Existence

Paul Martinez

10/17/2012

Existence

I sat on top of a cliff, looking out to the deep blue as if I was expecting the waves to reach me. I walked over to the edge, slipping on a slick rock, but I caught my footing. Now all I can see are the waves as I plummet towards them.

Then I wake up from my surreal dream to the world of reality; in my boyfriend, Alex's arms.

"Amy, you were snoring again," he whispered to me.

"Oh... sorry, Good morning," I whispered back. Simple moments like this are what bonded me to Alexander. Sadly, my life with Alex would change in his next words.

"Troy is coming home later today," Alex explained.

Or maybe the change would come from my words.

"What? Who's Troy?" I asked while I sat up.

Alex sat up too and told me, "he's my brother," in a questioning sort of manner.

I'm drawing a blank.

"He's my older brother? I talk about him all the time? Jeez Amy, you really need to pay attention." I had always been somewhere else whenever Alex said anything about his family. Maybe it was because my family is always bickering, especially when it's between my sister, Mandy, and me.

Every time Mandy and I saw each other we were at each other's throats, sometimes we took that literally. When our parents split up I went with our mom, Mandy with our dad. At family gatherings with all of us together there was a high tension in the room like it was filled to the ceiling with water. Whenever one side asked a question, water would fill our lungs. As the person went to speak the water rushed in and momentarily stopped them. When we started again it felt like waves crashing out with each word, ricocheting off each other. Sometimes I stop and feel the waves tossing the house apart. I can tell Mandy does this too. We can agree to just let Amanda and William let it all out. Well, maybe not all of it. We had to monitor the waves and make sure nobody was swept up in them.

"Okay, so your brother's coming to town?" I asked Alex... "Yes", he replied, "he'll pick us up after school." I was still trying to understand him. It sounded as if he was shouting at me but my ears were covered.

"Where has he been all this time?" I asked him.

Alex lived with his Parents and his little sister, Christina. Now every time I hear Alex speak, I start to remember him talk about his brother.

"He goes to college at MIT. He got some time off and decided to pay everyone a visit," Alex explained.

Oh yeah! Troy is really smart, I thought.

"Alright then, let's get ready," I said.

And we were off. Off to a day I will never be prepared for.

School went by really fast except for at lunch. Alex was playing basketball in the school's gym while I was sitting around with some of my friends.

"Do you even know what his brother looks like?" Friend A asked.

"Yeah, what if he's like super cute?!" Friend B asked.

I just gave her a disappointed shake of my head. "Really? Why, you want to be an in-law?" I asked, hoping she would say no. I like my friends, but they are so... loud, I thought. "Now that I think about it, I'm not sure what he looks like."

That must have been the wrong answer because everyone gave me a really funny look. It was like I opened a broken jack in a box without anything in it but a spring. "You two have been going out for like two years!" Friend C explained to me. That's true, I was at his house almost all the time, I thought. "Yeah, Alex's parents do have quite a few pictures around the house."

Suddenly my feet were wet. I looked down at the floor but nothing was there. Then I felt it rise to my waist; eventually my chin was under water, forcing me to raise my head in disdain. They interrogated me for a few more minutes until Alex's friend Todd, or was it Tom, arrived. Every time one of Alex's friends showed up I felt like a scientist. If Tomd was hyperventilating and was short of breath, then he had just got back from playing basketball, I thought. Tomd caught his breath and started vocalizing: "Sorry I just got back from shooting hoops." My hypothesis is correct. "Amy, your boy Alex ain't doing too hot out there. I'd go check on him," Tomd elucidated. "Alright I'll check on him," I promised.

For some reason Tomd thought it was healthy to jog on back to the gym. I thought his heart would give out but he joined the game as if nothing happened. I witnessed Alex come short of a dunk; just so he could land on his backside. I guess that's my cue, I assumed. "Hey there, I think you dropped the ball," I said with a smirk. Alex looked up a greeted me with a frown.

