Mezmur's Wish

Mezmur’s flaming eyes lay hidden under tears. Her jet-black hair was sprawled all around as the silvery moon illuminated the streaks of purple. Blood seeping from self-inflicted cuts staining her blue arm covers. Her body in pain, her soul cold her heart all but dead, her mind active and engaged with so much thought. “Abandoned...Cold...Worthless...Empty...Canis...” Her stomach growled and twisted; she had been lying there bleeding and dazed for a week. Writhing and howling in anguish. All this because Canis, her former flame, had used her, ripped her heart out and torn it to shreds. Mezmur found solace in the woods with blades. She slipped into herself as her body spasmed and she moaned.

She was found three days later bleeding more, convulsing more, her stomach was equally as loud as her howling and screeching. She was tripped over by Kezick. His green eyes fell upon the near dead elf girl; his own elfish ears heard her painful noises. Not having eaten in so long Kezick easily picked up Mezmur’s limp body. He carried her to his apartment and placed her on the bed of a spare room. He placed a hand over her heart, over her black with blue flame tank top, and cast a reviving spell. Kezick’s spell had a lot of negativity to work through. Kezick woke up in the middle of the night to a blood-curdling howl. “What the hell?” he muttered running hand through his wild blue hair as he stepped into the living room. Running wild through his living room was a wolf, a perfect silver animal with a purple underbelly. The wolf coiled back as if ready to spring forward but collapsed and melted to form the elf he had brought back. Skater pants, silver rings, bracelets, necklaces and all.

“Oww,” Mezmur moaned. She raised her head and looked up at Kezick. “I’m Kezick, hi.” He smiled toothily. Mezmur’s blood red painted lips opened. She was about to say her name but pain took her over. A painful wail came out instead. “Are you okay?” “I need food.” Mezmur was too weak to move. Kezick fed her a bowl of All Berries Captain Crunch cereal. Some of her strength was returning. “What happened to you?” “I had my heart ripped out, stepped on, kicked around and finally shredded.” “I’m so sorry...” Kezick still didn’t know her name. “Mezmur,” she told him. “Kez, thank you,” Mezmur said on her knees in front of Kezick, looking into his eyes. She moved closer to him and placed her hands with electric blue nails on Kezick's shoulders. His shoulders were bare and strong. “Mezmur,” Kezick said, his hands around the waist of Mezmur’s pants. “What?” “What are you doing?” He was breathing deeply now. Mezmur moved as close to Kezick’s bare chest as she could and rested her head on his shoulder. “I don’t know.” “Mezmur-” He stopped talking. Mezmur’s mouth and pouty red lips were kissing his neck and her hands were hot on his skin. As hot as Mezmur was and as much as she was turning Kezick on, Kezick gripped her waist and forced Mezmur off of him.

Mezmur winced as her back hit the cold tile. Rejected again. “Abandoned... Unwanted...Alone...Rejected...bad...”, he mind was so full. “Mezmur,” Kezick called. All Mezmur heard was, “Stupid...Empty...Not needed...Die...” “Mezmur!” Kezick yelled this time getting Mezmur's attention. “Are you okay?” “Mezmur’s fine,” she lied hearing the rain hitting and beading off the windows. She pushed herself up off the floor and walked over to the window. She pushed the window open and stuck her head out into the rain. In a flash she was gone. Falling from the window. She landed perfectly... in front of Kezick who had teleported. “Where are you going?” Mezmur shoved Kezick out of her way and stormed off. She seemed to melt into the night.

Alone with herself again Mezmur fell to her knees and was seized by tears. Kezick had thrown her away. All she wanted was to be loved, to be paid attention to. She wanted so badly to be loved even in its smallest measurement that she would have willingly made herself the whore to anyone who would show her the least bit of affection. Her extreme desire to be touched, held, kissed, and loved led her deep into the city.

