And then..

And then I thought about waking up with her this morning and wondered if that would be the last time I woke up next to her. And it was awful because I hadn’t known it was gonna be the last time and if I did I would've kissed her more times and hugged her a bit tighter. And it just would’ve been different. If I had known I would’ve tried to make it so good it couldn’t be our last. And I will never erase the vision of her platinum reflective eyes when they looked into mine. And then I started wondering if she was thinking about any of it and I started to cry because just like every other time in my life I knew she wasn’t. And even though I felt it a million times it still stung like the first. I would close my eyes in a way that made me never want to open them again. I thought about everything I had accomplished and all the successful things I had ahead and I realized they weren’t going to be half as great if she wasn’t next to me during it all. And I knew from the beginning it was gonna end up breaking me all over again but I told myself I had to play it out because every good moment was gonna be worth how much it would hurt in the end. And if this is the end I don’t know if missing her will be stronger than the good and I wish I didn’t have to find out but I will. And I thought about all the firsts and the lasts we would have and how I hadn’t known the lasts and sometimes you don’t get to and how that wasn’t really fair.