Tomorrow Doesn't Hold a Title

It's been 22 years I've been struggling with some disorder now. Well pretty much sure I'm having one but don't know where and when I could seek out treatment to help myself out. Due to past experiences, it often hunt me down. When I was a little kid, I went through parental abuse both physically and mentally. Was traumatize the whole period when the world starts to rejects me at a very early age. The worst things comes when your mom deliberately tells you that she was caught up with an accident when I was in her tummy and wish I was death. :(



Then things just started to get worst everyday single day of my life. I was called 'bad luck' the first day I were born due to the reason that I was given birth on Sunday evening when the sun doze off. It's a Hindu believe that when the sun arises, 'Surian (god)' arise as well. I struggle through hard times. When back in schools days, I was known to be a cheerful person not when I'm back home. It will be more like I'm possessed with something whenever I look at my house from far. Somewhere which I hope not to return.



Things were harder when everyday your mom and elder brother tell you how important it is to die. They literally shove that into our minds which you think it's better to loose your life for their happiness. Util now, they images of telling me makes it harder for me to start a new life. Even if I did tried, some words will eventually reignite the whole past experiences. Things are just very complicated to write it all down here. Managing your little hopes to live get worst the pets / animals that you get closer with dies eventually, and yes it was not of a natural causes. Some were brutally killed infront of me and some were gave poison to die. I lost hope.



Things seem so impossible nowadays. I came to understand suicide is not always the wrong choices an individual has to make. Sometimes it might just be the best choices given to them. As in my situation, I fine no hope living my life in disparity everyday anymore. There was no single day that I will be not thinking about death . Not that I want to, but I have to. Things just seem so hard to control :(



I'm writing this not because I'm weak, I'm still struggling with a behold faith.