A BLACKFLY'S SINGLES' AD

          At this time of year, when we are once again plagued by voracious blackflies, have you ever wondered what they think about? Can a blackfly entertain any thoughts other than where his next meal is coming from? Could a blackfly crave companionship? Is it possible for a blackfly to feel lonely? How would a self-respecting blackfly find his soul mate? If it was possible for blackflies to reason and to read, perhaps an unattached self-aware blackfly would choose to utilize a singles' ad. To succeed, he would need a newspaper.

          Just consider this possibility: a newspaper for wildlife that contains articles pertaining to animals. There would be local and national news articles with the usual headlines:'Moose interrupts highway traffic', 'deer sought in hit and run', 'Beaver floods bridge again', 'Squirrels evicted from housing project', and 'Geese ready to head south'. This paper would of course also contain advertisements and photos, but more importantly, there would be singles ads. This would appeal to a blackfly, an insect that would attempt a pro-active, self-help approach. The following could be typical in that paper.

          SMBGBF---Single, Male, Bloody Great, Blackfly seeks to meet an equally unattached female blackfly who is comfortable in her own body and self-aware of her needs and appetites. (A healthy appetite is in fact a real turn-on.) My dream girl must be eager and willing to flit here and there, on the spur of the moment. Ideally, she possesses unlimited stamina to keep up with me---I am a busy bug, I don't just lie around. The girl for me must be simple and uncomplicated: literally no baggage will be tolerated. We will be travelling spontaneously wherever our flights of fancy take us. I am not into conversation or self-examination, I am what I am. Although I occasionally eavesdrop, I'm not into gossip. I would really appreciate a like-minded partner. The ideal candidate must be non-judgemental and non-discriminatory.-I really do like anyone and everything. My tastes are all-encompassing and hers should be the same. I am drawn to a pulse and the rush of warm blood,( not mandatory in a soul mate). My ideal climate is neither too hot or too cold, I'm a spring kind of guy. I love water. My perfect gal must be comfortable indoors or out, although a wooded area is my favourite locale,(next to a beach).

         TURN-ONS: BLOOD!, water...ooh! I love the beach, warm rainy days, did I mention blood?, the forest---greenery and trees, the smell of fresh blueberries, wet people(blood donors), large moose( guaranteed great and filling meal!), the colour blue, the feel of bare skin, perfumes.

         TURN-OFFS: DEET...definitely Deet!, screens..(on windows, doors, and people), sudden loud clapping, swatting of any kind, hot weather, winter and the cold, strong winds, mosquitoes--they're the competition.

         In Summary: I wish to meet that 'some bug' that is out there , somewhere, ...that one in a million. Constantly buzzing around and hunting for my next meal can be very lonely. Often, I am shooed away and attempts are made to repel me. It's an every bug for himself type of existence. I hunger for so much more! Just once I'd like to experience an unhurried buffet with that one special blackfly. That ideal first date would be at a beach, at dusk. The light on the water at that time of day is simply breathtaking. We could relax and get to know each other over an unlimited variety of equally relaxed prey. No reservations are required and the atmosphere is pretty casual. Talk would not be necessary or even sought. Our shared interest in a satisfying meal is all that we would need. We could become blood buddies. 608 words