By Bond and Not by Blood

I never thought I would find myself staring down the barrel of a pistol, but here I am.  My heart is pounding rapidly in my ears. I don’t know if I’m more shocked or afraid, but I do know I’m worried about my friends.

Carlie is standing behind her desk, her face frozen in fear, and her brown eyes; terrified. She looks like she knows that he’s going to shoot me, and I want to tell her that it’ll be O.K. That Ben will never hurt me.

Ben’s hand shakes as he points the gun at me. They say that you always hurt the ones you love. I consider Ben to be one of my best friends, well more than that he is like my brother.

“Why Dylan? Why did you turn your back on me!” Ben yells desperately. His once handsome face is thin and pale, his head shaved, eyes sunken. Those chocolate eyes that I once knew are someone else’s.

I try to keep my tone even, reasonable, calm, “Ben, you gave me no other choice. You wouldn’t let me help you. I care about you too much to watch you slowly kill yourself.”

I can remember the person that Ben used to be. We’ve been best friends since we were toddlers. We’ve always been opposites from music to personality. Ben is a chocolate eyed and olive skinned, daring dark haired rebel. Nothing like me the golden blond hair and blue eyed All-American boy next door. All I know is that no matter what, we have always had a connection. We both know when the other one is in trouble that we will always be there for each other.

“Bullshit Dylan! All you had to do was loan me the money I needed, because I know you have it.” Ben shouts snapping me back to the present. He’s still holding the gun to my face. If he pulled the trigger now, my brains would be splattered on the wall behind me.

“Now what kind of a Brother would I be,” I say keeping my tone measured and even, “If I had given you that money. I might as well just shove the needle in your arm myself.”

His stare darkens in anger, as I take a step closer to him.

“I told you the money wasn’t for drugs, I told you I needed it for a debt that I owed.”

Ben’s right eye twitches. It is a sure sign he is lying to me.

I’m so tired of his damn lies. I forget for a moment that he’s pointing a pistol at me. “Damn It Ben. This is Bullshit!  Stop lying to me.” My measured voice is gone. I’m yelling now, “You know and I know that I can always tell when you’re lying to me!”
He lowers his gun a little, eyes shocked.  I take another step closer to him, “Ben, please let me help you, you’re the only brother I have.”

He smiles slightly.

“And you are mine Dylan. What have I done?”

~.~

Six months ago Ben came over to spend my birthday with me. We’d done this every year since we were kids, but as soon as he walked through the door I knew something was wrong.  He looked different. I didn’t know what changed, but it was somewhere in those brown eyes.

“Happy Birthday, Bro.” He hugged me. I could smell stale cigarette and something chemical. It smelled nothing like him. For as long as I’d known him he always smelled like a deep sandlewood.

“Is everything ok with you?”

Ben flopped on my couch and I sat next to him.

“Sure, why do you ask?”

Ben played with his fingers and fidgeted on the couch. I could tell he was trying to act normal, but he couldn’t sit still. My cat jumped on the coffee table knocking off the television remote. Ben jumped as if he had been tazed. He never used to be so jumpy or unhinged liked this.

“Well bro before we get started with your birthday you mind if I jump in the shower?” He asked pushing himself off the couch and making a strained face.  He removed his long sleeved shirt, and looked at me. I saw the odd marks on his arms and stared.

A silence grew in the room with both of us staring at his arm. Dot after dot. Red puffy scar after red puffy scar. Neither of us could say anything.

Ben looked away and mumbled “Do you mind about the whole shower thing?”

For a moment, neither of us said anything. Finally, I shook my head.

He grabbed the back pack he dropped next to the front door before walking to the bathroom. In the other room, I heard the pipes groan and then the shower running.

I needed answers. I fetched the phone from my messenger bag and dialed Kelly, Ben’s older sister.

She picked up on he first ring. “Dylan thank god, have you heard from or seen Ben?”

“Well as a matter of fact he’s here right now.”

Kelly sighed. I could hear the relief. She was his other best friend, and their sibling bond was water tight.

“What’s going on Kelly,” I said frantically. “There are marks all over his arm. Something is wrong.”
Kelly sighed again, but this time it was colored with concern. “You were busy.” I rubbed my forehead and could feel tears welling up in my eyelids “Ben started to hang around a bad crowd. You were working, and he got hooked on the hard stuff. Meth.”

“I had to work,” my voice quavered.

“Dylan, mom and I have tried to talk to him. He won’t listen. He’s been dodging us for days. Can you try and talk to him? Convince him, please, he’s always listened to you. You’re the only one who can get through to him.”

Suddenly I felt eyes on me and I no longer heard the water running from the bathroom. I turned to see Ben standing in the doorway of my bedroom staring at me suspiciously.

“Who are you talking to D?” He asked clutching his back pack which was slightly opened. 

I’d never lied to Ben before, but I had too. “Kelly called me to wish me a Happy Birthday.” I smiled. “Thanks for calling Kel,
Talk to you later.”

“Dylan, don’t give him money and good luck,” the line went dead.

It was just Ben and me.

“She told you didn’t she?”

