Perfect

Perfect
A Novel In Verse
By: Sarah B. Tutun

































Kelly Pratchett was just like any other teenage girl you could meet. She was concerned with boys, clothes, the latest fashion sense, (what was “in,” according to the most popular magazines and TV shows, and her friends. She thought that her parents needed to go on a permanent vacation and leave Kelly in charge of the house, (She knew that she could take care of handling all of the really big responsibilities which were involved in caring for a house on her own, by herself, I mean, she was 16!) Kelly Pratchett just wished that her parents would simply leave her, her various boyfriends, and all of her friends, ALONE! Kelly knew that she would be able to take care of everything that needed to be taken care of just fine on her own, Kelly just knew it.
Kelly Pratchett had no idea that life as she knew it might one day change, forever.
Kelly Pratchett learned the true meanings of the words patience, compassion, hard work, and resilience when she was just 16 years old, a teenager in high school, still just a young, innocent, girl.

Kelly Pratchett had had a lot of things in common with other teenagers, with her friends. Kelly Pratchett had believed that nothing bad could ever happen to her, would ever happen to her. There was no reason for Kelly to think that something bad might happen to her one day, nothing bad had ever actually happened to Kelly before, so there was clearly no reason for the thought that something bad might happen to her one day to ever cross her mind. Kelly was a happy kid, a strong ambitious teenager, and was ready to take on the world. The thought that life as she had always known it might one day change forever had never, ever, ever once crossed sweet Kelly's mind.

Kelly Pratchett had to go through hell, so to say, before she was able to truly understand just how lucky she really was. Kelly had to watch life as she had always known it fade and fall away before her eyes. before she was able to see, and truly appreciate, just how important all of the things which she had already had in life truly were. Kelly had to lose almost everything that she had always known would always be there, always be there and never ever change, such as certainty, such as independence and ability, such as health, before she was able to understand how lucky, cared for, loved, and protected she really was.

Most people were excited and dreaming about First Cars on their 16th birthdays. Kelly Pratchett was just hoping that things returned to normal and went back to the ways that they were, when she was healthy when life was fine, when she turned 16 years old.
Kelly had to ask herself a lot of really big, grown up, adult questions when all of these things were changing. Kelly had to ask herself some of the toughest, most adult questions she had ever had to before in her life when she was just a really small, young girl.
Some of the questions that she had to ask herself included questions like, “Who do you talk to when your friends aren't around? And
“Which way do you turn when your life is upside down?”
This story follows Kelly's life, Kelly's journey, Kelly s development and Kelly's ever growing, ever changing, perspective. Kelly Pratchett had to learn a lot about love, commitment, patience, dedication and especially hard work at a very young age.,
Welcome to Kelly Pratchett’s world, welcome to Kelly Pratchett's life.













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Perfect
A Novel in Verse
By: Sarah B. Tutun

Kelly Pratchett was a vibrant, care-free, and easy-going girl. She was always full of sunshine, summer, and light. You would probably really like Kelly, if you ever got to meet her- She was short, she was cute, and she was...

Perfect

She knew that life was Perfect,
Oh,
She knew that Life was Right.
She never had a worry,
She would,
Sleep hard through
The night.
Each day she'd live it
Easy-
And
Each day she'd live it
True-
The only way to live
She said,
Was Easy!!
Through
And Through.


Kelly Pratchett was your average five foot four inch tall girl. She wasn't the skinniest girl in the world, but she sure wasn't no Mama Cats [of the influential music group, The Mommas and the Poppas] either. She had Ruby red hair that reflected gold specks of sunlight whenever she walked into a room. She had rosy red cheeks and a cute, always upturned button-nose. “Just like Miss Piggy,” her friends would fondly tease. She had a smile, as easy as ever, that could light up a room without a second thought. Her blue/green eyes danced with excitement and joy with every breath that she took.
To the outside world, , Kelly Pratchett had the perfect life. She was 17 years old and on top of the world. She was always surrounded by friends, as well as a steady line of boyfriends and crushes. There was no way that anything bad was ever going to happen to Kelly Pratchett. There was no way that anything was ever going to bring Miss Kelly Pratchett down.