The lights, the cars, the people. Mezmur loved it all. She loved the clubs the best. The fog, the music, the rush of energy that was purely sexual. The tightly sculpted young lad she was dancing with. He held Mezmur close to him, gently touching her face, sweetly kissing her. His hands were all over her body; so were his kisses. Lying under the twenty-two year old was a pantless Mezmur wearing only a leather bra and a thin layer of sweat. She didn’t even know his name, oh well, that didn’t matter. He filled her physical need for sex and attention. “That’s all I wanted.” Then why was she once again crying? She pulled her arm back and punched her fist into a brick wall with more force than she expected. Her hand bones cracked. Her skin was scratched and bleeding. “What did that wall do to you Mezmur?” It was Kezick. Mezmur swung her other hand at Kezick’s face. The punch was hard and Mezmur followed it with another. “Mezmur chill.” Kezick grabbed Mezmur’s arms and refused to hit her. “Mezmur-” “Don’t touch me!” she sobbed. “Why not?” “I’m dirty. I’m slime, vile, below human.” “Why so?” “I let some guy I don’t even know inside me. I’m so nasty, filthy, icky. I’ve made a whore of myself.” “Are you okay?” “No!” she yelled before collapsing.

“You’re not those things,” Kezick told her. All she could remember was him throwing her off. She pulled away from him but hated herself for it. “Then why’d you push Mezmur off?” “Because you’re not those things. You don’t get what you want through fucking random people.” “Look Kez, I don’t need a lesson on life okay. I’m a big girl.” Silence. “What do you want form me?” Mezmur randomly blurted. “I...uh...” As Kezick searched in vain for words Mezmur cleared the height of tall building in a single leap. Kezick stood there waiting for Mezmur to jump. Mezmur was hiding safely on top of the building, tucked into a corner in the fetal position. “Canis...Dais... Nobody wants me.” The rain picked up again and in a short while she was drenched. Her hair clung to her head. Her top and skater pants stuck to her body. She wanted to go home.

In her silver and purple wolf morph she leapt off the backside of the building and was only a streaking blur in the allies and back streets that took her to her woods. She returned to her elfin form to reopen her cuts. The pain was blissful as the sharp metal dragged over her skin. “Mezmur!” She jumped at that voice, her blade falling to the ground. “I’m surprised you’re still alive.” “Fuck off Canis.” “You’re pathetic.” A new word to torture her. Canis lowered himself level with Mezmur, his midnight blue eyes glinting from moonlight reflecting off Mezmur’s blade, his black hair beading off raindrops. Mezmur flicked a soaked bunch of hair off her face. She stood up and turned away from Canis. “Mezmur.” “What dammit.” “Canis held up a sword. From the tip of the blade a yellow ball of energy hit Mezmur’s stomach. She vocalized the pain she was feeling and wanted more. “Fight back Mezmur!” Canis yelled. His sword sending out a green blast that brought Mezmur to the ground. She screeched in welcomed pain. The green went away leaving Mezmur with minimal energy. “You’re a failure Mezmur. A disgrace, a coward and a failure. You’re so damn pathetic you can’t even kill yourself.” Canis laughed evilly. It was that same laugh she had fallen in love with. Canis raised his sword again. Out of the night a giant black leopard pounced onto Canis with razor-sharp claws fully buried into his chest. The leopard opened its mouth or dangerous teeth and bit into Canis’s left shoulder crunching bone and injuring Canis whom teleported from the area.

The black cat turned into Kezick. “Stop saving me. I want to die.” Mezmur sounded so weak. He saw the rain diluted blood from her arm. “Who was he?” “Canis.” Mezmur hurt all over, from her cuts, from Canis’s magick, from her soul. The rain and mud helped calm her into sleep. Her mind filled with Dais. The man who disowned her when she was fourteen. Dais once cared for her, made her happy. Took her in as a daughter then cast her away, dumped her onto Canis. Kezick stuck by Mezmur’s side as she slept. Mezmur’s soul was calling out to him. He placed an empathic hand on Mezmur’s side. He felt her feelings of constant loneliness, abandonment, cold, hollow, empty, pathetic, failing. Yet underneath it all was a strength. An unbreakable something that not even she could destroy.

