Untitled

CHAPTER 1

Jack woke with a start and sat straight up in bed. Large beads of sweat already had formed on his forehead and began rolling down his face, being pulled by gravity towards his bed sheets. He panted hysterically as he struggled to find his way to full consciousness. The room was nearly pitch black making it harder for him to gauge his surroundings. His dream perceptions began to fade into reality and he realized that he was in fact safe in bed. A woman lay next to him, half covered with sheets. Her naked torso visible to him as she shifted to find a more comfortable position. She was much younger, long golden hair tangled about her slumbering face and young, pert breasts heaved with each breath. He sat and listened to the calmness of her breathing and marveling at how peaceful she seemed in that moment. He could feel the soft comforts of the sheets enveloping him but despite this his body ached all over. His head pounded and his aging muscles screamed at him ever wanting relief but never finding it.

"My God" he thought to himself as he buried his head in his hands. "This is the third time this week. I really need to figure this out soon so I can get some sleep." Even when he did sleep through the night it was never the type of deep, lumbering sleep that recharges the body and mind. He felt exhausted as he swung his legs to the side of the bed and stood up. He slowly walked towards the bathroom almost losing his balance once or twice in the process. He turned on the faucet and ran his hands under the cold water and splashed some on his face. He could feel the rough stubble of his unshaved face against the palms of his hands. The cold water chased the last ounces of sleep from his mind and he was suddenly thinking clearly again. Looking up at his reflection in the mirror, he shook his head at what he saw. A shell of a man, deep sunken eyes with dark bags under them and wrinkles everywhere he looked. He touched and pushed at them as if to try and put them back in place where they belonged. He ran his still damp hands through his short, dark hair speckled with grey. He felt the gravity of his humanity and recognized the fact that he was only getting older and his young, invincible days were behind him now. The flickering glow from the cheap hotel bathroom light didn't help the situation much. It set a gloomy tone, washing everything about it with a yellow haze. He sat on the toilet and hung his head. The feelings of despair began to creep slowly back into his mind and he shook his head furiously, the way a dog shakes water from its fur. It didn't help, it never does, but like the dog habitual habits are hard to break.

Returning to the bedroom, Jack found his clothes, and hers, scattered all over the room. Empty beer bottles littered the end tables and used condoms left signs of quite an eventful night. "This would be a lot more fun if I could actually remember all the details of what happened" he thought to himself. Blurred memories of the nights activities begin to form in his mind. A bar, the girl sitting and looking at him, the liquor store, driving around in his car recklessly, the hotel, her laugh and her wicked smile as she began to strip for him... and dammit not much else after that. He thought to wake her and give it another go for good times sake. "Nah" he thought, "I am no good sober anyway, probably couldn't even keep it up." So he quietly gathered his things and got dressed, stuffed some money in an envelope and left it on the TV stand. He walked out into the cold, dark night. His thin jacket proved to be a poor barrier from the cold, sharp air. It bit at him and felt as if it dug all the way to the bone. He folded his arms tight to his body and quickened his pace. Street lights were the only thing casting light on the otherwise cold, dark, barren wasteland of a town that surrounded him. "Jesus, I must be crazy! I am the only one dumb enough to be out at this hour, in this weather." passed through his mind. He picked up the pace even faster now almost to a full run, his body subconsciously telling him to move his ass or freeze to death were he stood. He crossed streets and yards and back alleys trying to make the straightest line as he could.

Finally he reached his destination, an upper middle class neighborhood. Streets lined with white picket fences, houses with painted wood siding and gingerbread shutters. Large oak trees stood tall and proud in park strips, their large overhanging branches covering street and yard alike. Tire swings hung from branches and tree houses proudly called the massive branches home. He came to his street and slowed his pace to a walk. Down the sidewalk he headed until he came to a familiar fence gate. One he had crafted with his own hands and painted carefully and with a high level of craft. He looked up the walkway to the steps and porch and door. He paused and sighed a long and deep sigh. He knew he had to flip that switch, the one that took him from a world of booze and cheap sex and feeling alive to one of children and responsibilities and work. He reached his hands into his pockets and searched for any incriminating evidence. This was his last chance to cover his tracks, remain anonymous before stepping past that magical gate that would change him into a completely different person. Not change him inside but on the surface. A mask of sorts, an impression of what a middle aged, responsible father and husband should be. What everyone in his life expected him to be. "Good bye Mr. Hyde, hello Dr. Jekyll" he said to himself as he unlatched the gate and made that long walk up to his front door.

