A Brush with the Law

The Keenly Observed Adventures of Wide Sergeant

1. A Brush with the Law

(1963 words)

Wide Sergeant, as was his custom on any given day as befits an ex military man, rose at 6am ready to start the day. He washed, shaved, brushed his little toothy pegs, combed his few remaining strands of hair into some sort of submission; two forward, three back, did some things on the toilet - the details of which are thankfully not required to move the story along  - then made his way downstairs for breakfast.
Arriving in the kitchen his nose detected the welcoming aroma of bacon, toast and tea and his eyes perceived a figure at the stove busily bringing all three to a simultaneously delicious conclusion.

A second figure was already seated at the table. Wide Sergeant greeted both and sat himself down at the head. The cook, who was called Gardener Brown, placed the breakfast things on the table and took his seat. All three tucked in and began munching happily. After a few minutes Wide Sergeant addressed his friends.

"So today is the first in our new business venture, let's raise our teacups in a toast to the Extraordinarily Fine Painting & Decorating Co. Ltd."

They saluted the Extraordinarily Fine Painting & Decorating Co. Ltd and continued their repast.

"You don't think the name is a little long or overly grand do you?" asked Olive Drab, who made up the final third of the breakfast party.

"Nonsense" answered Wide Sergeant gruffly, "Perfect name, sums us up to a tee"
"What do you think?" he turned to Gardener Brown.

"Well I think it's a good name but my only reservation is that none of us have any actual experience in painting and decorating, which on the face of it could present a problem."

"Oh don't you worry about that" said Wide Sergeant airily, "Easiest thing in the world painting a wall you know, couldn't be simpler. Just you leave it to me, we'll make a fortune and we have our first job already lined up."

Olive Drab looked a little pensive "I know", she said, "Painting the Police Station. You don't think it might be a bit too big for our first job."

"It's only white washing the prison cell walls Olive, absolute doddle, just trust me."

With that Wide Sergeant rose and marshalled his troops in the washing up of their breakfast things. After the kitchen was made spick and span they made their way to the van parked outside. After checking the van contained the paint, buckets, overalls and ladders that they needed, Olive jumped into the driving seat and they set off for the Station.

On arrival a Policeman showed them the cells they were to paint and explained that the station would be largely empty that day as there was to be a big parade in town that afternoon in which the whole force was taking part. The culmination of which was their Chief Constable riding his magnificent horse at the head of the parade leading the procession right through the centre of town, no doubt to the ringing cheers of the gathered throng.

After they were left alone the three friends headed back to the van to put on their overalls and gather the other items needed for the job.

"See what I told you" said Wide Sergeant with a triumphant smile, "It's going to be easy."

Even Olive Drab looked quite positive. "Yes", she agreed. "It doesn't seem like a very hard job after all."

Gardener Brown was rummaging around in the back of the van; he turned to his friends with a worried look on his face.

"I can't find any brushes, did anyone remember to put brushes on the list when we went shopping yesterday?"

"Brushes?" Wide Sergeant looked a little disconcerted and the triumphant gleam left his eye. "Brushes you say" he looked thoughtful as he twirled his moustache.

"Brushes?" said Olive, a little non-plussed, as though the concept of a brush was something that had never even occurred to her before.

"Yes, yes, brushes" said Gardener Brown "You know, short handled wooden implements with bristles on the end, used for painting and such like. Have we got any brushes is my question?"

Wide Sergeant quickly recovered his composure, "I think the short answer to that is no, but it is a problem easily solved, we just nip into town and buy some brushes."

"Hmm not that simple actually", said Olive Drab, "Remember it's the town parade today, all the shops are shut for the holiday."

"Oh wonderful," moaned Gardener Brown, "Our first job and we've no brushes to paint with. What a glorious bunch of chumps we'll look when they get back to find no walls painted because the painting firm forgot their brushes. We're ruined, it's the end", he wailed.

Wide Sergeant clapped him on the shoulder

"Pull yourself together man and you Olive" whom he had noticed had developed a decidedly wobbly bottom lip. "We're not finished yet, if we can't buy brushes then we'll simply have to make some. Let's have a scout around and see what we can find, come on."

After half an hours searching they looked at what they had collected.

"The best things we have are these three table tennis bats" said Wide Sergeant.

Gardener Brown and Olive Drab looked mightily uncertain.

"At least they look a little brush like, problem is no bristles and that's a pretty important element in any brush, there must be something we can find to make bristles."

They were standing in the police station courtyard looking at the bats and scratching their heads when they heard a noise that all made them lift their eyes in unison and look directly at the source. Across the yard to their left was a horse stable and the noise they heard confirmed that the place was currently occupied.

"Of course, exclaimed Wide Sergeant, "Absolutely perfect, that must be the Chief Constable's horse. Horse hair will make excellent bristles for our brushes, just need to collect some and glue them on."

They made their way across the courtyard and peering into the stable they all stared in wonderment at the massive, proud looking animal with a long groomed tail and platted mane, ready to take his place of honour in the upcoming parade.