Kezick shook her, bringing her back from her hellacious nightmare. Mezmur looked at him blankly. Kezick hugged her. He wrapped his arms around Mezmur and she felt warmth and love seep into her body. She felt protected and safe. “What spell is this?” she asked. “It’s no spell Mezmur. It’s called a hug.” “A hug?” “Yeah, you were never hugged?” “No, and if I ever was it never felt like that.” “Canis loved you and never hugged you?” “He never loved Mezmur,” she said quietly. “He knew I needed him and was useable. That’s all.” “What do you want from me?” Mezmur asked him again. “Why?” “Nobody’s nice to me without wanting something.” “I don’t want anything.” “You lie,” Mezmur pointed out. “Tell now.” “A friend.” “Oh.” “Now what do you want?” Nobody had ever asked what she wanted and cared. “I don’t know. So many things.” She paused to think, “Love; to feel hugged all the time.” “You always were one to think of such sentimental trivial shit.” It was Canis invading her thoughts. “Canis, leave Mezmur alone.” “Love is something you’ll never have. Nobody loves Mezmur.” “Canis stop!” she pleaded internally with Canis. “Kezick doesn’t love Mezmur. Kezick thinks Mezmur’s a whore and she is. Mezmur is weak; useless...” Canis used Mezmur’s fears and thought as weapons against her.

Mezmur screeched then howled. “Get out!” she yelled loudly. “Get out of my head! Get out of my head!” “Mezmur, what’s wrong,” Kezick wanted to know as Mezmur paced. “Canis. He’s in my head, reading my thoughts, telling me things then leaving.” Mezmur yawned. She conjured up a vile of black liquid. “What is that?” Kezick asked. “Sleeping potion.” Mezmur rested the mouth of the vile on her red lips and drank its contents. Enough to have her out cold for three days. Canis still invaded her resting mind. Occasionally she’d mutter in her sleep. “Mezmur’s bad.” “Nobody loves Mezmur.” “Mezmur’s stupid.” “Mezmur’s a whore.”

When Mezmur came of her self-educed comatose state she was at Kezick’s. She was coated in dried, hard crusted cakes of dried mud and blood. “Kezick,” she called out. Hearing her call he was suddenly by her side with a cheerful, “Yo?” “I need shower; shower and clothes.” Kezick pointed to the bathroom across from Mezmur’s room. “It’s all in there.” “Thank you.” “Don’t worry about it.”

The hot water ran down Mezmur’s dirty hat and body. Old dirt and blood cam off with soap and scrubbing and disappeared swirling down the drain. She washed again and again until she finally felt clean. She stepped from the shower onto the floor. She wrapped a plush towel around her body and dried off. Her body was engulfed under a loose blue shirt with long sleeves hanging past her fingertips and a pair of baggy leather pants. The clothes were too too big on her. She altered them. She made the pants tighter and the shirt she made shorter and more fitted to her form. She kept the sleeves long; she liked how they hung past her knuckles. “Kezick, I changed your clothes a bit. I hope you don’t mind.” “Not at all. Looks good on you.” Mezmur pointed to her head with both hands. She used magick to style her hair into two purple-streaked jet-black pigtail braids. “Cute.” “Hey, no one talks about that craziness you call hair,” Mezmur retorted referring to Kezick’s blue hair that grew wildly falling all over his head. “Don’t believe what Canis tells you Mezmur, it isn’t true.” What is Kezick did love her?