"Yeah, definitely" he agreed. Alex got up and dusted himself off. Alex waved his hands at some of his buddies to signal to go on without him. Tom/Todd and few a casually unfamiliar faces waved back disappointed.

"Hey Amy, want to take his place?" asked... Scott!

"Maybe next time, boys: Got to see if Rambo here is fit for duty," I shouted back.

For some reason in that moment I felt like the room was getting warm. I looked around at the other occupants, the way Alex's pals laughed at each other. One punched another playfully in the arm and a second burst of taunts ensued. I turned and saw my friends heading through the double doors, probably talking about major issues like the current style today, which guys looked good. All these things would be all but forgotten years from now.

The temperature leaped up again.

I could feel my veins pump blood through my wrists. I could feel my heartbeat, pumping blood throughout my body. I traced a spout of blood run down my stomach, my legs, and then into my toes. I could feel the stream distribute oxygen and then head back to my chest.

The temperature rose. Dizziness.

I turned to Alex and started to cool down again. My heart kept beating like it was a moment ago. No, it's faster now, I thought. Then I noticed the taller figure behind Alex. My eyes wouldn't focus the way they normally would. Judging by the outlined features of these two characters in front of me I was acting as normal as ever. I couldn't feel my smile but it was there. I felt dry, like a sponge, being drained of its contents then tossed aside. I desperately wanted to make contact with this newcomer but decided to sit on a bleacher. Alex and his shadow followed. I closed my eyes just to see that my world had fixed itself. I made words: "who are you?"

"Hey, I'm Troy. You're Amy right?" said this figure. He spoke with such confidence in his voice that I had to recollect my thoughts. I was going to continue speaking when I finally saw who I was talking to. Troy was so lean compared to Alex, I thought. I mean Alex was in great condition for someone his age, but Troy was made of marble. I can see the relation between the two, but I'm speechless, I thought. I had to maintain my composure despite this feeling. Yes that's me. Alex talks about you all the time, I thought. "Oh... yeah... in the flesh," I said. "Most definitely," Troy said in response. I blushed a little bit, but hid it as soon as I felt the heat. Alex explained that we were going home early, seeing that all we were missing after lunch is math. Troy looked into my eyes when he spoke; as if he could see what I was thinking. "Right, I think we should leave early so we don't hit traffic. Would that be okay with you, Amy?" Troy asked.

I looked down, brushed my long dark hair aside, and looked back into his eyes. Troy's eyes were a deep blue, like Alex's. Only... only Alex's were like the ocean, smooth but vengeful. Troy's were like an open flame, intense and consuming. I couldn't turn away now; when our eyes locked I felt the temperature spike again. Now that the tension has changed its form I wasn't deaf at all. I could hear everything in the gym, quite well in fact. I heard my friends, Alyssa, Selena, Samantha, and Jason walk down the stairs towards the gym.  I heard Alex speak so clearly it was as if I was reading subtitles. "Let's start heading out then," I heard him say. I gave him the "that's fascinating" look. "Yeah, let's go before a teacher comes by or something," I heard myself say. So we headed out to the student parking lot and headed for Alex's house.

In the car on the way back Troy didn't say anything. I felt as if I blew my chances with talking to Troy already. I still want to be with Alex but I'm struggling to survive for some reason. I can barely feel the flame, as if it was put away in the glove compartment. Alex grasped my hand and smiled at me. I saw his smile and raised him a kiss on the cheek. Looks like his poker face was hiding the fact that he was holding all the cards. "What's up, guy?" I asked Alex, hoping that I would break this silence. I was granted this moment. "Just enjoying the view," Alex said looking right into me. I blushed. I knew that there was something in the air. But it wasn't that cold tension, nor was it that burning intimacy. I rested my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. This was nice, I thought. Balanced, I hope this moment never fades.