"Big isn't he?" whispered Gardener Brown, "Just how do you propose we get enough hair to make three brushes worth?"

"Quite simple, I'll hold the head end and you go round the back and snip off some hair", ordered Wide Sergeant.

"I don't like the look of the back end," said Gardener Brown " Those legs are huge, what if it kicks me whilst I'm snipping? It might not like us cutting its tail"

"What should I do?" asked Olive Drab

"Try and distract it so that it doesn't know what's going on at the rear end, suggested Wide Sergeant.

"How exactly do I distract a half tonne horse? Olive was puzzled.

"Use yer bonce Olive", Wide Sergeant was eager to get going. "Come on let's get it done, in and out".

The three entered the stable and took up their allotted positions. Fortunately the horse was wonderfully docile and while Wide Sergeant held the head collar, Olive stroked his mane and made gentle cooing noises to keep him calm, Gardener Brown moved tentatively to the rear and began to cut.

After a couple of minutes Wide sergeant spoke.

"Are you done yet?"

Gardener Brown's head emerged from around the huge animal's rear flank; he was sweating and rather red in the face.

"I've cut lots of hair off but I can't make it even, every time I cut it looks all lopsided, so
I cut some more but it still looks odd, come and look."

"We're not in a hair dressing contest, Sweeny Todd", barked Wide Sergeant, " Just cut enough to make three brush-fulls and let's get out of here!"

"Well alright I've cut plenty but it does look awfully strange and stumpy now, someone's bound to notice."

"Never mind, let's just get out of here and get painting before anyone comes back." Wide Sergeant was in a hurry.  With armfuls of freshly cut horse hair and not forgetting to thank the animal for his both good nature and contribution to the cause, they left the stable and got busy with the glue pot to construct their make shift brushes.

Two hours later the cell walls were gleaming with fresh white paint. The three friends equally paint splattered but greatly relieved to have finished, looked with pride at their handiwork.

"A fine job chaps," said Wide Sergeant

"Nice, even finish" said Olive Drab

"I can hear voices," said Gardener Brown

Outside in the courtyard several raised voices could be heard. As they were busily packing up their things, the policeman from earlier burst into the cells and exclaimed;

"Something dreadful has happened to the Chief Constable's horse, his tail has been butchered into a straggly stump!"

"Oh I'd hardly say butch..." Gardner Brown indignantly started to say, but was cut abruptly short by Wide Sergeant.

"Horse you say, tail cut? Well we don't know anything about that as we've been here all morning busily painting, as you can see." He gestured proudly to the newly painted walls.

"Oh yes of course," the policeman was clearly distracted. "What am I going to tell the Chief, he'll go berserk when he see's his horse. Are you sure you didn't see or hear anything?" he asked suddenly suspicious.
The three friends all talked at once. "No not us." Painting all morning you know." "Just got on with the job." "Not heard or seen a sole."

Whilst they were babbling in this manner Wide Sergeant was busily packing their things away into a tea chest, peering over his shoulder the policeman noticed one of the brushes sticking out.

"That's a funny looking brush," he said, nodding his head towards the chest.

"Special brush, imported from Malaysia, best in the world but very unusual design, only available to the trade you understand." Wide Sergeant put his arm around the policeman's shoulder and steered him towards the cell door, gesticulating to the others behind him to quickly stash the remaining stuff into the chest. "Now let's have a look at that horse of yours and see if we can do anything to save the Chief Constable's pride."

Standing in the stable they all looked at the horses rather pitiful rear end, the once proud tail had indeed been hacked into an uneven stump, somewhat resembling a black hedgehog that had lost interest in it's profession and really let itself go.

"Good grief!" exclaimed Wide Sergeant, staring pointedly at Gardener Brown, who could only hang his head in embarrassed shame, "I had no idea it was this bad, we must do something or this noble beast and his proud owner will be the laughing stock of the parade."

"That's all very well," said the policeman ruefully shaking his head, " but it's not going to grow back in the next hour is it and we've no way of disguising this mess in so short a time, the whole thing's hopeless."

At that moment Olive Drab took off her painters cap, shook out her long dark, radiant hair and looked at Wide Sergeant with a resigned and martyred air. Wide Seargeant stared back at her, then walked across and gave her an enormous hug.

"My dear," he said in wonderment, "You've saved the day. Now where are the scissors and glue pot?"



That afternoon the sun shone and the parade was a marvellous success. The crowds cheered as the cavalcade made it's way down the High Street with the magnificent beast and uniformed rider at its head.  Many commented on how well the horse had been turned out and particular mention was made of his wonderfully thick and lustrous tail.

After attending the parade the friends made their way home and once indoors Olive Drab slumped down onto the kitchen chair and ran her fingers sadly through her chopped locks, "After all today's goings -on I think I deserve a bag of toffees," she sighed

"Never mind toffees" said Wide Sergeant, "I think that what we really need are several pints of bitter beer and I'm buying"

Gardener Brown and Olive Drab said nothing, but their collective smiles were answer enough.

THE END