The darkness that awaits...

Gonna have that "talk" with what will soon be no longer the significant other that I've choosen to spend my time with. Hopefully there will be closure for both. This was the first time I had resisted my natural urge to be my "normal" self and tried a new approach to things. It was a real struggle because everything else seemed to be in disarray in my life. Lots of being lost and confused and on top of that, fighting my natural urge to repeat the mistakes of the past. Unfortunately I didn't find the right formula this time. I've always tried to stay positive about moving on when things like this happen but this time I feel a deep dark hole is calling my name and has cold lonely arms stretched out. The icy embrace appears to be comforting and I may just stay with that for a while. If the light of day calls me out, I'll see if I can muster the energy to fill my time with something constructive but alas I really can't see anything past the cold dark loneliness that my mind sees in the immediate future. The anxiety that that floods the conscious mind is more painful than the actual experience. The searching for answers, when lost, only come back with "0 results found" and nothing settles. I drain every ounce of energy from my mind and heart in hopes that soon this will all be over. My heart carries scars from the past and knows all too well that nothing ever is simple or easy. The icy embrace of the deep dark hole stares back and waits. It is not encouraging or discouraging, loving or hateful. Rather, it remains constant to what it is, deep, dark and lonely. In that place I see internal healing and growth. But that's what I've been conditioned to see over the heartache of the past. My mind frantically traverses my mental landscape searching for a direct route to complete this renewal process and with hope, looks for a short cut that would indicate an early completion. I do not see that shortcut. I am not aware of that direct path. I guess the answer lies in how much I allow myself to fall into the clutches of renewal or how much I can resist the urge and pretend that life is peachy. As the time draws near and the finale in sight, the arms of darkness start to tug on me and show the tunnel to climb into. Dread, panic and frustration bubble to my emotional surface, like a terrible cocktail that induces my mind to the ideas of anger and sadness. I've seen the wake that was left behind when I allow myself to drink from that cup. Knowledgeable of the past, I urge my mind away from the those thoughts and try to remind myself to represent the positive being I want to be. I do not deny the existence of these emotions but I consciously am aware of their previous counterproductive nature. My mind struggles to decide weather to embrace the bubbly concoction or resist the natural urge for the easiest response. To respond with love and acceptance, in the midst of pain and frustration, seems to be what society tells me is the higher road and what would encourage others to walk the path when confronted by the same circumstances. Then, like a pinball machine, my mind bounces the idea through the different decision paths and I weigh the pros and cons as to how that such response will benifit me in the long run. The pros show that there is immediate satisfaction in bringing pain and allowing myself to wallow in the anger of confusion. The list of cons starts rather short and shows the scars of old. I am reminded that my previous acceptances have only created a path of destruction and ultimately slowed my progress to renewal. Time grows short and I search for the blanket that will keep me warm in this time of anticipation. Like a thick fog, my mind becomes cloudy and lost. I saunter over and I see the blanket, I see the road of renewal and the conditional acceptance, of previous experiences, and I feel the darkness enveloping my mind and the fatigue that grows in my muscles. I fall to my knees and fail to resist the knowledge of the inevitable. As I draw to this conclusion, I try to persuade myself that this act of verbal acknowledgement will, in some way, be enlightening but initially I'm resistant to this idea. And hey, there's that bar tender and that cocktail looks very enticing.