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A bitter man tries to get rid of Christmas |
| [Introduction]
North Pole, Santa is getting ready for his yearly trip to deliver toys and presents to the children around the world, until he got a visitor, and he's not here for toys. Lance Bolton a once naughty kid who keeps getting coal in his stockings ever sense he bullied the kids in his neighborhood at age 13, now 21 and angry about it. "Santa! I'm sick and tired of getting coal each year and now I'm here to do something about it!" Santa says "I remember you, you were a naughty kid. As far as I remember, you made the children in your neighborhood miserable, not only by stealing their toys but beat them up for your pleasure. You never deserved toys for behavior like that." Lance says "Well, if I can't have toys, neither would the children! Men, you know what to do." His henchmen then came in and tied up Santa and forced him out of the factory. Leaving Lance saying "Sorry Santa, there's no Christmas this year." He laughs menacingly as the Elves overheard, Jingle the lead elf says "You heard that?" Mistletoe, a female elf says "Oh yes, but what can we do?" Jingle says "Quickly, take Blitzen and find us some heroes that can stand up to Lance and free Santa." Mistletoe says "I'll be back before you can say North Star?"
|
| Miami, Florida U.S.A. Stephen Hertz just got home from work. That's when he saw a reindeer in his front yard. "What are you doing here? Aren't you too far South?" "Mr. Hertz, you're needed up North." He looks around and sees a girl dressed strangly and with pointed ears. "Excuse me?" The girl says "My name's Mistletoe and I'm one of Santa's elves and we need your help." Stephen blinks at the news, "Uhh, okey. What do you need help on?" |
| "CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT TO BE DESTROYED!" Screamed the Elf at the top of her lungs "Geez you're loud." Stephen said "Sorry." Mistletoe said "Got to work on that." |
| Mistletoe explained to Stephen about Lance Bolton and his revenge on Santa and how he's going to stop Christmas, they both heard "Christmas is canceled this year? It can't be canceled. Santa promised me Power Rangers this year." It was Stephen's 10 year old son, Joshua who just got home from playing with his friends. Stephen went to his son, "Don't worry, you'll get your presents this year. I'll make sure of it." Mistletoe says "Then you'll accept." Stephen nodded "Being a father I will not see my son disappointed, I'm doing this to other children who Santa promised presents and I stood up to a bully when I was Joshua's age, why would Lance be any different?" He turns to Joshua "When your mother gets home, tell her I'm going to the North Pole to save Christmas." He turns back to Mistletoe, "Now how do I get to the North Pole? I certainly can't ride the reindeer, it's too small." |
| "Um..." Mistletoe "That's just the standard Reindeer, we've also got Giant Reindeer the size of Moose." |
| "Then give me a moose," said Stephen and there was an electrical sound followed by a loud POINGGG! and the moose-sized reindeer complete with saddle and reins was there. "I assume it's like riding a horse?" Stephen asked. "Pretty much," said Mistletoe, except you have to make frequent expressions of joy if you want to keep the reindeer airborne." "Expressions of joy?" "Ho ho ho! Or Ha ha ha! Something like that." |
| "Also, you have to watch out for downdrafts." Said Mistletoe. "Downdraft?" "Yeah, they're like big vortexes that'll suck you down and probably make you crash and die. The North Pole is covered in them, and they're almost impossible to see coming." She mounted her reindeer gracefully. "But other than that, it's still just like riding a horse. Only, not." |
| Both Reindeers are soon airborn. Steve had no trouble keeping his in flight by laughing, he's having fun but he notices that he's not going directly North, "Where are we going?" He asked, "We need to pick up the others to join in the fight, you know your no match for Lance alone so we're getting others like you." |
| "OK..." Steve said as a Young Woman from Los Angeles arrived on her own Giant Reindeer. "Who are you?" Steve asked "I'm Amanda Franken." Said the Young Woman "And I agreed to this because Santa promised me Mutants Down Under and Mutants in Avalon this year to complete my collection of Mutant RPG books." |
