When you find me

Later that night, back at our hotel and snuggled in my husbands embrace, I tell him about Ashley.  He listens quietly without questions.  It is one of the things I most cherish about him, he is my true confidant and a patient listener.  I feel safe and loved in his embrace and I wonder why Ashley would choose the arms of men she doesn't even know.
I watch the familiar rise and fall of my husbands chest as I tell him about my best friend in high school, a vibrant and beautiful girl loved by everybody.  She was one of those people who was naturally good at everything.  She was caring, compassionate and a animal lover who took in every stray dog that crossed her path.  She loved life and her energy was unmatched, she believed there was no time to do nothing.  Being her friend was exhilarating and tiresome at the same time.

I still remember the day we met, I was the new girl, starting school mid semester.  I spent my first day feeling totally out of place, missing my old friends and hating my parents for making me move.  During lunch I was nervously looking for a place to sit when she walked up to me and took my hand into both her hands 
"Hi, my name is Ashley, welcome to our school." 
Her eyes were friendly and her voice was warm.  She had an air of confidence around her and for a moment I thought she was a very young and beautiful teacher at West Hague High.  She guided me to a shady spot on the grass and we sat down as if it was something we do every day. She handed me a bottled water and a clipboard. 
"You are just what I need, a breath of fresh air to help me start a new club for our school. "The Feminist Movement." 
She raised her eyebrows and tilted her head confidently as she stated the name of the club.  I liked her, there was something so open an honest about her.  I didn't care much for feminism and I don't remember agreeing to start the club with her, but I do remember feeling accepted and wanted and wanting to be a part of her inner circle.  I liked the way she leaned into me when she talked, almost like we were friends long before we even met.

She later introduced me to Anna and Julie and the four of us met daily during lunch to discuss The Feminist Movement.  I liked how Ashley always made room for me next to her, even when there was no space. 
Our club was approved by the faculty and only two girls showed up for the first meeting, but gradually The Feminist Movement grew stronger and over time our meetings turned into some sort of a support group for girls, a safe haven where issues could be discussed without judgement.  Ashley never missed one of these meetings, she had three strict rules for anybody that attended.  Confidentiality, respect and no advise.  The group continued to grow and Ashley was struggling to keep the meetings short and within the time that was allotted.  She had to close the group to new members and The Feminist Movement became known as "Ashley's group".  At the same time I graduated from being "the new girl to being "Ashley's friend".  I liked being Ashley's friend

I left, because the discussions became very serious and I often felt emotionally drained and a little depressed after the meetings.  Ashley was very supportive during these meetings, she would lean in and listen intensely, her blue eyes filled with understanding and empathy.  Often I felt like I was tricked into freeing my thoughts and my feelings. It was clear that my life was without hardship and that I had a lot to be thankful for.  Ashley understood why I needed to leave and she continued the group without my support.  I missed being in the group, I missed being by Ashley's side.  I thought she would be a great social worker and mentioned it as a possible career path for her.  Ashley just laughed and twirled her long black hair into a thick rope that she wrapped around her neck like a noose.  She tilted her head to the side and with her tongue hanging out she said:  "College... that would be the end of me!"

She had no plans for college, she only knew that she wanted to travel and see the world.  She believed firmly that the meaning of life was to gather experiences and memories.  She was the most celebrated academic in our graduating class.  Teachers respected her opinions and called on her often.  She could get into any college she wanted to, but she never applied to any.  Her speech at graduation was loud and short.  She laughed and yelled;

"Go, and never forget to live life!" 

We never saw her again after graduation day.  She disappeared the next day.  She only left a sparkling crystal vase of exotic flowers and a note for her mother.  The note did not offer any explanations, it only thanked her mom for giving her life and assured her that all the good memories would be cherished and the bad ones would be forgotten and that she would always value her life no matter what she choose to do with it. 