“Care Free”

La di da
hear my song
Sing it fast now
Sing it long
My life is perfect
And easy
And free
And I know that every body here
Wants to be
:Ike me
like me

Kelly smiled and whistled softly to herself as she replayed that short poem/song over and o9v er again in her mind. Kelly did not have any idea that there was any chance in hell that things as she knew them could possibly ever change one day, (Would change one day,) forever. Kelly Pratchett would simply smile in naïve oblivion each day and rest easy in the knowledge that life was easy, life was in her control, and life was good.

This is a story about life. This is a story about Kelly's life. Maybe you are Kelly's age and are looking to read a story about somebody that you can relate to. Maybe you're not. Maybe you are looking for a story about romance, (There's a little of that in here.) Maybe you are looking for a story about pride, or maybe you are looking for a story about pain. (You will also find bits of each of those in here as well.) Whatever the case may be, I hope that you sit back, relax, and enjoy the things that you are about to read. Welcome to Kelly's story, welcome to Kelly's life, Welcome to Kelly's perfect world.

End of Forward.













Before the storm


Thank you for Taking the Time

Well, Hi! Thank you for picking up this book!
Thank you for reading this page!
You took the time,
To choose this book,
You didn't choose another book!
So thank you-
For taking the time.

For that matter,
Thank you for opening your eyes!
And,
Thank you for getting out of bed!
Thank you for then getting dressed!
Thank you for accepting my apology
If you did NOT get dressed! [what?]
Thank you for going to the store.
Thank you for picking up this book,
Thank you for taking time to see,
And most importantly,
Thank you for taking time to read!
You're reading my writing,
You're reading my words,
You're reading my story
You're reading my face,
You're reading my heart,
You're reading my voice-
So thank you,
For taking,
The time!!

Kelly Pratchett laughed softly to herself as she read and reread that poem. 'My goodness, I was presumptuous back then,” She bit her bottom lip and laughed softly to herself again. “That was written way back when I was just 12 years old, when I was only a KID. Remnants of gold colored Small stickers outlined the page she was holding, serving as evidence of her youth. Kelly smiled and took a breath as she remembered-

“That was written way back when I practiced to be a MOVIE star, I must have been practicing my acceptance speech to graciously say when I was winning some national award or something for best performance or...”
Kelly rolled her eyes, shook her head again. She thought to herself as she smiled in embarrassed amusement,. 'Yeah, that went real far,'' She rolled her eyes again and offered a thin, terse smile. 'I shoulda gone into COMEDY or something with THAT way of thinking, my gosh, What a JOKE that was for me to think that I could ACT!? AS if! She shook her head again as she felt her cheeks start to flush red as she felt her eyes begin to water in sad recollection . “As if,” She thought to herself again, “As if,” She thought, with tired, almost sad, resignation.


It Comes Around

Kelly shifted her weight uncomfortably in the light blue wheelchair that she had grown accustomed to using for the past...five years now. Her stomach tightened as the weight of reality began to tease her. “Oh, perfect,” She thought to herself. “This is perfect...”

She was starting to get really good at pushing these thoughts away, at not thinking too much about the way it was before, the way it was back then. She shook her head to lose those thoughts as she tried to push herself up further in the familiar seat in order to ease the pain that was growing from her left big toe to her ankle. She grimaced as the pain began to reach all l around her left leg now, too She flinched with the pain one last time but then smiled as she successfully accomplished the task of easing discomfort. “Perfect,” she smiled dryly to herself, “Wow.”

Kelly aimed her eyes steady across the room and focused on the old maple hardwood desk. She smiled as she finally reached her destination. Her mouth opened in surprise as she caught a glimpse of the half open drawer in the middle.
Kelly reached to the open desk drawer to center and found the papers she remembered writing long, long ago. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, opened them again, and then quickly began to read.



Messed Up

Hear the shame in her voice
as she apologizes for self
undertone of I'm "Sorry's"
do not question why
look at her face see it's obvious
she's trying not to cry as
she says just how she is
that is fucked up
don’t ask why


Kelly took a deep breath, smiled thinly through her teeth and made a face.