| Suddenly, a young man showed up, also on a giant reindeer. "Call me BBWolf," said the young man. "Why did you agree to this?" Steve asked. "Mosquito." "You want mosquitoes for Christmas?" Amanda asked. "No. It's a 1995 B-Rank Horror film starring Gunnar Hansen," said BBWolf. "Spaceship crashlands on Earth, killing the crew. Mosquitoes suck on the blood, and grow to the size of humans, with bigger appetites, and it's up to a ragtag group to kill them." "So, why do you want some B-grade film?" Steve asked. "It costs $200 to buy." "Who charges that much for a movie?" Amanda asked. "Most such films cost $10 to $25." "When it's in private hands, and the film is Out of Print." "Oh!" |
| "If it was me," Steve said. "I would just say oh well I guess I can't have that movie." "I'm not you," said BBWolf. "Anyway, I guess that's what I did say since I am asking Santa for it." "Oh. Right. Good point." A riderless reindeer came flying up to join their little group. "Who are you?" Amanda asked. "Don't you recognize me?" The reindeer pointed at his red nose. "I'm Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. I want to join the rebellion." "It's not exactly a rebellion," said Amanda. |
| The night was awesomely quiet as they rolled along, over counties and states. Overhead, the Milky Way stretched out across the heavens as if they could have reached out and grabbed it, a huge pearly blur trailing off into crystalline wings intricate as a spider's web. Ahead, as the silver and marble world of ice and snow curved away beneath them, the Great Plains gave way to a belt of darker blue parkland, fronting an endless forest of pines. Beyond, the faintest trace of the aurora glimmered like a jewel. To the east, so far away, Hudson Bay glimmered in the moonlight, little ice-bergs drifting contemplatively over the freezing water. Blitzen neatly barrel-rolled into the growing formation, an apparently terrified teenager clinging to his back desperately. "Ha. Ha. Ho-ho. Ha. Ha. ho-" He muttered mechanically, wide-eyed with fright. Below him, the reindeer shook his impressive antlers. "This is the third time I've told you," Said Blitzen gently. "You need to loosen up. It's hard to fly when you chant it like that. I might crash." "Ahahahahaha! Hohohoho!" The rider screamed. "That's...A bit better." Regardless of whether a reindeer could smile at all, Blitzen made what was certainly a good attempt. "So, what's your story?" Called Amanda. "Hohohohoho- Oh, hello, I'm JD. I was woken up to go fight some guy named Lence at the North Pole to save Christmas, and well... I try to never say 'no' in a dream." For a brief moment, his eyes shone, and the continued, far more empathetically. "Also, I get a lifetime's supply of magic coal if I help! It won't even give off see-oh two. I'll never be cold again!" Amanda blinked, but, apparently rejuvenated, he was suddenly back to laughing manically, this time completely in earnest. |
| Meanwhile back at Santa's workshop, Lance and his men has the toys set up on a conveyor belt to a large furnace, Santa says "You're going to burn the presents? Have you no shame?" Lance says "I have no use for toys these days and what better way to make the children miserable?" He laughs menacingly. and walks towards the control panel. Unknowingly, Jingle snuck in "Oh Jingle," Santa whispers, "All my hard work making toys for children going up in flames." Jingle pulls out a radio "I hope Mistletoe fell through." |
| Amanda looked at her Reindeer "Do you talk? What's your name?" "Sunset." Said the Reindeer in a Female Voice "I'm the sister of Rudolph." |
| "So, any good movies?" BBWolf asked. "Saw How the Grinch Stole Christmas with Jim Carry," said his reindeer. "That guy's a riot!" BBWolf chuckled at this. "You have that right! You remember the scene where he was looking for something to wear?" "Started with the tablecloth, and ended up with that yodeler's outfit!" "Then there was that scene involving the Mayor and the dog." "I felt sorry for poor Max - He was dragging his butt on the carpet afterwards!" |
| "I'm worried," Mistletoe said. "I've been gone a long time finding you guys. I hope Jingle is okay. That darn Lance Bolton! Just when you think Christmas is in the bag, along comes some fiend to ruin it!" "We'll get him!" Rudolph said. "We'll convert him from naughty to nice! Christmas stories always end well. I've lived through dozens of them." |
| "Hoho -Hey, uh, Rudolph? Hoho." Called Jay-dee. "What?" Called the reindeer over the high-altitude wind. "Did any of those other antagonists have guns, perchance?" "Not very many, but I'm sure a few did." He sped on, clearly unfazed by the query. |
