Thinking on paper

Writing, while not my life, is something I love to do. An idea arrives and threatens to run away if I don't write it down. That's a pleasure and often out of it, something decent comes.

I have trouble with my poetry, however. I rarely write fiction--- be grateful for that--- and that leaves poetry and nonfiction. The urge to think up the perfect idea for a prompt or a better approach for getting a notion down in print stymies me. I know I need to just get it down but I'm afraid of failing, of getting it wrong, of not being good enough. I'm afraid because no one can can see me, just my writing. If people could actually see me, they'd realize I'm handicapped and cut me some slack. The idea of being regarded by people who only know me as Whiskerface is a relief and a terror. I keep expecting other writers on WDC to reach through the keyboard and grab me. I expect to hear that I'm no good, and even though I've never received a bad review from anyone here, I keep expecting to have others realize I'm a fraud. I know this up is what I wNt to say, because the words are just pouring out of me. It seems I do less writing these days, and more purging of my insecurities. Why is that? Am I really that insecure, that afraid? I hope not. I don't know why but I seem to write these emotional pieces at bedtime. Is my muse waking up then, or what? Maybe it is just a release from the pressures of the day. I don't know. Until I get past this perfection thing, however, I'm stuck in neutral. I don't want to be there. I want, no I crave to move forward and accomplish something with my writing. I've received awardicons and I'm torn between believing someone saw something worthwhile in my writing, or thinking that these folks are out of their minds. But I suppose an entire website can't be wrong. That means I do have something good to offer. I feel proud to be treated well here, and excited that I win something because if what I produce. This is all really dumping out of me right now, and it think I'm learning something now. I'm learning that I can do something worthwhile, that I have friends who don't care about much if the superficial stuff on WDC, and that I need to stop getting in my own way. I think every time I write something like this, I remove some of the old baggage that's been hanging around, taking up vital real estate in my brain. Time to ditch the. Mental clutter and move on. I may have to keep doing this I until in reach a point where I'm not holding back so much. It's an achievable goal. I'm not sure where this is all coming from, but maybe it's the editor free part of me. According to the Husband, I say things in my sleep that I would. Ever say if I were conscious. "Your idea of a hot date is a trip to the gas station, " I once told him. But it's good I'm doing this, and valuable. Maybe being a member here is liberating me from the fear of people judging me or disapproving of me. I received two merit badges and two awardicons in two weeks recently. That amazed me a little, but it's also given my confidence a real boost. I need to keep writing, even if it's junk, to better myself, not to look better to others. After all I have to live with myself all the time. It's good to relax, to let go, and I now see I've been doing this for a while. Some of what's in my portfolio shows this. Well, those are my thoughts tonight. Keep well and sweet dreams. Whiskerface out.