Above it

If I say it isn't sad
then you know it makes it so
if I say it doesn't matter
think who will ever know?

I can smile say it's fine
and it's better off this way
my eyes dare you to question
what it is I have to say

so please don’t say it's different
I’m fine in my own world
if you can not believe it
then I guess you haven’t heard

challenge makes us stronger
challenge makes us free
so until you have lived it
I don’t care
I'll just say
just try
being me.

Kelly smiled to herself as she remembered the time that was written. She shook her head and rolled her eyes as she remembered the doctor's words then, too. “We can hope for the best'” Kelly smiled tightly as she sucked in her breath.

“That was then,” She thought sternly to herself as she jutted out her chin, “That was then. Focus, Kelly, Focus-”
She shook her head in disbelief as she mindlessly chewed on her bottom lip and began to shuffle through the stack of papers that was still lying on the desk in front of her,again. Her eyes focused now on one sheet of paper, and old, tattered, familiar sheet of paper. She reached down and picked it up hard and then held it tight, very tightly in her hand. The writing blurred together as her eyes clouded over with tears as she started to read. .“Man, life was a whole lot easier then, Kelly thought dryly to herself, A whole hell of a lot”

Looking Back

Kelly remembered dreams of princes and castles and movie stars and best friends and magic wands (And magic spells,) and angels, and fairies, and, and, and, and and-

Kelly smiled thinly to herself and shook her head. “What I had hoped for, she rolled her eyes. Kelly thought about dreams of acting, or comedy,or Hollywood or San Francisco...She bit her lip and closed her eyes. She felt her face flush again with the memory. She shrugged her shoulders, feeling unsure...She really HAD always thought that she would be an actor. She really HAD always thought that she would be famous. Sure, she was only seventeen and thus had the rest of her life in front of her, but- “Ah well,” she thought with a sigh of resignation. “Never thought I'd be hoping to walk again...I always knew I'd be able to....” She closed her eyes as she bitterly thought, “Shows what I knew.”
Kelly shrugged her shoulders and stared off into the distance now. The bright light of her cute, cozy, bedroom reminded her that of two things. It reminded her of the importance of light, brightness, Love and in that sense, Rob, and also that she was safe, Shadows danced along the walls and now played tricks with her imagination. Shaking her head again, Kelly focused her eyes once more to her desk. She dropped the piece of paper which she had been holding on top of her desk as she began scanning the open space for something else. She spotted another sheet of paper that was just peeking out of the middle drawer which had been lazily left half ajar on her desk. She leaned to her left and picked up that sheet of paper as she took a breath. Smiling faintly, nervous about what she would discover, she started once more to read-


On the Acceptance of Change

She pushed her face in to her hands and took a deep breath
That's the same[she thought]
Feeling nervous
As she counted to ten
Once and again
Then looked all around
That's the same [again, she thought]

Only thing different
Were the words from the man
That stranger who knew her
But not really
But that man

With the promise of recovery
Maybe, only maybe
Nothing
But
Everything
Had changed.

Kelly reached blind for comfort
wound up with her mom
Safe strong lady
Same familiar
As she had been.

Kelly reached out
Once again to find
Her father
Standing strong
As her world came
crashing
down
as if
beneath her

On the ground-

Like the world that was crashing down
Heavy
Like
the
weight of the news
[Of the words]
From that man

The man
Who didn't
Even
Know her
but
still
told her
He still
Told her
And he told her.....
In the Shadows of what we Remember

She opened her eyes-
on that morning-
And-
She closed her eyes tight,
On that night.

The air smelled the same-
She remembered her name-
As she opened her eyes-
Closed them tight.

Kelly licked her lips then pressed them tight together as she nodded and smiled in fond agreement.. A proud smile curled her lips as she reached for another loose sheet of paper.

Invincible

She smiled to herself
As she thought about that day
but then frowned in that memory
She said, “No, it is okay.”
She thought she'd take on the world
She thought
she could control it, Yes Sir!
But she was only 16
And there is something that you all need to know
And you know that she probably should too-
She really did not
have
a clue.

