Dug this out from somewhere in my brain

Her radiant smile is the only thing I`ve grown to look forward to anymore. Her laugh fuels my own, and without it I am lost.

But when I arrive to school in the morning, or when we`re with friends, and I say or do something in my nature, I get a look. Not one of endearment or love, but a skeptical, almost disgusted look. As if she cannot fathom how one human being could possibly be so...weird.

When she feels the need to shoot me those looks, to check up on my sanity, a tidal wave of insecurity washes over me. Why did I say that? Who asks questions like that? You are an imbecile.

Sometimes I snap, it hurts too much for me to just keep quite, and I`m fed up with feeling insecure. Don`t look at me like you weren't thinking the same thing. The only difference is that I said it, and you didn`t.

On occasion, I`ll sit on a friend`s couch or bed, and she climbs right into my lap, or sprawls out on to me. I`ll rest my hand or head on her, just to maintain direct contact. She complains when I get up, and she constricts her arms around me, nuzzles into my embrace; it`s nice.

Other times, she flinches at the slightest indication of affection. I lean on her and she jumps to a complete different area of the room, don`t touch me.

To pour lemonade into my freshly made wounds, she sprawls across someone else; she uses them for comfort, nuzzles into their embrace; it sucks.

She has no idea the control she possesses over me, how she could manipulate me into doing anything for her. She doesn`t have the slightest clue.

And that`s what kills me.