MAY 24

MAY 24, ( two four ), WEEKEND                                                                                                                                  

         Finally, May is here; the month that Canadians have been anticipating; the month with our first "real" long weekend of yard sales, camping, cottaging, and boating. This is the weekend fondly known as May 24, ( not twenty-four, but "two four"), even though this Victoria Day celebration doesn't always actually occur on this date. The weekend that heralds twenty-four weeks of our other season: road construction.                                                                                                                        

         It's expected to be the start of "nicer" weather; Canadian for "snow-free". Perverse odds are that at least 2 out of the 4 days of this weekend, (yes, many Canadians stretch it into 4 days), will see snow, rain, or both. My first camping memory is of my family awakening to our new green and yellow-striped tent smothered by snow. Dirt and leaves had been on Mom's list of things not to track into the tent. For our first long May weekend of roughing it, the probable temperature of -24 degrees Fahrenheit was such a surprise. We weren't supposed to need toques, mitts, and snowshoes. On the other shivering hand, the blackflies and mosquitoes were easy to spot in their hats and scarves.                              

         Usually, this is the start of bug season. It's an expected Spring rite of passage or a toll if you will. Our cost to bare skin and shed heavy clothing, to wander through the great outdoors of non-winter, is merely a pound of flesh. I believe 2:4 represents the speed at which blackflies sting; two bites every four seconds. Each voracious blackfly likely gorges itself on two litres of our blood per four-hour period. I don't think it unreasonable to limit the blackfly season to twenty-four hours. Perhaps our endurance could be buoyed by a blackfly-penalty system; 2 less of them for every 4 bites. What about a blackfly bounty, a straight trade: a two four of beer, a Canadian case, for every twenty-four dead blackflies?                    

         Since this is just wishful thinking on my part, I must resort to good ol' Canadian practicality. The best defence is a good offence. An acceptable bug-repellent ratio is two people per four spray bottles. Approximately, two out of four Canadians will light and sit around a campfire this May 24 weekend. Tearing eyes, coughing, and blurred silhouettes do not repel determined insects.                                                  

         That's what Canadians are the Victoria Day weekend, determined. Well, probably, two out of four of us are determined to escape to the great thawed outdoors. We want to golf and garden. We want to boat and bait hooks. We want to cottage and camp. This means road trips, and since almost everyone, and their brother, has decided to travel via vehicle, the highways become clogged. How appropriate that the May 24, (remember "two four"), weekend travel often requires an extra two to four hours of extended family togetherness: breathing on each other, daring to look at each other, possibly speaking to each other: maybe two to four times as many disagreements?                                        

         In my family, I was the eldest. We had two dogs and four kids. Remember the convoluted math equations that began: a train leaves Ottawa at 9:00 a.m. and another train departs Toronto at noon hour, so, when will they crash into, (or is it meet), each other? There were always variables of speed, number of passengers, scheduled stops, and whatever added to the problem. My family's "math equation" would resemble the following. If a family sedan, stuffed with two adults, four kids, and two dogs, towing a camper trailer, leaves Cambridge, Ontario at 6:00 p.m., finally after Dad readjusts the mirrors over and over, when will it arrive in Sundridge, Ontario? The speed limit is a moot factor because it was rarely maintained for a continuous block of time. Our vexing variables would include a car tire that exploded on Highway 401 and a search, in the ditch, for the missing fender skirt. Valuable time was lost to emptying the trunk in order to free the spare tire, the jack, and the tire-iron. Another glitch involved a dog that jumped out of an open window while we idled for a very long passing train. Did I mention we were in the car closest to the train tracks with many impatient drivers behind us? During one memorable trip, our car-sick dog upchucked on my brother. He finished the ride clad only in his underwear because my father had learned to stow the spare tire on top of the suitcases of clothing.Don't worry, my brother lived to exact a revenge. He "forgot" about a container of earthworms he'd left in a stiflingly hot panel van.                                                                                                    

         May 24 ushers in the warm-weather accidents. What a coincidence that it was a two-hour round trip drive from our Sundridge campsite to the North Bay emergency room where, we'd wait, on average, four hours. It's conceivable that we experienced two "incidents" every four days. Of course, they didn't always need emergency treatment. It's amazing how you can make "do" with two to four bandages.                                                                                                                                  

         Fast forward several years to a May 24 weekend of camping with my hubby, three kids, and three dogs. We survived a storm that uprooted tents, a bite from a panicked pooch, and the near, unintentional, scalping of a family friend at the hands of my eldest daughter. Unsupervised kids plus a swinging baseball bat equal one horrific head wound. There certainly were stitches; maybe as many as twenty-four.                                                                                                                                  

         So, in keeping with family tradition, I plan to be camping this May Two-Four Weekend. I have twenty-four plus years of experience under my figurative belt and a new campsite to personalize. Many of my campground neighbours seem to follow the two-four method of site enhancement; two thingamajigs/whatchamacallits for every four inches of space. I have one sun catcher/wind chime, two decorative garden stakes, one metal/stone snail, and a handful of painted rocks. If I even hope to aspire to at least a lived-in look for my trailer, I need to browse some "two for" sales. I don't think twenty-four solar-powered "somethings" is extravagant. (Especially, in light of my accident record.)                                        

         Happy May Two Four Weekend! Just remember that if you choose to travel at this particular time you must share the roadways. Our wildlife will also be on the move. Generally, there are two moose for every four vehicles full of people, pulled over onto the shoulder, to gawk at them.