Just then she crashed onto her knees. “Mezmur’s pathetic! Kezick doesn’t love you! No one does! Die Mezmur.” Those words held such power! “No Mezmur won’t die. Not now.” Mezmur remembered Kezick’s gift to her, his hug. Canis left her. “Canis?” Kezick inquired, helping Mezmur stand. “That bastard.” “I heard that.” Kezick hugged her again and Canis was gone. Kezick was giving her attention, possibly affection and he seemed to care. She always wanted to hug him. “How old are you?” Kezick asked Mezmur who was eating more cereal. “Seventeen, you?” “Twenty.” “Why are you always around when I’m in my weakest state?” “I think, it’s when you’re your weakest your soul calls its loudest and somehow I was there to hear the call.” “Thank you,” Mezmur said again. “Not a problem.” Mezmur wasn’t a problem! “Do you work?” Mezmur asked. “If you call playing guitar work.” “You’re a musician?” “No,” Kezick said loudly. “I am not a musician; I am an interpreter of sound.” “What about you?” Kezick questioned Mezmur. “I do nothing. I’ve needed to do anything. Canis and Dais did everything.” “What do you like to do?” Mezmur’s face contorted as she had to think. No one had ever cared to asked what Mezmur enjoyed doing. “I like to cut, fight and break things. Set fires and dream.” Dream covered what she dare not say: hug you, dream of you, thinking of kissing you, being around you, laughing...

Kezick had an idea! He placed his guitar in Mezmur’s arms. The guitar matched her electric blue nails. At first Mezmur observed the instrument intently, funning her hands along it and plucking the strings. Her fingers found note. Within hours chords and rhythms were made. Kezick was very impressed. Mezmur was a natural prodigy. “You are so in,” Kezick told her excitedly. Kezick spent days teaching Mezmur the songs of his band Stitches.

Mezmur learned them all and spent hours perfecting them. “Do you think they’ll like me?” Mezmur asked of the rest of Kezick’s band. “Why wouldn’t they?” “I don’t know. I just want people to like me.” “Just play guitar and they’ll love you,” Kezick smiled. Oh that smile. It was warm, bright, kind and startling. The ceramic cup in Mezmur’s hands crashed to the floor spilling grape juice on the linoleum of the kitchen. “You stupid clumsy wench! Can’t even manage holding a damn cup, how do you plan to play guitar?” Mezmur clasped her hands to ears, her fingernails digging into her head. “Mezmur’s sorry,” she apologized quickly expecting to be yelled at so she covered her ears. She felt as though she should be punished so she dug her nails deeper into her skin. “Mezmur stop, you’re hurting yourself.” Kezick snatched Mezmur’s hands from her ears. “I’m sorry. Mezmur’s used to being punished when she‘s bad. I’m sorry.” “Mez, it’s okay. Just a little spilled grape juice.” “You’re not going to yell, or hit me, or burn me or make me do some horrid chore?” “Not at all.” “I’m confused. Mezmur was bad. Mezmur made a mess but you’re not mad.” “It was an accident. Don’t worry,” Kezick told her coaxingly.

Mezmur was introduced to Amy the drummer and Loche the bassist. Mezmur, holding the blue guitar Kezick had shown her, played for Amy and Loche the whole Stitches line-up flawlessly. “She’s good Kezick,” Amy cheered. “Pretty cute too,” Loche observed with a smile. Cute? Mezmur was never cute before. “Cute Mezmur? He means you look like the easy harlot you are. He can tell by looking at you that you’re dirty and sleazy.” “Mezmur!” Kezick yelled as Mezmur became dazed. “Don’t believe it. Don’t listen.” Practice started and notes, chords, bridges and lyrics filled her mind blocking Canis out. “So Mezmur, how long have you been playing?” Loche inquired during a break. “Four days.” “Only?” “Yeah. Kezick handed it the guitar to me and it was like I understood it. It made sense to me.”