| Then Mistletoe's radio came to life, "Mistletoe, we have an emergency." Mistletoe says "Jingle, what's the emergency?" Jingle says "It's Lance, he's about to burn the presents in the workshop's furnace." Jingle says "Oh, that's horrible, we better head back and stop Lance." She turns to the 4 heroes and reindeers "We better head back or else there will be no presents to save." |
| "OK!" Amanda said She tried to charge in but her sneakers sank quick in the snow. "I'm not prepared for this weather..." The Southern Californian said Sunset said "Here ride on me." The Reindeer pulled Amanda onto her Mistletoe handed Amanda a hockey stick to use as a weapon |
| BBWolf pulled out a putter and a sandwedge. "Do you play golf?" Steve asked. "Someone complained when I got something more lethal," said BBWolf. "Like what?" "A shotgun." "I can see where a deer would complain about that." |
| Rudolph said, "I wish my nose was a laser." "What exactly is that thing?" BBWolf asked. "Some kind of bioluminescence phenomena?" "I'm not a scientist," Rudolph said. "I only know it glows. But if it could shoot out beams of death and destruction... Oh boy!" |
| Jay-dee had acquired a lacrosse stick, shifting the implement back and forth uncertainty. "Well, there's no time for the present." He said with obviously false bravado, pointing the tool at the factory. "I need that coal, so let's go!" |
| As everyone approached the workshop, They found the area is teaming with thugs "Either Santa is hiring Elf substitutes, or those must be Lance's men." BBWolf says "Shall we take them?" JD says "Too many, we just have to sneak past them, like Splinter Cell." |
| They snuck around to the back door of the workshop. Lance's big black Hummer was parked there. "We should let the air out of his tires," Rudolph said. |
| Jay-dee stuck his lacrosse pole through a window, carefully snagging toys as more of Lance's minions piled them up. "You know, there sure are a lot of guns in there," He mused. "Bltizen, you don't happen to make any violent toys, do you?" "How should I know?" Asked the reindeer, clearly annoyed. "I'm just a courier. Ask Mistletoe; she makes them." |
| "Dang..."Said Amanda "This is going to be dangerous..."Then she smelled something... "Is someone cooking something?" She asked "Auntie December must be making bean soup in the kitchen." Said Mistletoe "I have an idea." Said Amanda Next thing Lance knew he had a whole cauldron of hot soup poured on him from above |
| Unfortunately, Lance's reaction to being hurt was to start shooting. Soon, there were bullets spraying everywhere as his men joined in with their guns. "Duck and cover!" Amanda yelled. |
| "Well, they know we're here now," Said Jay-dee, hiding next to Blitzen behind a snow-bank, stray bullets sending up puffs of powder all around them. "What do we do now? Should we try to distract them, lead them off?" "I don't know. That seemed pretty dangerous to me." The reindeer shrugged, breaking off into a grunt as the human jumped on him. "Hey! Gerroff! You're making us a bigger target!" A bullet zipped past them to vanish in the night. "I've got an idea; we'll fly above them and drop snowballs on them. It'll be too dark for them to see us!" Jay-dee scooped up a pile of snow with his lacrosses stick, carefully moulding it into a ball. |
| Everyone flew up on their reindeers to get out of the bullet fire and began bombarding everyone with snowballs. Lance blurts out "You're only succeeding in making us angrier, you're going to do a lot better then snowballs!" That's when a ball of ice the size of a basketball drops onto one of the thugs, knocking him out. |
| "You know." Amanda said "I fail to see how we can help." "Maybe some of the toys themselves can help us." Mistletoe said she played on a magic flute that brought stuffed animals to life. As soon as the magic started, the stuffed animals began to move around. The largest ones headed straight for Lance, with a five foot eight inch stuffed Dragon body slamming Lance |
| "You know, what with the toys distracting them, now would be a good time to get those guns in the truck over there," said BBWolf. |
| "Good idea," Rudolph said, "because those stuffed bunnies aren't doing much damage." "The same for Barbie come to life. She's just shaking a finger at Lance and calling him a bad boy." |
| "They're going for the truck!" Shouted a thug, whacking at a toy train "Stop them!" Yelled Lance, wrestling with a teddy bear. Bullets flew and the truck exploded, combusting fuel tank blasting it over onto its side as flames jumped up from the chassis. |
| Lance says "You lamebrains! I said stop them not destroy the truck! That was our only means of transportation!" |