I still remember sitting in her small house a week after she disappeared.  I was shocked by her life, so different from everything I thought I knew about her.  It was the first time I had ever been inside her house.  Ashley never invited anybody over and always complained that there was no peace or quiet ever, there was only screaming kids everywhere!  She told us her mother ran a small daycare business from their home with about 10 kids under the age of 5 at all times, even on week-ends, since some of the parents worked on weekends and needed care for their children.  It was not true, it was just her way of keeping us away.  Her mom worked as a cleaning lady for a nearby office building. 

I remember sitting on the sagging brown couch in her living room, feeling like it was swallowing me.  Paint was peeling from the walls and large water stains was dancing on the ceiling.  I had to keep shifting to the left side of the uncomfortable couch to stay on top.  There was nothing in the small space that spoke of Ashley.  There was only the exotic flowers in a delicate vase on the nearby table, Ashley's goodbye gift to her mother.  Her note was lying next to the vase, her handwriting large and curvy on the yellow envelope. "Dear mom" it said, reminding me of a Dear John letter, a cruelty I thought incapable coming from Ashley. 
I looked at her mother sitting on the small chair across from me, her sad eyes questioning me with an intensity I can't describe.  I felt so helpless, I had no answers, I had no idea.  Her mom knew this, she asked no questions, she gave no words.  I reached for her hand and asked if I could see Ashley's room.  I watched big tears roll down her wrinkled old face as she got up and walked down the small hallway.  Ashley's room was the first one in the small space. 
I was again attacked by the quiet, bare emptiness of this life.  There was no color in her room, only the tiny little pink flowers on the sheets on the mattress on the floor.  There was no furniture, her book bag slumped in the corner, her dirty sneakers sat neatly next to it.  In the other corner was a tattered brown box filled with folded clothes.  Her closet?  I always thought her ripped jeans and faded t-shirts was just her signature style...  None of this made any sense to me.  How can this be my colorful friend?  My best friend of the past two years?  How did I miss this?  The sadness of this room overwhelmed me and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Out of respect I wanted to hide them from her mother, but she was not there anymore and my tears came without restrain.  Where was the color?  Where was my friend?  This room should look like mine, painted brightly, dirty clothes scattered messily all over the floor, stuffed animals, pillows, magazines, journals and stuff should be everywhere.  Where is her stuff?  Where is her books that she loved so much?  She talked about books all the time, she made it sound like she had no more room for all her books... 

Then I thought of her dog, her reason for living.  Where was Mr. Nutty McDoogie?  At that moment the deception of it all became even more real.  Mr. Nutty McDoogie was a crazy, hair raising, I am going to tear you apart, kind of dog.  I felt scared for my life around him.  How did I never even question the fact that her mom had a daycare when such a beast was living with them?  How could I be so blind?  I felt selfish and shallow.  What kind of friend was I that I only saw what I wanted to see?  I often thought that Ashley had it so much better than me, her self confidence and free spirit a direct result of her easy life... 

Shaun moved up and stretched for his drink on the bedside table, his voice firm and strong.  " You were a caring friend, Kristin.  You have nothing to feel guilty about."  He hands me his beer and I take a sip, hating the taste of it.  He laughed at the face I pull and take it back from my hand.  "Where was Mr. Nutty McDoogie?"

The thought of Ashley's dog brought a smile to my face.  He was an enigma, a beautiful animal, all golden brown and fluffy with a big goofy smile on his face.  a Gorgeous animal you just wanted to cuddle with.  Ashley's phone was filled with pictures of Nutty sprawled over her in a variety of positions, always in some kind of embrace.  In every picture he had his big fluffy paw resting on her, proclaiming her as his property.  My favorite picture was the one where he was on his back in the nape of her arm with his tongue hanging out touching her ear, he looked eternally happy but her face was scrunched up in a reaction to his wet tongue on her ear.  Her favorite picture was where they were both facing the camera and he had one ear up and the other ear down, his face turned slightly sideways.  He always had one ear up and one ear down, giving him an eternally goofy looking appearance that begged for you to cuddle with him.  Except, he would never allow you, only Ashley was allowed into his space, anybody else would make his hair raise followed by a threatening high pitch growl that made you want to turn around and run!  He did not take kindly to strangers and after knowing him for more that a year, I was still considered a stranger in his eyes.  His threatening growl grew silent over the time, but the hair in his back was still raised and his eyes was watching my every move, making me wonder uncomfortably, what he would do if I make the wrong move...

