Send No Money

It stood out because it was so plain. A plain white envelope handwritten and with no return address. I started to toss it in to the garbage, but something made me hold back and at least give it a read. I poured a glass of wine and took the mail up to my office, throwing it on the desk while my computer booted up. Too many projects, too many stressors at work, different day, etc, etc. maybe this note will be that notice that some long lost rich aunt has passed away and I am to inherit millions.

The letter was a copy of a copy of a copy. It looked like at one time it started out as one of those old time mimeographed pages we use to get in grade school where the letters of the typeface kind of melt together and you have to decipher the blobs. The letterhead at one time must have looked fancy, now it also kind of blurred together. I could make out a full moon rising over a house and the silhouette of what could have passed for a witch, pointed hat and all.

“From the Witches Trial Society of Salem, Massachusetts. We are the guardians of the souls of our long lost sisters and have been charged to keep the mortal world safe from harm. You have been chosen to help keep the bond alive and protect us from Satan, the master of evil, Beelzebub.

As you may or may not know the bargain struck that day that they were lost was to keep the memory of their demise alive by correspondence. As long as the chain remains unbroken we have been promised the ultimate protection from his wrath. You have two days to send the letter forward to one friend. Send no money. You will be rewarded with gifts far more worthy than you can imagine as you live a life in paradise. Fail to forward the letter and the wrath of all that is evil will descend upon you, your family and all of mankind. The fate of the world now rests in your hands. Choose one person from your friends. Mail this letter, not a copy and sit back and wait for the wealth of paradise to become yours.

With love, knowing that you will make the right decision, your friends at the Witches Trial Society.”

Okay, I found this to be a bit disturbing, mostly because someone I knew had forwarded this bullshit to me. Probably Sid from accounting, the little bastard, just because I don't hand in my expense reports on time. Without further consideration, I tossed the letter, the envelope in to the wastebasket.

About three days later I came home after a really bad day at the office. One of those days you start watching the clock at eleven hoping it's almost quitting time. I must have tossed some uneaten food in the garbage upstairs because the second floor was infested with flies. All kinds especially those nasty green head things that like to take bites out of your flesh. They chased me back down and outside, where I ran in to a petite little gentleman with a bowler hat and his associate, a rather large ominous looking thug.

The little man smiled on and off like a machine at my annoyance with the flies. He introduced himself as the general counsel for the Salem Witches Trial Society. There was still time, he claimed, if I had not forwarded the letter, there was still time.

I said I really did not know what he was talking about. The big guy leaned in, his breath smelling of greasy spiced lunch meats and reminded me that they knew I had received the letter and knew that I had not forwarded such in a timely manner.

“What are you all making such a fuss about? It was a chain letter. People get them all the time. People just don’t forward them.”

The little man sucked in some air and held his hat by the brim. “This letter in one form or another has been forwarded for over three years. You must be able to appreciate that.”

I was busy scathing at my various fly bites. They were beginning to swell.

“The letter was created at great sacrifice to the original authors and to let it all just stop now, well, as the letter has told us, we will have to face the wrath of unspeakable evil.”

“Will you all get off my property? I need to call an exterminator.”

“You'll need more than that before this night is through.”

“Is that a threat?”

“No, simply a statement of the facts.”

The exterminator took his sweet time getting to my house. He claimed that there seem to be a plague of house fly infestations in the neighborhood, but by far mine was the worse. The place smelled from the bug bombing as I lay on my couch attempting to drink the troubles of my day away.

I woke after midnight; the little guy was ringing my front doorbell. “Listen you son of a bitch, I didn't send the letter, I don't intend to send the letter and I would like you to leave before I call the cops.”

“Oh, please do. The police officers in this part of town are very good friends of ours. I told you that the original letter was made at great sacrifice. You will be happy to know that we have made arrangements to be continue the protection of the letter as long as we, how to put this delicately?”

“Have someone to sacrifice?”

“Oh, thank you so much for understanding. I was afraid that you would put up a fight.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yes, well you see the person who doesn't continue the chain is expected to forfeit his life to save all of mankind from unspeakable evil. I do hope that this will not be an inconvenience.”