| "Were those idiots using incendiary rounds?" BBWolf asked. "Why do you want to know?" Steve asked. "Because regular bullets wouldn't do that - not even armor piercing ones," said BBWolf. "The whole 'Let's shoot the car to make it blow up' thing is a TV Trope - 'Every Car is a Pinto', named after the infamous Ford car - but not even Pintos blow up that easily!" "We're still without the guns," said Steve. "You do have a point there," said BBWolf. "Say, did we knock out any of the ones outside? They'd have their guns." |
| A bullet ricocheted off a nearby tree. Everyone ducked. "I think they still have some guns," Rudolph said. |
| Steam was rising from the unending hail of incendiary rounds in the snow, mixing with the destroyed remains of the vehicle and blotting out the stars. Blitzen landed behind the snow-bank. "Good idea getting them to destroy the truck!" Called Jay-dee, coughing from smoke inhalation and exhaustion from pelting snowballs. "How so?" Said Blitzen sourly. "Now they're stuck here and we can't even make them run off." "Well, kind of..." Said the human slyly. "What's that supposed to mean?" Asked the reindeer, tossing his antlers. "There is one way for them to get home, actually; you!" |
| Blitzen says "Oh no, I'm not letting them ride me." Rudolph says "Or any of us at that matter." Stephen says "Right now, let's focus on freeing Santa, perhapse he has a way to get them home, their new home the ones with bars in the windows." |
| "Are there any firecrackers in the toy shop?" Amanda asked "HECKS NO!" Said Rudolph "Only naughty children play with firecrackers!" "Well that beats that idea." Amanda said "Hey Mistletoe." Blitzen said "Wasn't Lance always afraid of Lobsters as a boy?" "He was." Said Mistletoe "Do we have any toy Lobsters?" Asked Blitzen |
| "What are you thinking about doing?" BBWolf asked. "Are you going to stick a remote controlled toy down his pants or something?" |
| "Hey, Jay-dee, let me borrow that lacrosse stick," Said Amanda. Carefully, she scooped it through the window, snatching up a secession of lobster-toys, from stuffies to eerily advanced animatronics. "Thanks! Okay; I think that some of us should create another diversion, while the others fly around and pelt Lance with lobsters. He might have flashbacks or something." "And I'll free Santa!" Said Rudolph. |
| Stephen puts the lobster toys on RCs "This'll work, Lance will freak out when he sees a school of lobsters moving around." |
| Lance was about to maim some innocent stuffed animals when he felt something pinch his heel. He looked down and saw it was his worst nightmare! "A LOBSTER!" He shrieked |
| Rudolph gathered the other reindeer around. "OK, guys, we have to free Santa." "How?" Prancer asked. "He's tied up in the warehouse and the door is locked." Rudolph stared at Prancer. "Are you that dumb? We bust open the door, cut his ropes, and set him free." "Oh. Well, I'm just a reindeer. You can't expect me to think of everything." "But at least think of something, just one tiny thing. Do you only want to be known as that big dumb guy who can fly?" "Cool! As long as they know me. I want to sign some autographs." |
| "Okay," Said Rudolph, sticking his nose out from behind cover. "Lance is going crazy, so we can get to the warehouse while he's distracted and-" Singling out his glowing nose, a barrage of bullets tore into the herd's cover. Rudolph jumped back, one hand pawing at his noes as if disbelieving that it was still attached. "You know what gang? Screw this; everybody charge!" |
| The Reindeer grabbed Santa and hauled him out. "Phew!" Santa said "I was worried for a moment there." |
| "We're probably safer if we stay in the woods," Rudolph said. "The trees can stop the bullets." Santa wrung his hands. "I don't understand how anyone can be so evil that they want to disrupt Christmas." "Maybe you should have thought of that when you put coal in Lance Bolton's stocking every Christmas," Mistletoe said. "Wait a minute! Are you trying to blame all this on ME?!" "I'm just saying." |
| "I almost have to admire these guys," Said Sunset, watching the group of thugs alternate between being pelted with snowballs and attacked by armies of toys as their truck smoked and guttered out in the background. "They're not giving up." |
| Stephen says "They're persistent, but sooner or later they're going down. So I'm not giving up. My son is counting on me." |
