Letters about Frank the Dog

         Dear Mr Geoffrey,

         I am extremely sorry for your loss. I know Frank was a true friend to you and a loyal pet, his passing away was a tragedy to us all.
         I have recently heard a very strange story from the lovely old lady from round the corner, Mrs Tiller. She told me that your dog actually spoke to her. Now, I just naturally passed this off as a result of her old age. She really is ancient.
         I know that you have not been able to procure the body of Frank and so I have enclosed in this letter, a poem. It is entitled '4 Feet Under'.
         I just wanted to inform you that I also had a run in with Frank. This encounter made me reconsider what Mrs Tiller told me. I was extremely worried for the dog and its health, actually. Could you please explain to me how your dog acquired the skills to talk and interact with humans on an intelligent level? Please don't tell me that it was the same radiation that affected that Jack Marton fellow. The fat man with all of the comic books. The one who evaporated in front of everyone on the high street.
         Anyway, I don't want to pry at a time like this, you must be grieving. I only wanted to warn you that if you were performing experiments on Frank, I will have the Police, the RSPCA and the Vet from town on you like a pack of wolves.
         I hope you recover from your grievances as soon as possible,
         Regards,
         Darren Pinklesworth

         P.S. You owe me fifty pounds from the night out last week, which you probably cannot recall very well, as you were smashed. But that's another story...