A Tough Lesson For The Heart

“You learned to run from what you feel, and that's why you have nightmares. To deny is to invite madness. To accept is to control.”
― Megan Chance, The Spiritualist
Running away Is something I'm very good at. When I'm frightened or when I don't want to get hurt I run and I hide. Unfortunately it has become a bad habit that I tend to use more often than not. What's sad about my situation is the fact that I ran from a really good guy. A man who gave me true moments of clarity when I was with him and even when I was away from him. The scary thing about him was the fact he wanted to move faster than I was comfortable with. He wanted a physical relationship that went beyond hugging and kissing, but I just wasn't ready for that step yet. I tried to convince myself to go through with it just because I knew it would make him happy. You see the selfless part of me believed by making him happy I would feel the same in return. Yet deep down that small selfish part of me knew that I wouldn't feel that way. So I ran to my best friend's wide open arms and hid in safety out of sight from the one person who actually made me feel alive. I knew my friend wouldn't hurt me or rush me in anything I didn't feel right doing, because in a way he was like a safety net or a security blanket. I knew that by running away from the unknown I gave up passion and the possibility of true happiness for comfort and predictability. By trying to avoided heartache I inadvertently hurt myself in the end. Lately I have been contemplating the fact that my thoughts stray to him no matter what it is I'm doing. I tend to remember little things about him for example he would tell me about how he enjoyed fixing things or the fact that we both enjoyed fishing. How he couldn't have oranges and he liked bread pudding for desert, as well as how he told me he liked mashed potatoes and meatloaf as a favorite meal. When I was with him my thoughts used to run away with me conjuring an ideal future together. Even though I hadn't known him long my imagination would take over completely and create images in my head that would send butterflies to my stomach, sadly I was always afraid that if I told him what I was really thinking it would scare him away. Unfortunately I didn't always have such pretty thoughts running through my head, but thoughts of my past reminding me that I wasn't good enough for such a wonderful man. The fact that he was way to good for someone as broken as I am was the final breaking point coupled with the many insecurities I still harbor that led to my running away. I have come to realize that by not loving myself I couldn't bring myself to truly let go and love him the way he needed, and I am slowly working on trying to learn how to love myself so someday I can be confident in a relationship. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never have him back for I know I ruined any chance I had with him by doing what I did. I just hope that more people will do what I didn't have the courage to do and that is to take the dive at true happiness. Never run away from your problems and always face them head on. Just remember when you run away you miss out on new experiences. I can guarantee that you will miss things like five in the morning phone calls and late night texting conversations. Don't close yourself off and don't always chose the path that seems the safest you may come to regret it.
~SilverEyedOwl