| "What else can we do?" Amanda asked "We've scalded him with boiling hot soup, tormented him with Toy Lobsters...Hey what's this?" She picked up a shining jewel. "I know what that is!" Mistletoe said "It's a Totem Jewel!" "Here in the North Pole." Said Rudolph "There is Magical Energy that channels Totem Spirits." "What do Totem Spirits do?" Amanda asked "Put that jewel in your mouth and you'll find out." Said Mistletoe Feeling rather silly, Amanda put the green jewel in her mouth, the jewel reacted to unique bio-energy and she transformed into an Anthropomorphic Skunk. "Well this is awkward." Said Amanda |
| "Be sure to stay downwind of the rest of us," BBWolf said, waving a hand in front of his face. "I have enough experience with Pepe Le Pews." |
| "Am I supposed to lay a stink on Lance?" Amanda asked. "It's your totem spirit," Mistletoe said. "Do whatever your heart tells you to do." |
| Stephen hid behind a metal box along with BBWolf and JD "I hope this works," He whispered, "I would choose anthro lobster and really scare Lance." |
| "I don't think you choose your totem." JD said "I think your totem chooses you." Amanda blew stink spray on Lance, and Lance was left temporarily blinded and unable to smell, he fell over, vomiting in the snow. "OK!" Amanda said grabbing Lance by the seat of his pants with her teeth "We got him now!" In Lance's weakened state Amanda started spanking the Brute. Stephen looked at Mistletoe "Are there any more Totem Jewels?" "There should be." Mistletoe said "If you dig in the snow, the North Pole is practically made of Totem Jewels." |
| "I don't think we ought to do any transformations right now," BBWolff said, his hand over his mouth. "After all, if the place stinks now, what do you think would happen if you became something that is known for having a good sense of smell." "You have a point," said Stephen. |
| Rudolph idly kicked some snow in Lance's face. "Well, now that we've caught the devil, what are we going to do with him? Who is in favor of freezing him inside of a snowman?" "That's pretty harsh," said BBWolf. "We could stone him to death with chunks of coal." "Even harsher, reindeer dude! Where is your Christmas spirit?" |
| "Let's gouge his eyes out with icicles!" Said JD. "Ooh! Even better!" Threw in Stephen. "We'll spray his fingers with water, witch'll get under his nails, where it'll freeze in the cold and expand!" "We'll cut him up and deliver a little piece of him to every child in the world!" Recommended Amanda enthusiastically. BBWolf just stared all around with ever-rising horror. |
| BBWolf says "Listen to yourselves? You all sound like a lynch mob. I know Lance is scum but he doesn't deserve that sort of torture." Amanda says "Then what shell we do to him?" |
| "Which ones?" "Don't Eskimos have police, or is that the Inuet around here?" |
| "Why don't we let Santa decide what to do with him?" Mistletoe said. Rudolph looked around. "Where is Santa anyway?" |
| (BBWolf... Was that gaff revenge for me writing Zena as overly bloodthirsty? I guess I had it coming) "He's over there," Said Amanda. "He looked pretty panicked, probably after all the time lost." "At least the toys weren't burnt." Said Mistletoe. "And with elvish magic, tidying up around here shouldn't be too hard." "Rudolph," Said JD. "Would you and the other reindeer mind helping us get these thugs to Iqaluit?" "Iqaluit?" The reindeer cocked an anthropomorphic eyebrow. "But that's quite a ways away. Shouldn't we fly them somewhere closer?" "It's the only city in the territory with a big enough police station." Said JD with a pristine delivery, before grinning sheepishly. "Alright, I'm joking; it's the only one I can remember the name of off the top of my head." "I still think Santa will have a better idea of what to do than the police." Said Mistletoe. |
| Santa says "I have and idea on what we should do with Lance, this time it's more then just coal in his stockings." "Oh?" Mistletoe intoned, "What are you going to do to him?" |
| "I'm going to reverse age him back into a boy of eight years old, until he can learn some manners." Santa said "You have that power?!" Amanda gasped |
| Santa laughed at this. "Ho! Ho! Ho! How do you think I stay so young, and good looking?" "Um, palates?" "Oh, I do exercise, not that it does this belly of mine any good, but magic's the real reason," said Santa. "Fact is, I have to dye my hair, beard, and mustache white, in order to look as old as people think that I am." |
| "Santa!" Rudolph protested. "Don't tell everyone your secrets! Besides, if they ever find out how old YOU are, then they will know how old I am!" "We already know how old you are," JD said. "You were born not long before World War II." "Who told you?!" Rudolph gasped. |