Guitar. For the longest time her guitar and Stitches was a release and source of joy. The applause from screaming Stitches fans did small wonders for her. She was still awkward. Kezick glanced over to the window which had once served as an escape chute for Mezmur. The sun was out, warm and bright. Had Mezmur ever been in the sun? Kezick had only seen her at night and days were spent practicing demanding hobbies of music and magick. As a matter of fact, Mezmur was in her room where for hours sparks and light peeking through he gap between the door and floor were his only clues to what she was doing. What was she doing? Kezick knocked on the door breaking Mezmur’s concentration. Her ribbon of fire fizzed out as she open the door. “Yeah?” “Come outside with me for a minute.” “Kezick, I’m busy.” “Mezmur, come on.” Kezick grabbed Mezmur’s wrists and pulled her out of her self-imposed exile and out into the day. Too hot! Too bright! “What the fuck is that!” she cursed in agony feeling as if skin and eyes alike were being burned by the giant fire ball in the clouds. She disappeared teleporting back to the safety of the apartment where she turned off all the lights and laid down on the cool tile of the kitchen floor.

“Mezmur, I’m sorry,” Kezick apologized. “I’m fine but what the hell was that?” “The sun.” “Make that evil thing go away.” “You’ve never seen the sun?” “I grew up in caves and under forest canopies.” “You never played outside in the sun? Like games with other kids?” “No, I did magick all day.” “Why didn’t you?” “Canis never let me.” “They wouldn’t have liked you anyway. You were too weird to be around normal people. I was often embarrassed of you. That’s why bats and animals were your only friends, Lowly Mezmur.” “Lowly Mezmur? You never loved me?” “Foolish child. How does one love the tick under his skin?” Tears came down Mezmur’s face. “Crying Mezmur? Nobody likes you. Kezick just feels sorry for you. Loche wants to sleep with you and Amy couldn’t care less. The fans just want a piece of you. Cry Mezmur.” “Why didn’t you kill me when I was younger?” “You were my guinea pig, a lab rat. You did what I told you to do and you were so stupid and easy.” “Why don’t you kill me now?” “That’s what I’m doing but dammit Mezmur, you aren’t worth killing. Squashing a bug does more good than killing pathetic weaklings.”

The fog of Mezmur’s thoughts made her feel so hazy. Trapped inside the fog. In two worlds at once. Her mind in the fog, her body in her room with a blade in her left hand. “Go ahead Mezmur. Do it. Cut too deep and do the world a favor.” Canis encouraged her as her right arm bled. Holding her bleeding arm she backed into a corner. All she could hear was Canis’s evil laugh. It wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t go away. It was driving her crazy. She screamed to overpower the mocking laugh. Kezick followed the noise. “No, no, no, no...” Mezmur repeatedly muttered hitting her head on the wall. “What’s wrong? What happened?” Kezick asked caringly, placing usually comforting hands on Mezmur’s shoulders. “Oww!” she winced. “My skin still hurts from the sun. Mezmur stood up moving away from Kezick. Kezick noticed Mezmur’s bleeding arm and saw a premonition of Mezmur tumbling out of the window to change forms and take off. “Mez, sit down.” “No, Mezmur’s leaving.” “What’s wrong?” “Let me go. Everything will be fine, Kezick. Let me end my misery, please,” Mezmur pleaded as her blade was transformed into an orange lizard. The reptile slid into Mezmur’s pocket. Mezmur bolted for the living room window; her favorite escape.

“Kezick! Let Mezmur go!” she yelled as Kezick had her in a straight jacket type hold. “No. We can’t have you dieing or in another three day coma.” “Stop! Mezmur wants to die.” Kezick pulled Mezmur to her room. The windows were locked. Nothing was sharp and the walls were padded. For hours Mezmur bounced off the walls. She belted out a loud scream. “She’s still alive, that’s good,” Kezick thought. “Kezick! The second I get out of this room I am going to kick your-ouch!” Something in her pocket had bit her! “Hey, don’t bite Mezmur!” she reprimanded to the orange lizard pulling him from her pocket by his tail. “Sorry.” “It’s okay.” “I am talking to a lizard,” Mezmur thought as she talked to her new pet that she named FlameBlade. “Quite pathetic.” “Shut up.” “Finally fighting back now are we?” “Get out of my head, Canis.”