Somebody left him in a big box by Ashley's gate when he was just a puppy.  Ashley was known for finding homes for homeless animals.  She woke in the middle of the night to the yapping sound of a puppy crying and found him all alone pawing the large box in his effort to get out.  He had a open gash on his back and seemed nervous.  She named him "poor doogie" and decided to keep him until his wound healed.  His wound was superficial and healed fast but Ashley made no effort to find a home for him.  "Poor doogie" became Mr. Nutty McDoogie and Ashley's mother became increasingly impatient as Ashley grew more attached to him.  She did not want Ashley to have any pets and the dog was overstaying his welcome.
Another week passed without Ashley trying to find a home for the dog, then her mother found a family who wanted to take the dog.  When they showed up at Ashley's house to come get the dog, Ashley refused to give Mr Nutty away and showed up at my house with the energetic puppy in her arms and her backpack filled with dog food and a few shirts for him to sleep on.  "Can he please stay with you for a couple days?"  Her voice was mad and I just hugged her and took the puppy from her. 
We told my mother that they sprayed Ashley's yard with pesticides and she didn't want the poor thing to get sick.  My mother agreed to keep him for three days and she regretted it the very next day.  Nutty was a highly energetic puppy who needed to disable everything with his teeth.  He chewed through more that one electric wire, tore up decorative pillows, pulled every single plant in reach and ran away with everything he could fit in his mouth. 
He was just an adorable puppy filled with cuteness and puppy breath, and an unwillingness to cuddle with anybody but Ashley.  My many efforts to cuddle with him always ended in a struggle to keep him still.  He struggled and wiggled and what should have been a peaceful warm cuddle session, always turned into a nerve wrecking fight to keep him from falling on his head.  He managed to escape my many embraces effortlessly and fell on his head many times, proudly running away as if he won the greatest battle.  He never struggled when Ashley picked him up, he instantly snuggled up to her, burying his face in her hair to fall asleep.  It was like he saved all his love for her and wanted nothing to do with anybody else. 

After the three chaotic days was over, Ashley took him back to her home and told her mother that she was keeping him.  She refused and forbid Ashley to let him in the house.  Ashley silently moved her stuff outside to be with Nutty.  She made them a nest in the ground with her comforter and a few towels.  It caused a big fight with her mother and Ashley stubbornly refused to come back into the house unless Nutty was allowed in.  Her mother wouldn't give in and Ashley and Nutty slept outside without dinner and in freezing cold weather that night. 
The next morning she came to school smelling like soil and earth.  Her usually shiny black hair was messy and uncombed.  With a big grin she showed us her temporary solution.  Nutty was sleeping soundly in her backpack, unaware of all the commotion he was causing.  We were all peeking into her backpack and oohing and giggling.  Ashley was very scared that her mother would give Nutty away while she was in school and decided that her backpack was just the right size for a sleeping puppy.  During second period Nutty had enough of the backpack and Ashley had to take him home.  She didn't come back to school for the rest of the day and when I called her that afternoon, she told me proudly that "operation save Nutty" was in full swing and that we should not expect to see her at school until her mother accepts Nutty as part of the family.  I offered to bring her homework over, but she refused and said that not doing homework was part of her strategy!  I was so impressed with her courage and her desire to stand up for what she wanted.  And surprised by how far she was willing to go.  Ashley always prioritized her academic responsibilities.  She never missed school, not even when she was sick.  This was the first time since I knew her, that she jeopardized her perfect attendance record and put her work second to anything.  Seemed like a ten pound puppy with no home and a fluffy white belly was all it took.

