, inherent kindness beaten out of me. I was wrong. Everyday I learned a new way in which I was wrong. Quoting to self “Wake. Sleep. Turn and repeat.” Wake. Mask. Lie. Return. Unmask. Cry. Sleep. Repeat. Quoting to self “There is no true despair without hope.” That's exactly what I was; I was walking despair because I never gave up hope. I guess there was a stubborn streak in me that refused to be beaten out of me. I was “optimistic to the point of foolishness” in that I would wake up and think “maybe today I'll be proven wrong in my wrongness, thereby proving me right." Smiling sadly I've seen glimpses that I was right all along and it makes me happy and angry at the same time. Indignant / Resentful Angry that I couldn't be me. They couldn't just let one person be themselves. Just because I clearly believed different things to them doesn't mean that they had to habitually mentally torture me. Said fast in one breath Just because I hadn't been indoctrinated by their socially guided paradigms of how people should be and what they should believe regarding behaviour and morals and ethical conduct doesn't mean that they should persecute me for not being carbon copies of themselves! Pause. Breathe I have so much to say. I am my own person with my own thoughts and opinions, with my own things to say.

ROB: What do you have to say?

ERICA: Pause. Shake head. Said calmly and softer than heated statements just said How dare you? How dare you put me through all that? Pause. Eyes holding back tears. Voice breaking I loved you so much... Pause. Breathe so much more than you deserved. You were everything to me; my whole world. I looked up to you so much. I idealised you. I IDOLISED you. I saw you as so much more above me and naturally assumed that if I knew it or could do it, then of course all of you can. I saw you as the elite. I thought of you so highly, but I was so wrong. Indignant I gave you so much and for what? For haunting memories of you that drive me to crippling depression all the time?

Pause.

Quoting to self as if a frustrating fact that has been recited to death "All roads lead to school." Pause. Quoting to self reluctantly as though admitting an undeniable fact “Everything is connected.” As if providing evidence for quoted statement Home Tree on Pandora from James Cameron's Avatar, the giant tree in Avatar the Last Airbender that sprouted the entire surrounding forest from itself with itself at the centre – it's all true. Frustratedly So when I say all roads lead to school I mean all of them. Which means that even the good parts, Sarcastically as few as there may be, are tarnished by the bad, as numerous as they may be, because they're all connected. I don't think there's a single day where I don't see that place or see those people and remember everything as if it were earlier today, not even yesterday. Pause. Anger fueled sadness. Holding back tears again I gave them everything and they gave me nothing in return. I was nothing to them. They didn't even notice when I wasn't there. Defensive in an explanatory way I made the effort. I did everything I could to be accepted by them. I lost sight of who I was from waking up everyday and putting on a show for them just to pretend like I was one of them. I'm still not even sure now where the lie begins and I end. I gave so much to them and I got... nothing in return. Sigh They weren't worth it. And now I can't trust anyone. That's all I ever got from them. I broke and now I don't know what to do to get fixed. So when I say that I have something to say I mean that all this lies behind a deep seeded message that I have needed to expel for so long, but haven't.

ROB: And what is that message?

ERICA: Pause before sudden exclamation. Explosive Fuck you! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on! I ate and bought your shit for far too long and now I'm telling you to go fuck yourself! Pause. Breathe Because the worst part about all this is that while they have had a lasting effect on me that continues to damage me every day, I mean jack shit to them. I mean absolutely nothing to them and they don't even bat a single eyelid regarding me. Resentful Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilcho. Just like our relationship at school. Pause. Breathe I don't swear. It's just not in my nature to swear unless it's in a performance or in cases where I'm so upset that it hits me Sarcastically. Snidely in just the right spot. Explanatory Even then I usually refrain from swearing despite feeling the urge to do exactly that because I am so deeply hurt. The only other times are in imagined scenarios or monologues that I've had of me confronting these people but have never actually said. Usually it'll be when I'm alone in my room or late at night when I'm trying to sleep. I'm in my bed trying to sleep and then suddenly my mind wanders to school and to them and I cry and blurt out that message or some variation of it...

Pause

Breathe. To Rob Does that about answer your question?