Mezmur was bored out of her mind. “Let me out,” she shrieked kicking the door. “Calm down Mezmur.” “Screw yourself Kezick. Open the door!” “Sorry, not yet.” Kezick knew she was still a threat to herself. “Fine,” she huffed. She had tried being civil now it was time to get herself out. Mezmur, in her silver and purple wolf form, clawed at the door. She stood in elfin form and kicked quite forcefully at Kezick’s face. “Don’t ever do that again.” “Don’t give me a reason to.” “I’m gone.” Mezmur stormed away. She stopped at her window. Yellow light poured in. She pointed to herself and was now in long sleeves and pants with sunglasses to protect her eyes. She escaped running as fast as she could. She only wanted a cave. Drawn to her forest she ran deeper under the forest canopy. She slipped into a deserted cave and hid from the sun. The cave was dark, too dark for even elves to see. A glowing FlameBlade emitted a soft orange light. “How’d you get here?” “I rode on your shoe.” “Can you turn back into a blade?” “No,” responded Kezick and not her little lizard. “Leave Mezmur alone,” she fussed. “Can’t do that. I’m concerned.” “Why?” “I, Mezmur you’re sick. You try to kill yourself and people care Mez and-” “I’m not sick.” “Then what are you?” “I’m depressed, psychotic-” “They have people who can help.” “Nobody can help. Mezmur’s hopeless.”

“Cry weak little Mezmur,” Canis’s voice filled her brain. Kezick hugged her close to him. She was shuttering in his arms, her tears falling in streams. “Weak little orphaned girl, see how he pities you.” “What is it Mezmur?” Kezick asked as she cried more. “People pity me. You pity me.” “No I don’t, I care. I feel sorry for you and I wish you felt better but I don’t pity you.” “I’m so weak and pathetic. Kezick let me go.” “I can’t Mezmur. You’re needed too much. Stitches needs the guitar and vocals. FlameBlade needs you and you can’t make me live alone in the apartment again.” So confused. So conflicted. Mezmur’s heart raced. She wanted so badly for Kezick to love her now more than ever before. She remembered being pushed off.

Kezick held Mezmur so warmly. He wanted to have her forever in his arms. She loved hugs and was so warm. Mezmur couldn’t stand this anymore, being so close to Kezick. Her blood red lips sweetly kissed Kezick’s anxious lips. He held her at her hips that swelled curvatiously. Mezmur kissed Kezick’s neck and realized that simply kissing Kezick meant more than fucking Canis or What’s-his-name-random-guy ever could. “Being the whore to anything with a pulse. It’s only a matter of time before he pushes you off again.” “Canis, show yourself. Be the man you claim to be and face me with swords,” Mezmur issued the challenge. “Let’s do this,” Canis teased standing at the mouth of the cave. “I’ll do it Mez, can you even handle him?” Kezick asked holding her waist still. “Don’t underestimate me Kezick.” Mezmur conjured her sword and twirled it around. “Promise you’ll come back to me.” Mezmur sealed her promise with a kiss. Sword in hand Mezmur stood before Canis ready to fight. “You have a death wish.” “No Canis, I’m just ready to kick your ass. You don’t scare Mezmur anymore.” Savagely, almost murderously, her poisoned blade slid into Canis’s torso. The magick poison turned to maggots. She pulled her sword out and Canis looked stunned. Inside his body maggots were rapidly eating him alive, growing and multiplying. “What did you do to him?” Kezick demanded as nothing but wiggling maggots was left. “What he taught me to do; don’t waste time playing around, go straight for the kill.” “Now Canis can’t bother Mezmur!” Mezmur glowed; literally, she was emitting irredescent shimmer. “Why did you not kill him before?” “I was too weak.” “You were always strong, that why you never died. You couldn’t die,” Kezick whispered, holding Mezmur in is arms. “Mezmur loves Kezick,” she sighed dreamily. “Kezick loves Mezmur.” Mezmur’s glow intensified. “Is Mezmur happy now?” She answered him with a kiss. Mezmur loves Kezick.