“Yeah, she did. Kelly’s worried about you and so am I.”

He frowned and walked past me, “Don’t be I can take care of myself.”

I grabbed the strap of his back pack and pulled him to a stop, “Where are you going Ben, you need help, let me help you.”
He laughed without any humor. “I don’t need anything but for you people to leave me alone and stay out of my business.”

Ben pulled on his back pack, but I wasn’t letting go. I was angry, “You people! “You mean the people that love and care about you! The ones who are always there for you.”

He moved closer to me, we were face to face, close enough to kiss. 

“Oh really, always there for me Dyaln! Where the hell have you been! This is the first time in months we’ve seen each other, MONTHS!” And Kelly is busy with her own life and her own family. Yeah, you guys are always there for me!” 

He pulled again on his bag, “Let go Dylan!”

I pulled his bag towards me.  “Oh SCREW you, that’s part of growing up! Yes, we have jobs and families and lives of our own.

Ben you know that doesn’t mean that if you ever needed us we wouldn’t drop everything to help you!  You know that, I'm willing to drop everything now to help you so let me.”

He scoffed and rolled his eyes, and turned for the front door to leave. I pulled harder on his bag and he lost his grip. All of its contents fell to the floor. “Damn it Dylan!”

“You know that we care about you, but you don’t care about us! You’re selfish and always have been!”

He turned and punched me square in the jaw.  I fell and hit the floor. I was in shock.  Ben has never ever hit me. My shock quickly turned to anger, and the ice cold feeling of betrayal curled in my stomach which fueled my anger more.

Ben immediately looked regretful.

Then I saw it, my grandfather’s gold antique pocket watch that was left to me when he passed away. It was laying halfway in his bag and halfway on the floor. I felt my anger growing,

He came and knelt beside me, placed his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry D, I really am, I didn’t mean it, Please forgive me.”

I shoved his hand off my shoulder, and grabbed my grandfather’s pocket watch.

“How could you do this Ben, how could you steal from me!”

He bowed his head in guilt and whispered, “I need the money, Bro.”

“You know this is the only thing I have to remember grandpa by!” I knew I needed to stop yelling, I knew deep down he didn’t know what he was doing. He had a major problem, but it hurt. When I hurt I get angry and when I am angry I loose control.  I needed to calm down, this is Ben and he needed me. I needed to control my emotions. He was my brother, but I felt like Mount Vesuvius ready to erupt.

Seconds and minutes ticked by before I spoke again.

“I’m going to give you two choices Ben. Your first choice is me.” I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, I wanted him to choose right. “Give up the drugs and let us help you. We’re your family. We love you. I love you.”

I cleared my throat. I could see it. Ben and I together, the way things used to be. I’d make time for him. We’d go back to the lake and we’d swim there like we used to. We’d be the brothers we’ve always been.

“Your second choice is to die.  You can keep doing the drugs and slowly kill yourself. You’ll hurt us. We love you, but if you leave you will close the door on our relationship because I cannot watch my brother die.”  He got up off the floor.

I looked into his lifeless eyes and knew there was no reasoning with him.  All he wanted was his next fix. He chose wrong. There would be no lake, no me and him, this was the end.

Ben shook his head, “I-I can’t stop. You think I have a problem I don’t. So you can go be Mr. Perfect.” At that moment, the Ben I knew walked out the door and was gone forever.

I just stood there, staring at the door in disbelief. Tears started pouring down my face, then I saw his back pack. I knelt to pick everything up; folded a dirty pair of jeans and tucked away a set of head phones.  I would keep them for him. Finally all that was left was a picture. The date on the back was February 6, 2013, I turned it over and saw us two years ago. Ben had his arm around my shoulder, we were both smiling and happy. The emotions I fought so hard to control came all at once. 

~.~

Now here we are, in my office, Ben pointing a gun at me.

“Ben please give me the gun, and I promise I will get you the help you need. I will save you Ben, Ben I’m begging you, please I just want my brother back.”  I put my hand to his chest, where I can feel his heart beating. He relaxes beneath my touch. “ I want to save the person I know is still in here.”

He lowers the hand with the gun to his side, placing his other hand over mine.

“There is no saving me, that person you once loved, the brother you want back is gone. I am nothing and I will never be anything.”

He won’t meet my eyes. I see a tear sliding down his left cheek.

“Ben you’re wrong. None of what you just said is true, you are an amazing person, everyone knows it but you.” Another tear escapes his eye,  and he wipes it away with the back of the hand that still holds the gun.

“I can’t come back from all the things I have done to my family and what I have done to you. You’re, my brother the one that has always been by my side, and I left. I treated you like you didn’t matter.” He pulled me into an embrace.  “Please forgive me D, please.”

A lump grew in my throat, I tired to swallow so I could answer him, but it took me a minute to do so. It came out as a whisper, “I forgive you Brother. You will always be my brother.”

He held me in the embrace for another long moment. I did it I thought to myself, I got him to take the first step. We could be those brother on the lake, in the photo, the brothers I remembered.

He stepped back,” I am sorry.” Then he put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.