Kelly groaned inwardly as her bright smile slipped away from her face. “It's only writing,” She said firmly to herself, “It's only my writing...” Feeling extra brave Kelly reached into the drawer once again. Her eyes widened as she started to read the first title...





And I-

And I didn't
Mean
to get sick
Like the flu
Wish it was
Something as simple
And
Sick
like
The flu.

If I would have known
all the things
I know now
Then I would never
have ever
gotten
Sick
Like the flu
Oh I wish
It was that simple
And easy
Like
The flu
we all get it
then we lose it
Like a cold
Or a dollar
Or the flu
Like the flu.

Kelly puffed out her chest in justified indignation as she completed reading that poem. She half-heartedly, almost dejectedly, reached for another sheet of paper and clenched her teeth, but not in a bad way, as she began to read.

Beautiful,

This book
it goes out
to all the
lost people
here crying and wishing
that things
would get
better.

This is a story
for all the young people
Who may have been beaten
back
or hurt real bad
before

Maybe
take solace
in reading
these future poems
so that you will know
in your hearts
you are not
alone
maybe some
will like to
see that
they are -
not alone
In a world that tries to
take and shape
your every feature
You are you
and beautiful
as you
so please know that
you're not
alone.

Kelly shivered as she finished this poem and took a deep breath as she reached for the next-

The thing that is most Important: Always
Always love

“But he's a Doctor,” The words Haunted Kelly's ears, taunted Kelly's ears-
“And he's your father,” Kelly closed her eyes tight against tears. “He has devoted his entire life to helping others, caring for others, how could you expect him to wish to do anything less for you?” Her mother's voice took on a shrill edge as she finished asking that question.

The question that turned Kelly s once wet mouth dry. She felt her heart rise to her throat as she purposefully kept her eyes closed, tight. “He loves you,” the voice kept talking...”He loves you.” Kelly nodded in firm agreement as she bit her lip now in pointed concentration. With her eyes lowered steadily to the ground Kelly sat in silence and just listened. Kelly sat in silence as she let the words roll out of her mother's mouth, into her ears, off of her back but most stabbed deep to her heart...

Loss of Innocence

What's happened to all
Those childhood years
When the dark was one of your
Biggest Fears?
And all you had to do
To make things right
Was to have your parents
Plug in the night light.
When storks still
Delivered babies
And you’d never heard the words
Flirt, slut or tease.
When tears would come only
When you'd trip and fall.
And your biggest worry was
Who took your favorite doll.
As you grow up
She thought
Priorities change
And everything you once knew
was somehow rearranged
And it seems like life's
gotten so much harder
It is like you are always
playing the martyr.
She thought
As you grow up
So much energy is spent
As you're thrown to the real world
o longer
Innocent.

Kelly sucked in her breath hard as she finished reading...

As she finished that poem she gently rubbed her eyes. She bit her bottom lip and took a slow deep breath.

Kelly looked at that smudged faded, worn out piece of paper that she held unconsciously very tightly in her hand. She blinked against the sharp cold of a breeze stinging her face as she tensed her shoulders and looked down again.

Faint distant memories were taunting her mind, attempting to creep in to her thoughts, but she closed her eyes and shook her head against it. She knew that she could remember, but she took another breath and told herself no.

Kelly tried once again to remember that poem;
She stared wide eyed at the paper for a little bit longer, perplexed. She chewed thoughtfully on her bottom lip and squinted at the writing once more. How could she have written this? She shook her head twice and shrugged. “I had no clue then,” She groaned inwardly to herself and rolled her eyes. “I really did not have a clue,” She sighed heavily i again Kelly shook her head and carefully readjusted her position once again.


Lost in thought, Kelly tried to regain her composure as memories threatened to overtake her. Staring to the far wall she tried to still the angry sigh as she recalled his brief, harsh words. Just an innocent statement, just two cool,easy phrases.. Six words, six words, six words on to sixteen, but only six words. the words that would stay with her forever, the words that changed what she knew...

