No Tears

"Today we stand before the mystery of life and death. We have a dear woman, a loving daughter and a caring sister. A leader and friend who has been lost to all those who are gathered here to mourn and remember her." The voice echoed through the halls of the church, vibrating through Logan's ears. He stared blankly into space, not recognizing anything in front of him. He barely heard the words of the priest as he spoke, commemorating the death of a woman he'd never met, probably didn't even really care about. "I thank you for the love that is so evident within the family for one another, and I ask that you continue to guide that and let it course through their veins, and ultimately I thank and praise you that they want to see your name glorified, as Megan wanted to see in her life." The priest continued, speaking to a man that Logan knew was not listening. A man that he was even starting to doubt the existence of. Logan's reality came back into focus as he watched the Priest step down from his liars podium, and saw his father take the stand in his place.

"Thank you, pastor." Logan's father began. "I spent a lot of time thinking about what I was going to say about Megan." His father said, tears already welling up in his eyes. Logan felt his mothers and grab his and squeeze, a feeling that Logan found great discomfort in. "At first I thought to try and keep it lighthearted, as she would have liked that. She never liked being the center of attention. When the attention was forced upon her, she was quick to try to redirect it somewhere else. And if she couldn't do that, she'd escape the best way she knew how. Normally by hiding under a table or something." A quiet and quick giggle flew through the church, as friends and family reflected on the summer barbecue where Megan had been congratulated on moving from pre-school to kindergarten, only to quickly hide under the kids table in fear of having to talk to adults again. Logan didn't remember that time. He was only a newborn back then. He didn't laugh. "And then I thought about being angry. Angry at everything. At whoever did this, for taking my baby from my arms well before her time." Logan's fathers voice choked a little, as a tear began to run down his face. "Or at God, for allowing such a thing to happen. I eve found myself mad at other parents, those who still had all their children, who would get to see them all grow up and lead successful lives. Lives we knew Megan was moving towards." The room was quiet, so quiet that Logan barely chose to breathe, fearing any slight noise would break his father concentration, and turn the man into a writhing, crying mess. "I even thought at one point I wouldn't be able to do this. I'd get up here and just cry for ten minutes in front of you. I felt overwhelmed by the idea that nothing I would be able to say would do Megan the justice she so truly deserved in life. But at the end of the day, I thought about what Megan truly would have wanted. She would have laughed at the lightheartedness, told me to calm down about my anger, and comforted me in my sadness. But the only thing she truly would want is for me to speak from the heart, and to keep it simple. She always hated long conversations anyway." Another slight laugh rippled through the crowd. Again, Logan was deadpan. "We miss you Megan. We've missed you everyday since it happened. I've cried every morning that I remember I won't be getting a call from you about how your life is going. We always loved you, all of us. Your whole family. We miss you, and we hope to see you soon."

With his Dad's speech ended Logan returned to his numbness to the outside world, uninterested in hearing the Priest talk anymore about the girl he never met. As the services ended, Logan wordlessly stood and followed his family out. He stood outside the church with them, and thanked and hugged all the friends and family that came out. He never dropped his act the whole time. The tears, the smiles, the hugs. Logan did everything that was expected of him. The new oldest child, who had to be strong where the rest of the family was weak. He couldn't cry, he couldn't falter. He was the last pillar for his parents and little brother to lean on, the only person they were sure hadn't been totally destroyed by such a tragedy. So he kept up the smiles, he kept up the chit chat and the sharing of memories and the hugs and everything that was expected of him. Everything except tears, or sensitivity, or emotion. Logan buried all that so far down, a small part of him feared he'd never really be able to dig it all back up, like a treasure chest with no X.

"No tears." Logan told himself. "No. Tears."