I started dozing off, like a child on his way to school after a long night. "So Troy, where will you be staying while you're in San Diego?" I heard Alex ask his older brother. "I found a pretty decent hotel not far from that Wal-Mart on...Shoot I can't remember," I think Troy replied. Alex and his parents shopped at that same Wal-Mart all the time. "Oh yeah, I know that hotel. We drive by it all the time," Alex recalled.

I remember this time Alex and I were roaming that super market while his parents and little sister were grocery shopping. He asked me if I loved him. I responded, "of course. Especially when we agree that we can't agree on anything anymore." I remember that day very well. We have gotten closer since then. I asked him the same question in return. He responded "I love you. I feel like you have my complete trust. There's nothing I wouldn't do to keep you here. Almost anything," he told me. I asked him what that exception was. Alex smiled. "What is it?" I pursued. He never did tell me. Then I threw a fit and kicked one of those large inflatable balls that kids pulled out from their basket. It hit a shelf and knocked over an entire division of plastic wrestlers. We scurried over to frozen foods to finish shopping.

I was so happy.

Alex went on without me as soon as I passed out in the backseat against his arm. He and Troy shifted conversation topics for the entire ride, going from living arrangements, to college life to family matters; the latter of which I could barely make out. I'm so tired, I thought in my sleeping state. We had pulled up on to Alex's driveway, gravel crunching whenever it met the rubber of the tires.

I woke up.

When we went inside Alex explained that Troy but tickets to a concert that was only a week away.

"No way! I thought it was sold out?" I hopped out of my skin when I heard that.

"Yeah I paid for them in advance. Alex tells me your guys' favorite band was in the lineup but you couldn't afford tickets," Troy explained.

You sir, have earned my undying trust, I thought.

"Hehe, don't mention it. It was nothing," Troy said.

Oops, I guess I said that out loud, I thought.

"Yeah you did," Troy laughed.

What had just happened to me?

I spoke my mind without realizing it.

Did he read my mind? No, I can hear my echoes, coming out of my mouth and running around the room like a puppy. I blushed, and started cheering in Alex's shoulder. "That's Troy for you," Alex said jokingly.

After eating dinner with Alex, Troy, Christina, and their parents, Troy drove everyone but Alex and I to his hotel.

"So what do you think?" asked my boyfriend.

"What do you mean?" I asked rhetorically. I just didn't want to think about Troy. He saw through me like I didn't even exist. Sometimes I felt as if I was imaginary. Just a concept created by everyone I knew; to provide some sort of comfort.

"What do you think of Troy, doofus?" Alex asked with a smirk on his face.

I thought for a moment. "He seems like a nice guy."

I couldn't have been so wrong before in my entire life.

Two days later I found myself alone with the beast. Alex went in his car to pick up some friends. I couldn't recognize some of the people he mentioned. I understood other people. I listened to them and answered them. But I never wanted to scare people away with who I really was. Troy saw all my gestures, every idiosyncrasy.

He saw me.

Sitting in the living room eating mac-n-cheese with him was like lying through your teeth on a lie detector test; waiting for the inevitable results to appear. Every now and then I glanced at him, then instantly decided to turn away.

I'm not sure what a photographic memory means, but I'm starting to get the big picture, I thought.

"What do you mean by that?" Troy asked me.

I just got dunked into the tension tank.

"I need to go lay down. I'll be back in a little while," I said while I rushed out of the room. Alone in Alex's room the water rushed into my eyes, blinding me. It hurt to look, so I gasped. When I did my lungs filled with water. It wasn't the gentle ripples of an argument; they were crashing typhoons of tension, muting everything in the world, hushing my mind. Will I drown in tension, or crawl across an inferno of awareness? This obsidian shore will stay my feet until I make my move. When I do, my footsteps will tear apart my world; leaving nothing but steam and shame. I can't pace on the edge of my life forever.

