Paint Can

Most of us who enjoy the odd slasher movie have been through the same scenario: You are watching an ill-fated character and suddenly they hear a noise or see something suspicious out of the corner of their eye. Said character decides the best way forward is to go and check out the source of mystery and this decision usually ends in their death. The entire sequence is narrated by your irritated, exasperated voice/thoughts telling the soon to be dead character not to go down there, or up there or out there. ‘Well, if you’re going to go ahead and do it anyway, you deserve to be cut up into little pieces and fed to the murderer’s family and don’t say I didn’t warn you!’ Humph. How could he or she be so stupid? If I you were, you implore, I would be straight up those basement stairs or straight out the front door or wherever it is that will be as far away from this threat as possible. I most certainly would not be heading up those stairs missy! But is this really the case? Would we actually run for safety?



Well, I don’t know about you, but it was certainly not the case for me. I admit this grudgingly- I have for at least 15 years being yelling grandiosely at every silly mistake these characters make. However, as I found out recently, if for one night my life had been a horror movie, I may even have been the first to get the chop (this based on the fact that I haven’t heard of any recent murders in my neighbourhood.) Now, to build my defence. The poor first victim in a slasher movie has absolutely no reason to be suspicious. They haven’t heard of any recent threats about the place. Statistically, you would be very unlucky to find a serial killer in your basement. And a lot more unlucky to find a demon of some kind- depending on which religion you subscribe to of course. In addition, there is no eerie soundtrack dictating your mood. If I had heard creepy music emanating throughout my house that night, SURE, I would have run for the hills. But the harsh reality is that things that want to kill you don’t generally offer you that courtesy. They’re shifty like that. So, one night, I was alone in the house, lounging on front of the TV and luckily for me not watching a horror film. All of a sudden, a loud crash comes from out in the hall somewhere. Now, I love horror films. My Dad got me watching all the old school ones when I was about ten (no judgements here Dad). I watch them all the time and let me tell you that did me no favours in this instant. I immediately understood the phrase ‘my heart nearly jumped out of my chest’. I was frozen to the sofa. Talk about bad in a crisis.



BUT! You see it mightn't always be a crisis. There was no sinister music warning me to get the hell out of the house. Ring the police. And what would I tell them?



I’ve heard a noise, come quick!



OK, and have you checked it out?



No! Are you crazy? I could get killed!



And what if I decide to flee? Most likely my housemate would return from work to find me shivering outside, eyes wide and wild waiting for an imaginary monster to pounce at any minute. She would then go inside and find that a paint can had fallen over. I haven’t judged the first victim quite so harshly since this little incident. However, I fully condone judging the careless behaviour of the following victims; they usually know that something is amiss and should be fully prepared to react as ridiculously paranoid as possible when they hear something suspicious. On a final note, don’t be afraid to check out that noise guys, but maybe bring a bat of some kind like I did. That paint can didn’t know what had hit it.