| "I guessed." Said the human. "Actually, now that I think of it…. Santa, if Rudolph's really only about seventy years old-" "I am not!" "…How did you manage all those years without him? There must have been a lot of foggy nights." |
| Blitzen says "As long as the children believed in Santa, we remain young. Not just Rudolph but the rest of us as well." |
| "Um, what are we going to do with him now?" asked BBWolf. "Oh, foster care, or some such thing," said Santa. |
| "I know a family that is looking for a boy!" Mistletoe said. "You do?" "Yes, they live on a farm in Minnesota and a boy to help with the chores would be much appreciated. They are a loving family and have already adopted three other kids. Lance could get himself straightened out there." "Sounds perfect," Santa said. "Mistletoe, I don't know what I would do without you." |
| "We've had to make adjustments to some wish lists," Mistletoe said. "Some kids will not get quite all the toys they wanted." "That's no problem," Santa said. "It builds character. Sometimes I think I over do it. Maybe once I should skip a Christmas, no gifts at all, just to give the tots something to think about." "Santa!" Mistletoe said, alarm in his eyes. "Just kidding," Santa said. |
| "Well, why not charge them with breaking and entering?" Said JD. "Oh, sorry; I meant Lance's thugs. It'll be a pain, and we'll probably all have to testify, but we might as well try them normally, right?" |
| Santa says "Jingle." Jingle comes in and says "Yes Santa?" Santa says "How is Lances men doing?" Jingle says "They're all tied up at the moment." The camera shows the workshop interior and shows the elves looking at Lances thugs all tied up with big ribbons. Jingle says "Say the word and I'll have them sent to a nearby base where the military there help lock them up." |
| "Um..." Amanda said "What about me being a Skunk." "Don't worry." Said Rudolph "It'll wear off in a couple of hours." |
| "This will be another good Christmas," Rudolph said. "I can't wait to guide the sleigh. I love that job! And the milk and cookies are a nice side benefit." |
| "I thought reindeer couldn't eat chocolate?" Asked JD. "They're not all chocolate!" Said Rudolph derisively. "Oh. Sorry... But who makes cookies that don't even have chocolate chips in them?" He replied, tone coloured as if he were presenting a crippling logical fallacy in the caribou's argument. "Well, a bunch of them don't, okay? And I need the energy to fly all around." "Speaking of energy," Said JD. "Santa, may I please have some coal?" |
| Santa says "That is certainly an odd request, I usually give coal to those who are naughty. Why in heavens would you want coal for these days?" |
| "Why would you want that?" BBWolf asked. "I mean, if it was Summer, I could understand charcoal." |
| "Because," Said JD very slowly and carefully. "Coal is inflammable. I'm no scientist, but I believe that the carbon molecules in coal can be excited by applying thermal energy, which can create a chain-reaction that will release more thermal energy in the form of plasma, while destroying the coal and breaking it down. Coal-burns-makes heat." He summarized. "And since it's winter, heat is a rare and valuable thing." |
| "Oooo, diamonds!" Rudolph said. "I always wanted a diamond-studded collar. The diamonds would sparkle with reflections from my noise. I think it would be stunning." |
| "Come to think of it, that would really be pretty." Said JD. "Of course, we still don't know what to do with Lance's thugs. Does anybody have any ides? The easiest way would be to roll them under an ice flow; the orca's 'll get them before the cold will." |
| Jingle says "We'll deal with them later, right now it's almost midnight. Time to prepare for your yearly trip Santa." Amanda says "What shall we do to them for now?" Santa says "I know, Jingle. Inform the Winter Warlock that we have naughty people that needs watching over." Jingle says "Yes Santa." "And make sure Lance is prepared. That farmer is about to have his Christmas present." |
| The Winter Warlock looked after Lance's goons in his cave as Santa delivered toys around the world, Lance ended up in a farm in Kansas where he was bought up properly, forgotten on what he once was, as for his goons, they ended up froze to death. As for the heroes, they were awarded for the presents they deserved for saving Christmas. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! The End! |
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