“We can hope for the best, there are no guarantees that she will ever see again” The doctor's words stole my breath away on that day in mid march. His words of treatment and time frames and success rates all blurred together. The emotion buried deep in my parents voices made my heart shake. I blinked back tears and put on a strong face. II tried to tune out what the doctor was saying, tried like hell to make it go away, but was brought back to reality when I felt the soft touch of his hand on my own. I offered another tentative, brave smile and thought....

Instead

I don't want to have to be strong anymore
This burden is heavy and my arms are weak.
Biting my lip and clenching my teeth
So that I won't cry
Hold it all inside.
I’m wanting to fall, don't remember how
I look around and I realize that
I am already there.
Locking monsters tight in my head
I choke on my tears
But then swallow- Instead.

All Turned Around

When she'd turn right it shoulda been left and up was down and down was up she's there spinning in the middle trying desperate to hold on
see tears falling, hear pain screaming
as she's wanting
to get off
of this world spinning
this girl spinning
hear her calling
let her off
Just please oh please
let her off-

Faster

The voices are chasing
taunting and teasing
why don’t you just quit?
You're not that strong little girl.
The voices keep taunting
But I just keep walking
They lose all their power
s I grit my teeth.
“Get back, stay away, I don’t quit, save your breath. Giving up isn't me get back stay
far from me.
The voices get weaker
They lose all their power
They vanish they're gone now
As I grit my teeth
As I grit my teeth I
remember I'm stronger
than any of them calling
than anybody still.

Unspoken Fear

What if it never stops changing?
What if it never gets right?
What if I’m always here, waiting?
What if it never gets right.

I've been crying and trying
and praying and waiting
for so many years now
gone on

I must have screwed up
to deserve this
I must have really messed up
and done wrong

if I was just doing it right
I’d be better
it’d be different
But it wasn't.
Something
Said something
Went wrong.
Kelly wrinkled her nose and closed her eyes to the dampness that she felt. It's OK though, she thought, she thought, it is all okay....


Kelly smiled weakly to herself again as she picked up another sheet of paper and nodded to herself once more and then began to read.

Hear Everyone Else Talking

And she's telling her that she has missed it
So formal
She's telling her that she's missed out
she remembers the card
shakes her head
bites her lip
don’t be sad
don’t be sad...
she sees the words-

It read-

Don't be sad
That school has passed
just be glad
they passed your ass

and she wondered if maybe
she missed it
she had thought that a joke
just a joke
but this woman
now she's told her
she has missed it
that she missed it
feel uneasy
she felt uneasy
now.
now she's chewin her lip
and she's wondering why
that lady would tell her
that stuff
make her cry
See
She's chewing her lip
and shes wondering why
That woman would tell her that stuff
make her cry.

'some people,' Kelly thought bitterly, taking another breath...'some people” she thought again, through clenched teeth
Out of the Fire

Are we aware of the transformation, change?
What separates what s real whats not
what makes it real
what makes it not
and why do we have to
choose which way to be.

To deny that there’s a problems
makes the reality fade away
and to claim that there's a problem
makes reality bite your face

so is there a balance
and if so
where
its a thin line
its a fine line
make your choice
come on
i dare-
you-
to teeter and totter on this rope
this fragile rope
called life
if you turn the wrong way
then no more
but if you turn the right way
that’s life

so if you teeter
and totter
on this tightrope
called life
between acceptance
denial
and all that
someday you might
get it right

Kelly shook her head and stretched her arms out wide. She had been hunched over reading for what seemed like- forever. She was trying to remember if there was anything else that she should have been doing, but, unable to come with an answer, she picked up another sheet of paper now, instead.

Smiling when she read the title she let out a short chuckle, almost a laugh.

“THUMP!

“Well, now, that was a surprise” She thought
As her legs flew out
From beneath her.
With the wind at her back and the sun in her hair
She was flying through the nevers
Until thump

She shook her head
As she straightened herself
Upright
shaking dust off her shoulders
And her hands
She looked around shocked
Again
Never knowing what had stopped her
Til
She looked down once again and said
Aha!

It was that piece of dust
Must have caught my eye just right
As my legs heeded the warning
And GAVE OUT.
It's these little unexpected journeys
That will take us through this life

Each day
as you walk
and run
and walk
and THUMP!
Each day
And gain.

