maximum effort

In an arbitrary point in time, in a consummate world, a man is walking among the overgrown cesspool that is our father earth. Mother earth would probably give more shits, but as it stood, the world just didnt give a single rats ass,Although there were many rats wondering about the hard grey world of humanity. Because we now have reached a level of advancement that allows no more, we live pointlessy. The man was particularly at a loss for meaning, because he was busy not making fun of people, observing stuff, and just not giving a shit. There were enough shits given, as their was actually a thick crust of feces covering most of the outside world. Like an iced over pond, this squelching doughy gym mat was liable to take you without notice into the depths below. I say gym mat because this is what all of those people who do fucking cartwheels in the middle of anything public-a group, a sidewalk, hopefully an expressway-for YOU, YOU of all people, and luckily sink into a place where you never have to see the way they take up space again. Unlike an iced over pond however, you could not see through its sickly facade, and if you tried, all you would get was a wall of brown, pitted by the remenants of stuff your not supposed to ingest, but do anyways because, hey, what the hell. The problem was that no-one cared. As far as anyone was concerned, their home was all they needed, and anyone who wondered outside was just being greedy and sensless. Now the earth, the physical almost-ball of elements, really did not care. No matter how insistantly humanity plead for the significance of its own existance, the earth did not think it was a cool story bros. The humans used lurid colours, banners, tapestrys, corporations, sattelites, and any other exhibitionist bullshit at their disposal only to get a single reply from a single alien race, and even that was just an ad for a “no bullshit dating service”, something that humanity wasnt even able to take advantage of because they could not see one another from the bay windows of their chintzy-ass stucco rectangle clusters, that always made anyone dumb enough to look at them think of building blocks placed by a delerious utilitarian toddler. There was another problem here- no-one gave enough excriment to come and clean that shit up. The toddler never slept, ate, or caught a single good idea. Instead he placed a ton of geometric shapes on a peice of paper, using the epic technique of... wait for it... overlapping guys!!!, decided that the precarious tower of disagreement would work in real life, than slapped this blueprint of what looked like a sullen tetris block into the hands of guys who had to figure out how the hell this worthless mess was going to fit in a forty square foot property, without the top heavy roof hanging over the property line and turning the neighbours prized weeds yellow. Everyone loved this particular weed, and everyone hated yellow. This was probably because the things they ate liked to eat it, although this is illogical, because those things arent notorious for being picky. These tetris blocks never lined up, nor did they stisfiingly dissapear like the vapid shells of past they were. And the workers never got home in time to watch FOX news and pretend to give a shit about smaller beings in a foreign country.The trees of the earth were indeed bowing before our power, but that was because after trillions of years, every gene pool gets intollerably stagnant. Thats why the earths hairs were twisting and turning in agony, growing claws and wings and mouths, except that they still couldnt even fucking move so they simply became another thing for psychopaths to torture. Even as the aforementioned pointless ass douchebag walked down what passed for a street, looking to the side: lawns full of garbage, lawns full of weeds, pallid hallow faces staining there glass windows, spiky stucco telling him to look the fuck way. Looked down: his feet you dipshit, clad in a pair of oh so incredible 500 dollar sneakers, vibrantly coloured by some jaded asshole who had realized the intellect of his dempographic and explpited it,as well as some grey matter that was cement, which therfore did not think anything of his walking on it. And up: Its the sky.... and there are clouds. Even if some of the clouds looked like yawning vaginas, he just couldnt care less. He felt these various displays foreboding crys of “What the hell were you expecting!”. He could feel the emptiness inside of him. He could also feel the intollerable amount of stuff outside pushing in on him, and feeling as if his body was about to collapse, implode, pretended to look deep, by squinting his eyes, placing one hand on his chin, and swiveling his head restlessly about the world. It did not occur to him that he could just use fucking peripheral vision to see the stuff that was really quite shy anyways, which would also leave his hand free to fap. The only thought that was going through his head was “I wish I could swivel my head like a fuckin owl, that would be epic!”. Unfortunately for this random derp, who was also one of the worlds last hobos, his deepness did not prolong his collapse enough, as one of the many random psychopaths, tired of the trees lack of screaming, and out of lude comments and names to carve into its stump, turned around and moon jumped onto this minor characters head, popping what little was inside of him like a rotting melon, and splattering new stuff all over the immediate area. The psychopath observed the bright patterns he had created, was happy with the lack of brown, then was promptly punched in the back of the head by a sort of badass guy who takes the place of our false protagonist. This guy gets a first person portrayal. But first a recap of all of the features of this beautiful world by a sensible guy who lives on one of the earths smaller cousins, after-birthia... because it came after earth and it is the earths first child. You can lol, rofl, and jk all you want, but you know it will just make people look at you hostile. Also because other planets have become fond of aiming all of the children that they have accidentaly conceived at this planet. Anyways, having no point, and getting tired of being pelted by babies, I walked inside and found that my house is actually alot better than the outside world. I will now describe to you in gratuitous detail why it is so. The chair was of a twilled wieve of Nylon that would tense up when you sat down, but would take your sagging and unsettlingly warm behind without question. You could then painstakingly heave your hulking monster body across the nasty cream carpet that smells like wet dog and must be skipped across along the few peninsulas that arnet discoloured by water and ruffed up like sharp edged grass blades by milk precipitate, dance along the cold as heaven lime/brown stain linoleum, the dollups of which serve as reseviors for whatever liquid happens to spill on them, your piles of magazines still looking sad in their brown jackets, and cringe across your uncomfortably long windowsill as the radiation bombards your rodentlike eyes. Then open the fridge for a delcious meal of cheese and edge bread.


One day I noticed a man walking among the ruins. He was particularly pointless in that he was at no time mocking anyone else. And yes, I also noticed that the trees were bending back toward the soil like ballet dancers covered in calloused blisters of sickly chestnut, but I did not care. It might also interest you to know(though probably not) that the slabs of gravel slag embedded painfully into mother earths rotund shape were pushing down and up like ships on a mistral swell, and that their contiguity was ruined by the droves of verdant plants. Also, in places the grey left the uniform brown of the earth and cold gusts would shoot out with nasty humidity, like a dip-shit blowing through a recorder for the first time. These particular plants were arbitrarily designated as "ugly". Among the other things in this space that did not matter were, the surprisingly large number of capsules which were not occupied by valuable oxygen, but instead held a amalgam of rugaeous white, black, yellow, white black and yellow, white and black, etc.etc. shapes. The shapes were moving about uselessly as the earth moved along with them. Looking on in awe of their magnificent boredom, I prayed for the coriollis effect to lay hands on their fat bodies like a treadmill and burn up a large portion of their flesh.