Meness

My first thought in the morning, 'I hate him'.

What does he want from my life?, why is he ruining me? I cannot love him. What is he?. I look at my self in the mirror, and I see a liar. A twisted manipulator of fate, a sick girl fulfilling her own wishes while killing somebody else...but how could I have known?. I thought I loved him. He is important, but he is not. Then how come I don't feel anything when I hear his silent sobs, on the phone. Why does he love me?. It almost seems a crime to be with him now. Last Monday we had a fight, and after that I asked him not to talk to me for three days, and I will not lie I was happy, very happy. I found myself again. My creative-self. I thought that perhaps I was wasting my time with him, and those three days opened my eyes. But what about him ? well, he died. Over the phone he wasn't talking at all. He was just silent. Caught up in his emotions, he couldn't speak. I was not entwined with emotions, I wasn't choking and I was thankful that we were talking over the phone or otherwise my unapologetic look would have ripped him apart. But still I choose to be with him. I don't know why. May be I'm confounded by my "What if ?"s. What if I don't find anybody as willing and as ready to accept me as he is, what if I never find love again in my life. Every day I tell him I love him, but I lie. I know I do. But now I don't know what the truth is anymore. When one lies repeatedly to oneself and to the world, one often becomes delusional and loses track of the truth. Truth becomes the fantasy, and the lie the reality. I love him, I believe it. Without a doubt I could say it, to anybody and even now that I am writing, my heart is slowly slipping beside my head and doing away with any logical argument that has formed itself up after much struggle. I don't know. I don't know. Don't ask me. I don't know what is wrong with me. Something is and something isn't. My naïve heart is willing yet not. Beating against the cage yet is unaware of the comfort of the familiarity of the cage, and is unknowingly not ready to leave it. Going wild, again and again to venture into the canopied world but coming back to the known. the light and the easy. Everything is easy, oh my heart!, but yet is not. So now I think I'll reinstate my claim.

My last thought before I sleep, ' I love him'.