Jake woke again, this time to the sound of his wife's soft voice and the feel of her hand on his bare arm. "Jake, honey it's time to get up" she said as she kissed him on the cheek. "I know, I know" Jake groaned as he rolled away from her and hid under a pillow refusing, at least for a few more minutes, to face the day ahead of him. "What time did you get in?" His wife asked him as she fastened her bra and walked towards the closet to dress herself. "Oh, probably sometime around 2 or 3 I guess" Jake mumbled under his pillow. "Well, I still think that is ridiculous how they make you work such late hours you know." Jake threw the pillow aside and tried to control his temper but still yelled a bit in response. "We have been over this a million times! I have a deadline and come hell or high water I have to get it done. There is nothing I can do about it!" "You can find a new job" she said back in a snarky tone. "Yeah, easier said than done and in this economy you should be happy I am working at all." As he said this a feeling came over him that he had this exact conversation with her a million times before. And now, a million and one he thought to himself. He could feel anger and despair rising inside of him. When would he catch a break? When would the barrage of attacking questions and comments cease? These questions and more rolled around his head as he went through his morning routine.

He sat in his car waiting for it to warm up and thinking about the four hundred and fifty dollar payments he was making per month on it and how for that much money it should be a much nicer car. One with automatic defrost at least. He drove his half hour commute that he had driven so many times before that he could just zone out and go into autopilot mode and get there just fine. This was his thinking time. He thought about the previous night and the girl from the agency. She was by far his favorite. She was young and new enough to the trade that she was still energetic and fun, not to mention tight as hell. He thought of her smile and her smell and the feel of her touch and the passion with which she kissed. It was the only thing that made him feel alive. The rest of the time it was auto pilot. Might as well be a fucking robot doing the same boring shit day after day, no end in sight. Thinking over her made him feel young and strong and attractive. Sex was his vice, other people get hooked on alcohol or drugs but for him it was the touch of a young, attractive woman. Knowing she was all his, he could do anything he wanted with her and he often did. Sex isn't as messy as drugs or alcohol. It could be covered up easier and for him the highs were just as high. He wondered when the next time would be. How long it would take for the stress and the responsibility and anxiety to mount and for him to reach his next breaking point. When would he need to be baptized by the flesh again and have all his worries washed away by one night of complete ecstasy. Sometimes it would be a week, other times longer like a month or more. When the wife was being particularly snoopy he could white knuckle it for 3 months or more but eventually he would hit a wall and there is nothing stopping him from his next fix.

He thought of other things as well, contemplating the work day ahead and his coworkers. His thoughts centered particularly on one specific coworker especially. Tina and him had a close connection. Probably closer than coworkers should have. He wondered what those he worked with thought of him and her and the open affection they show for one another. He wondered what her plans for the day were, how much time he would get to spend with her. Would she decide to have a drink with him after work.

Pulling into the parking lot his anxiety grew. He parked and sat in his car knowing that his next actions would have consequences and he wondered if he was prepared to meet them head on. What disaster would he have to fix today? How many people would be fighting for his attention? Was he ready to start piling on the stress associated with it? How would he cope?
He sat in his office and started the process of trying to answer an endless amount of emails that flooded his inbox. His door was cracked a bit and he could hear a young intern speaking on the phone just outside his office. "You wouldn't believe it man this place is amazing! So much scattered ass you can't miss man." His interest was piqued and he went and stood by the door to get a better listen. "Yeah man I met this girl and she was so fucking hot! Tight ass, long legs and tits so perky it's like they sat on a shelf. I took her home and fucked the shit out of her man. It was the best lay of my life!" His head swam as he walked back to his desk. Living vicariously through younger, more attractive men and their conquests was a hobby of his. He sat and thought about the two young, attractive bodies entwined. Sweat glistened skin, panting and moaning with a shared pleasure. Soon the younger, more attractive intern morphed into a vision of him and her. He wanted to be a part of something like that so bad it ached in his bones. To have a woman like that, one he wasn't paying, one who wanted him with no strings attached. One that craved his flesh as much as he did hers. He reached down under his desk and began to gently finger his rapidly hardening erection. His eyes closed and his pulse quickening. Suddenly the phone rang and instantly he was snapped back to reality. He picked up and it was Tina on the other side. Her sweet, soft southern drawl dripped like honey through the receiver. He loved the sound of it. It made her seem so exotic like a rare gem he was in awe if her. "Just checkin' to see if you are in yet. How was your weekend?" she inquired. "Oh, you know the same boring bullshit that I always do." He always tried to play down the particulars of his life to her but she knew better. "Oh come on man I know you're bluffing. I want to hear every gory detail." "Maybe after work, do you want to grab a drink with me?"

