My Final Curtain Call

I'm sorry momma.
I'm sorry father.
I couldn't be the man you raised.
You instilled me with morals and values,
from which I chose to stray.
I chose to leave those college days,
just to be on the streets stuck in my stagnant ways.
Little leagues games that I always use to play.
Back when you could stand to look into my eyes
and it put a smile on your face.
Now when I look into yours eyes
I see the reflection of a disgrace.
But you can't blame yourself
for me being stuck in this forsaken place.
You opened up doors for me.
I'm the one that chose not to enter.
I know that you regret the day
I separated from your placenta.
Because you weren't sure
of what you were getting yourself into.
But momma I never meant to.
Bring you shame
or stain your name.
It's just that living in this world,
it often gets hard to sustain.
And hard to maintain.
My desire to be better is strong,
but it just seems to come without gain.
Now malicious thoughts only exist
within my mind frame.
Hand signals and twisted up fingers
like I suffer from carpal tunnel.
Choosing the wrong paths
to make it out the tunnel.
And I can't get through.
My street fraternity,
my hood brotherhood,
the people that I run to.
I'm wreaking havoc among oppositions.
Some demise upon a few.
I have no love for the world.
I tried,
but there's not much that I can do.
Society caused my heart's shrinkage,
so there's only room for a few.
Mainly just you and you.
I saw you working like a slave
just to make ends meet.
And those times that you couldn't
I watched you weep
because we had no food to eat.
Living on a mad street.
Where the sound of sirens
and bullets ricocheting made it hard to sleep.
I was always confused.
Every time I saw lights flashing red and blue,
it brought me the blues.
No one cared then,
so now I could care less
about following the rules.
And no one cared
when I went to school
looking like a fool
with my cheap clothes
and worn out shoes.
Paying dues that could never subdue.
I saw that the good road was full of cracks.
And the bad road was smooth sailing.
Any opposition I assailed.
I tried so hard,
but my good humor failed to prevail.
I know that you all are praying for me,
and wish me well.
But I know I have a special position in Hell.
Or locked in a cell.
So father don't wait up on me.
And momma please don't cry.
'Cause my train to the Lord's haven
has already derailed.
No lie.
Soon I'll be...
Staring out the window of a cop car.
I know the end of the road is not too far.
Soon I'll be...
Staring down the barrel of a loaded gun.
I know no parent wants to hear about
the death of their son.
To the man I always look up to like a hero.
As I matured,
the feeling was reciprocated.
When he realized his son was a zero.
It left him devastated.
To the woman who caressed me
to warmth and shed light.
On those dark cold nights
when disparity was the only thing in sight.
I'm sending out this apology because
I know y'all saw the higher me.
But this is the life for me
and I could never rise to be.
I'm a beast lost in this worldly jungle.
Just know I'll always love you.
I'm sorry to you all.
This is my final curtain call.