Suddenly the waves ceased and began to boil. Troy walked into the doorway. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked. I felt like a single noodle in the mac-n-cheese I made prior to this encounter with Troy, this feeling. Covered and cornered by things I've know my entire existence. I stood up and walked towards the door. "Look," I began to say before I was interrupted by the feeling of his lips pressed against mine. I couldn't resist him anymore. With this fire pressed against me I was drawn in like a moth. I kissed him back, trying to retreat even though it would be in vain.

I could feel my blood cringe at the heat of the intimacy. Flame charring my fingertips, the smoke forcing my eyes shut. I was trying to stand but the bed was a catacomb of ash. I called out but no letters could be sounded out when my trachea was scorched. My hands reached for any kind of foundation, but only found the pressing mass, forcing me down. I never wanted the burning to end. The heat kept rising and rising, my temples were being pierced. There was another heat source, on my waist, lifting me up into the air. I tried opening my eyes, but I saw that my worst fear had come true:

My existence had become an inferno. And I loved it.



I laid there, just a blister of what I used to be. I'm in the arms of the wrong man. That mistake would continue again and again for hours it felt. Every time after words I just laid there. "I don't want this. I can't have this," I told Troy. He looked at me and started to speak but I kissed him again. "I can't help it," I said aloud. I can't control myself. I tried siting up, but I felt two masculine arms hold me close. "It's alright," Troy whispered in my ear. "Stay here, I'll hold you close to me. If it's what you want." I felt tears cascade down my face. I turned towards him and looked him in the eye. "I don't know what I want. I want to stay with Alex... but I want to stay right here, with you." His grip around me tightened. He grimaced and simply said "Decide".

When Alex got home with his friends, Joey, Tomd, Scott, and some older girl named Cleo. The intensity was gone, and the tension was back. It had a different feel now. Almost as if I was the moon and I controlled the tides. I inhaled and brought in the tension. It couldn't crush me now, I was too strong. I exhaled and greeted this newcomer. "Hi, I'm Amy Jones. I'm Alex's girlfriend," I said with a hollow pride. The waves pushed against Cleo now. "Hello Amy, I'm Cleo, Troy's fianc."

I'm drowning.

I heard Cleo speak so unfiltered that it was as if she was speaking from everywhere. I was the moon, pulling the tides, but she was pulling me into the atmosphere. Troy walked in and kissed Cleo the exact same way he kissed me. He looked so nonchalant, while I was on my way to becoming melancholic. What's going on? You can't use me like that and toss me aside like this, I thought. This time, my thoughts remained that, Thoughts.

Later in the week, only a few hours before the concert, the seven of us stopped at a restaurant so we had something in our stomachs. Troy had gone to use the restroom, and I seized the opportunity to confront him. I excused myself from the group and headed over to the restrooms. I caught Troy on the way out and dragged him straight into the women's restroom. If someone is going to interrupt us, I hope it's that little witch, I thought. "You're engaged?! You are planning your life with someone, Why me?" I interrogated him. His expression didn't change in the slightest as if he was waiting for me to start speaking. "Because that's what you wanted, I just delivered," answered Troy. "I could see the desire in your eyes," he smirked with that perfect face, "it's still there." I was completely baffled by what he said.

It was true. Before I could go on he was pressed against me, with my arms wrapped around him in the stall.

The car ride to the stadium went on as if there had been nothing ominous about earlier. Alex's friends and Troy got along just as well as they did with Alex. I sat back and monitored the tension, missing my sister very much. Alex asked me why I was so tense, catching me off guard. "I'm just anxious for the concert, you know?" I lied. I remembered what happened this week and a bolt of guilt shot up my spine. Troy glanced at me but I wouldn't give him anything. Alex, what have I done? When we got in we were separated due to overcrowding.