They sat at the bar on stools positioned closer together than would be socially acceptable for strangers. They enjoyed each other's company and didn't mind a close proximity to one another. Besides the topic of conversation wasn't one that could be comfortably telegraphed all over the bar. The bar tender was young and beautiful and wore a shirt that seemed two sizes too small for her baring her flat mid drift and plentiful cleavage. He couldn't help but stare at her every time she would bend over the sink to clean the used glasses. Tina, noticing this just shook her head and said, "Jesus man she is young enough to be your daughter." He just grinned a large grin and replied, "yeah so what if she is." He could tell she was a little bit jealous, she wanted him focused on her and only her. She would always take her time to put on lipstick and do herself up when they went for drinks. He appreciated it but didn't understand if it was for him or if it was just what good southern girls do before going out. After a few glasses of chardonnay she would start to flirt with everyone and anyone she could. But she was with him and everyone could tell that and it gave him a strange sense of pride to be there with the most attractive woman in the bar. She was beautiful with straight dark hair that hung to her shoulders, skinny but athletic and her eyes were intense. He would make eye contact with her when he could but would have to look away because she had the type of eyes you could get lost in. When he dared to keep eye contact longer than usual her words would fade away and he would be stuck there in that moment as if his soul was bare to her and to the world. Two steins of beer downed and multiple glasses of wine consumed and her red lipstick on the glass, things would get interesting between them. The sexual chemistry was there and they towed the line but knew what a bad idea it would be to cross. They had a mutual respect for each other and shared their deepest and darkest secrets. "That motherfucker..." she started and he instantly wondered which of the men in her life was she referring to this time. It seemed like they were all motherfuckers hell bent on making her life miserable. He didn't mind listening, in fact he felt privileged that she trusted him with such information. This time it happened to be her lover and not her husband. He had done something or rather had forgotten to do something and the drama ensued. It felt good to hear about other people's drama. It was theirs and not yours so you could lend a supportive ear and then let it go. Personal drama was the kind to avoid and Jack had plenty of his own but chose not to dwell on it too much. "Hey have you ever heard of a club called Gino's?" he cut her off mid-sentence. "No, why?" she asked. "Well you know Josh the intern right?" "You're fucking right I do! How could I miss him? He is the only attractive male we work with." Jake chuckled, "well I overheard him talking on his phone today and he mentioned this club Gino's and the way he was talking about it made me really want to go and check it out. Maybe this weekend even." "Well you know I make a great wingman right?" She replied "So count me in but wouldn't that be really weird if we ran into Josh?" "Yes it would but I know for a fact that he will be going out to the casinos this weekend. He told me all about it at lunch today." "Well alight then, this weekend it is!" She proclaimed as she stood and put on her coat, struggling with the buttons at first but then catching her stride. He walked her to her car as he always did as a sign of trying to be a gentleman but in the back of his head hoping that one of these time they would share a kiss. He settled for a nice, friendly type of hug and they both went their separate ways.

He drove home on empty, dark streets. The glow from the instrument panel cast an eerie green and blue reflection. The street lights whizzed by overhead in a blur. He still had his buzz and that gave everything around him a softer edge. Music played loud as he got on the freeway and opened it up. The faster he went the faster he could feel his heart pound in his chest. Anything to remind him that he was in fact alive. As he swerved in and out of lanes the red tail lights of other cars mixed with the white lights and smoke of the refinery made him feel like he was traveling at the speed of light and that time could at any point stand still. He wished it would because he knew he was headed home to pain and misery and a night of not enough sleep. A night full of tossing and turning and waking up in a cold sweat. For a man who didn't believe in having a conscience, his sure did make his life a miserable one. It was all a big a joke, him telling himself he didn't have one and then blaming the side effects on something else, something he couldn't quite put his finger on. It's a game we play with the subconscious, a game of self-preservation. Whatever it takes to survive and go on living despite the circumstances we find ourselves in.

CHAPTER 2

As the weekend approached Jake was out of his mind excited about finally going to this magical land of tight asses and perky tits. He had hyped it up in his mind so much that by the time Friday rolled around he could hardly control himself. The fantasies were floating around in his head like lemon drops and he would surely be like a kid in a candy store. He had already picked out the outfit he would wear and he had his alibi down to a science that an expert bank robber would be jealous of. He saw Tina at her desk and she could see the excitement in his eyes. "This better not be one of those ridiculous clubs with a bunch of under aged teenagers on ecstasy sucking on pacifiers and twirling glow sticks or I will be pissed off" she told him.