My goodness, Kelly thought quietly to herself, my goodness.

Kelly leaned her head against the the back of her chair as she took a nervous breath again as she started to read once more.

Soar

If you step out
If you try
You may fall down
I won't lie

But if you step out
If you soar
You might be better
than before

So baby, step out
And baby, please try
The things that you see
just might be-
just might be-
all that you wanted
all that you want
all that you've ever wanted
and all
that you need.

Kelly kept on smiling as Kelly kept on reading-

Daddy said

She shut her eyes
and counted to ten
just like her daddy’s
always told her

when something's scary
or something's bad
just close your eyes
take a breath
and
count to ten

New Day

Day comes in
And Day falls out
Each Day that comes

She sucks in her breath
thoughtful
Chews on her bottom lip
so thoughtful
Breathes in doubt
Feels it burn
in her nose-
in her throat
She
Spits it out
glares ahead
focused
focus
she clenched her fists
in her pockets
in fearful anger
She tightened her grip
excited
in
hope
for
a better
day.

Images and memories of Rob flooded her mind now. He had always been the one to mumble hopeful to her about a new day, always a NEW DAY....Rob...One of the ones who had stood by her. Rob, one of the ones who stayed...

Kelly took a breath and pursed her lips, half smiled. She ran her hand across her face then blew her nose. She put the paper down, very neatly in front of her on her desk. She nodded to herself as though she was having a conversation, reading all of these poems again filled her with a feelings of sadness, accomplishment, and dry pride. Kelly adjusted her weight in the wheelchair once more and reached to her right in order to turn out the desk lamp.

“I wonder if I was supposed to be doing something right now-”{Kelly thought to herself again. She had a nagging feeling that perhaps she was forgetting something really important, something that she had promised somebody that she would do-0...She shrugged her shoulders and started to push herself across the room when-

Feel Love

“Hey, baby?” Kelly jerked with surprise of the voice of another human being. She had been immersed in her collection of papers for so long that she had not only lost tract of time, but also had lost track of the fact that her boyfriend Rob, was going to be there to pick her up around 3 pm. “Oh my gosh, Rob,” She mumbled in embarrassed surprise. “It is so good to uh, I was just uh, I am sorry I uh” Rob laughed and threw his arm around her shoulder. “It’s OK honey, it's okay.” Kelly smiled up at him in innocent admiration as she felt her cheeks flush, again.

“I was just-” Rob’s gaze followed her gesture to the hundreds of loose papers sprawled out over her desk and nodded in silent understanding. He stood steady at her back and reached around and hugged her once again. “So, how's my baby?” He asked, but he already knew the answer. He had never read any of Kelly's poetry but she had mentioned it to him before. Bending down to kiss her on the top of the head he touched her arm, again. “Maybe someday I can see some of that, Kell, maybe someday you will let me...” And Kelly flinched with that suggestion but then started to slowly smile.

“Maybe someday.” She said quietly in return, “Maybe someday.” “But for now....My words are safe with me and, well.....with me.” Rob nodded in agreement again and looked toward the door. “Shall we?: He asked, as his eyes pointed in the direction of the outdoors. . Kelly nodded and Rob broadly took the appropriate position behind her and started to push her chair forward.

Kelly listened to Rob breath in and out from behind her as she smiled brightly to herself. Kelly loved that Rob didn't seem to mind having to push her forward, having to help her out. . Kelly loved that he only saw her, that he never, ever questioned her about needing his assistance with the chair. “This must be love,” Kelly thought as she smiled to herself again as she shook her head and shrugged off all of the memories she had just relived through her poetry. Rob was there now, Rob was the kind of person that she needed in he life. Rob was an example of the things that Kelly Pratchett had learned about. Patience, love, resilience, acceptance, and hard work. Kelly Pratchett thought about all of the things which she had learned about at such a young age, and smiled. “Never give up, never surrender,” she murmured softly to herself. “Where there is a will, there is always a way.”

Rob ducked his head closer to her to ask her what she had just said, Kelly smiled and simply said, “Thank you.” This concludes this little story, this closes the last page on the glimpse of Kelly's life, for now, So...
Thank you for taking the time.