She missed three days of school and we spoke every day.  She was living in their backyard in a small dirty tent that she borrowed from a neighbor.  She was eating only dry cereal and drinking water from the hose outside, refusing to go into the house unless Nutty was allowed in.  She proudly said she was wearing her mother down and that her mother was horrified by the makeshift paint can that she used as a bathroom inside her tent.  She said she was starting to smell bad and her mother would give in soon.  The next day she was at school looking happy and smelling clean!  Nutty was hers now and he had full roam of the house as long as he stayed out of trouble.  Ashley was grounded for a month and risk loosing Nutty if any of her grades dropped.  She felt bad manipulating her mother and rewarded her by working really hard and earning an even more exceptional academic portfolio. 

The ten pound puppy grew fast and within a year he was a seventy pound dog who still danced around excitedly like a puppy whenever he saw Ashley.  He was growing more antisocial by the day and as he grew, we saw less and less of him.  Occasionally she would bring him to a small event in an effort to socialize him, but he acted more nervous and protective of her every time!  She simply could not stand seeing him so scared and uncomfortable and she would always leave early.  He was a very smart dog and she taught him a variety of unusual commands and tricks. Nutty could sit, stay, crawl, jump, fetch, bring and much more.  Ashley would put a steak in front of him and told him to "leave it!" and he would ignore it as if it wasn't there at all.
She even taught him to dance.  All seventy pounds of him would jump on his hind legs in an awkward series of weird exuberant bounces, his ears and tongue flopping along.  She would lift her arms above her head and twirl around while clapping.  It was very entertaining and strange at the same time. 

The one thing she could not teach him was to be accepting of strangers.  His social awkwardness evolved in to total distrust when it came to people.  Nobody was spared.  Nutty behaved like everybody was evil and that his only purpose was to protect Ashley.  She started dating Rei Davis in the beginning of our last year of school.  Everybody was very exited for Rei who has been in love with Ashley since the beginning of High School.  Nutty acted twice as crazy when Rei was close to Ashley and Rei tried his best to win Nutty's trust.  He always bend down while he spoke in a low calming voice, holding his hand out for Nutty to sniff.  Nutty usually went crazy and Ashley had to pull his leash back with all her weight to keep him at a safe distance from Rei.  Once, before we went hiking, Nutty acted a little calmer and Ashley allowed him to get close enough to Rei to sniff his hand.  Nutty quietly sniffed Rei's hand and then he snapped and took a bite out of his hand.  The bite was superficial and only needed a band-aid.  Rei was surprised that it happened but joked that he would do the same if anybody ever tried to steal Ashley from him.  Ashley was shocked and worried that Nutty went that far and Nutty was never allowed on a hike with us again. 
Ashley stopped bringing Nutty anywhere with us and started canceling getting together more often.  As time went by, she felt increasingly unhappy to leave Nutty alone so often, and we saw less and less of her.  Rei grew slowly impatient with Ashley's love for Nutty and Nutty's hate for him.  He felt that she cared more for the dog than for him and she admitted that it was true.  They had a huge fight and that was the first time I saw Ashley crying.  It was also the first time she allowed me to hug her without protesting.  She was truly saddened that Rei was incapable of understanding her bond with Nutty and disappointed that he wanted her to choose between him and her dog.  He gave her until the next day but he realized his ultimatum was childish and called her that same night to apologize.
She admitted that she paid too much attention to Nutty and promised to spend more time with Rei. Their relationship lasted a few more weeks, then Rei ended it, feeling that Ashley was unable to commit to him.  Ashley pretended nothing happened and refused to talk about their breakup.  She dated two other guys that year, both of them was convinced that they could win Nutty over, but Nutty just got more intense with each new guy that appeared and both relationships were short lived.  After Ashley disappeared we all took comfort in the fact that she took Mr Nutty McDoogie with her...  Somehow feeling that he will fulfill his purpose to protect her from all evil.