To Whom it May Concern, I am Broken

I can’t breathe,
      My chest feels like it is caving in.
I just can’t push any further.
    I can’t think of anything else.
My stomach turns,
    Quicker than anything I have ever known.
My eyes, scarlet red
    They sting from the tears.
            Which just keep flowing, 
                      Endlessly.
                            Unforgiving.

I want to run to him,
      I want to run.
          So far away from him.
            Never ever stopping.
Until I am forgiven for all my faults.
        And my mind gives me grace,
            and forgets who he is,
                Every memory of him gone.
I want crawl into a ball on the floor,
      Sobbing,
          never to stop.
              I want to scream.
                  My body wants to explode.
                              It is completely unable of holding this pain inside.

I want to be beautiful enough,
I want to be strong enough.
I want to have the perfect ass.
I want the body he wants to touch.
I want the mind he wants,
          instead of this one.
                Mine is so damaged from all the hurt.
                        That it is repulsive.

I want his love.
I want his support.
I want him to fight for me.
          like I did for him for years.
I want to be worth something,
          Instead of being this piece of fuckin garbage.
I want to wake up and be in his arms.

I want to never wake up again.
The mornings for the rest of my life are dark,
        Will be a rude awakening.
To know, I had it all.
      I had my dream,
          And its gone.

The arms I sob for,
    Are holding someone else,
The voice I want to hear,
      Can’t stand the sound of mine.
        Whisper the words
              I love you
                To someone else.

But it can’t be that I was nothing…
How is it that just a few days ago,
      I had him inside of me.
            I had him hold me, kiss me.
                Consuming all of my senses,
                    Total passion and love.
                        I had him lay beside me.
                            I whispered in his ear,
                                  I loved him.
                                        Did he say it back?

He couldn’t have meant it.

I fought for years for him,
I watched him stop believing in himself.
              He had no self worth.
I told him he was priceless.
        I hugged him when he cried.
              I yelled when he didn’t see what I could.
                    I fought when he was losing himself.

I lost the battle, the war, myself, him, my family.
                         
                              I lost it all.

I am alone,
  I am too hurt to think.
    I am terrified.
      Too fucking in love to think I will ever be okay again.
          I am nothing,
            to my everything.
I am a piece of fucking garbage,
    I am useless
        and worthless to my world.
          My dream come true,
            A true fuckin nightmare in reality.

I wish I never had it,
    I wish I didn’t know what I lost.
        I wish I didn’t know it was me,
            who wasn’t enough to have my dream come true.
I wish he loved me
      as much I loved him.
            I wish my pain was the reason he fought harder for me.
I wish he could see
      he was the one who could fix it.
              If only he had.

If only he had loved me enough
      to let everything lesser go,
        Instead of keeping it close by
            When my pain was too much for him to be near.
If only he had loved me enough
          To see I needed him to be strong for me.
If only he had wanted to help me stand.

      To know that someone so special to me
Has someone else they would rather be near.
          Is not even heartbreaking.
                        Heartbreaking does not describe how I feel.

I can’t think.
  I can’t breathe.
        Every step feels like a thousand,
            going up the side of a steep mountain.
              The thought of faking a smile,
                      makes me want to jump off a cliff.
The sound of music,
            Knives inside my head.
                  The emptiness in my body,
                              consuming me,
Slowly but efficiently taking the little jagged pieces of who I was.
              Destroying them.

I will never feel loved again,
    I will never know what it is like to be complete again.
I fought, and I tried
            I fought for me to be enough.
              I fought for him to notice who I was
                  I fought for our life and how it was.
                    I was left beaten and bleeding,
I was left alone,
          I was left to be forgotten,
              laughed at.
                  To be made a mockery,
                      a nut case,
A woman who gave her everything to a man.
          A woman so lowly and pathetic,
              Utterly unlovable.
That when he stands before her,
            With his eyes disgust,
He says to me,
          "Look at you,
                  what is wrong with you?"
                      I say,  "you did it"
                          he walks away.
                              He doesn’t want me,
                                    he doesn’t care if he loses me forever.
                                          He doesn’t want me.
I am nothing
        He doesn’t love me,
              he never did

All the years were a lie,
all the tears I have cried were for nothing.
      The pain that makes me unable to function,
          Just makes me that much more pathetic.

He loves someone so wrong,
        But at least its better,
            than the waste of a life I am.

You,
    with her,
Me with the kids,
          who lost us both.
                I am no mother now,
                    I am nothing
                          I am not who I was
                              I gave it all away
                                To try for him


How do I keep going in a world,
          Where he hates me
                I lost it all.
                          I just wanted love.