My heart was pounding; every breath was a tremor on my soul. I was going to split open, my secrets exposed, my shame dragged under the light for dissection. All of my guilt would be glorified. My blood was black; I inhaled trust and exhaled poison. I have to tell Alex, I thought. I'll tell him it wasn't my fault. And accept whatever crashes down on me would be justified. I was surrounded by angry faces, roaring and singing in the rhythm of my pain. I had already separated from Alex in the physical sense, I don't want to completely separate from him.

I felt Troy coming up behind me, not like the sun beaming over a golden horizon. No this was like an explosion, as if he wanted his presence to be known without saying it. I turned to face the opposition. I made my way across the playing field; it was littered with trash. Our eyes locked, but not out of lust. I was losing everything. I feel hate, regret, and sadness. I wanted to break him. Troy went to grab my arm but I knocked his hand away and I slammed into his chest with my shoulder. We bumped several strangers, and before I knew it I had started a mosh pit.

Bodies, Bodies, Bodies started ramming and bashing into each other. People would punch and kick one another for the adrenaline. I punched Troy in the chest. My ribs were impacted by an elbow. I cringed at the pain, cursing everything that dared enter my sight. Troy's fist entered my left eye.

Pain?

I was numb, no longer feeling anything but pure rage.

My shoulder,

My stomach,

My nose,

My wrist,

My eye,

My life.

I gave all I had left into a fist into his lower jaw. I sent him sprawling into the abyss were the ground used to be. One of the angry faces pushed me back a ways, so fast I was seeing stars... literally. I felt arms start to lift me up. Panic replaced the anger, so I flailed like a fish in a net. Once my feet were planted on the ground I spun around and attacked the shady figure. I was caught off guard by the entity that was in front of me.

Alex. Before I could even think he grasped my good wrist and dragged me to a quieter location. "What the hell was that back there?!" Alex shouted at me. "I was moshing, what do you think?!" I shouted back. My temper would not falter. "That's bull, you were attacking my brother!" Alex's eyes were so angry. "And?! He deserves it!" I screamed back. "Why?! What could he have done in the week he has been here? Why?!" he said, his voice trembling like the stadium.

"We fucked!" I screamed. "We did it while you were picking up everyone up a couple days ago!" Alex's face was contorted in a look of horrified anger.

"And I loved every second of it." I busted into tears. "I c-can't... I'm sorry, Alex. It wasn't... I-I-I..." I collapsed, stirring the dirt up into the air. Alex knelt down next to me. My tears washed over my already smeared mascara, revealing black tears that washed over my dirt covered cheeks. "Alex, I love you!" I cried, with my hand on his cheek. He held my hand against his face. "I loathe you, Amy. I feel like you have completely broken my trust. There's nothing worth doing to keep you here now," Alex explained. "You have become so distant; I'm not even sure where I lost you. But you can't come back now."

My heart was shattered, broken into shards of dismay. "Alex... I'm," I couldn't finish. "Just stop, Amy! You went ahead and betrayed me. For how long? No, just don't." Alex let go of my hand. I reached out one last time, attempting to connect to someone.

"I understand your pain, but I can't feel you anymore," Alex echoed back as he walked away. My tears dried on my face, leaving black streaks on my face. I stood up, and dusted myself off. I stood alone. My life isn't over yet. I walked away in the other direction. I felt Alex's eyes turn on me. I didn't look back; can't look forward. I saw the crowd had all but dissipated. "The song is over and no one is left but me," I said to myself. "I didn't enter this world alone. I will make mistakes by myself." I heard footsteps, they were not my own. I could feel embers rain down on me. "Hey... Troy," I said without emotion. "Burn in hell little girl," Troy yelled back. "Sorry, we did that. It's over," I said with absolute confidence. I walked up to him and kissed him for one last time. I did this as a sort of penance for my justice against him. I also did this because Cleo was walking up behind him. She had the third most despairing look that I'll ever see on her face. Cleo stumbled forward, she grasped Troy's shoulder and... I walked away from him too. I exited the stadium, stage left.

My life is just getting started, I thought with a smirk on my face.