Essay of me

What is wrong with me? This is a question that I have subconsciously pondered for the past four or so years. Is there truly something wrong with me? Or are all of my worries and insecurities truly just a figment of my weak imagination?  I get up in the morning, and I put on a (what I think, anyway) perfect, albeit gorgeous outfit, and then spend forty-five minutes doing my hair and make up, convincing myself o the way out the door that I look beautiful. That I am smart, and funny and kind. And then I arrive at school, and I am suddenly surrounded by all of these girls in their simple jeans and t-shirts (with a few exceptions, of course) and they all seem to be, in the simple elegance better than I am. More beautiful, more fashionable, and all around better then I am. Perhaps I truly am paranoid, but as I walk down the hallway, I try to convince my self myself that I am wonderful. But I am aware of that pesky band of insecurities, which could perhaps truly be imaginary, but I still dwell on them, trying to figure out how to fix them.

         Perhaps all people are like this; perhaps all people spend thirty percent of their waking hours dwelling on their most imperfect aspects, while on the outside looking like they have everything under control.  Some in a most egotistical way. Maybe these people are just as insecure as I am. But I guess that they just don’t show it. Some of these girls walk around the hallway and stare at me as if I am just a little maggot on the side of the road. Perhaps this is true for me. A little spec on the side of the road of life. Perhaps this is true for all of us. Maybe we are all just these little ants, ruled over by the bigger, better animals that we have let ourselves believe are better than any of us. The big question is; How do we stop it?

         Or should we even stop it? Maybe we’ve all just gotten so used to living like this, that it would be like changing species to try to stop ourselves. Stop ourselves from being self-conscious or intimidated by other people. Or maybe we should stand up and speak out. Say “ Screw you world! I’m not going to try to be like people that I don’t even like anyway. I’m not trying to impress anyone but myself. Because one of these day’s, I’m going to be living my dream, and you’re going to be stuck in this hellhole all of your miserable lives!”

         Perhaps I WILL do this. Maybe I’ll go to school this week, and look people in the eye if they’re mean to me, and stand up for myself. Say those exact words, and perhaps add these ones: “ I don’t care if you see me as some miserable maggot on the side of the road because of my looks or my social standing. I am smart, and kind and people like these eventually triumph in the world over people like you!”

         Yes. Yes I will say that, and try to convince myself that it IS true. I will let myself be free in who I am, and I continue writing out my feelings and showing  the world so that they can see just how much I do not care what they think of me. I will continue being weird by their standards, and I will thrive to be imperfect in their eyes. Because who are they to judge me? I will spend my days doing things they think are strange,. I will study my butt off, and read books that they think are weird. I will wear whatever I want, and I will stand up to the girls that give me dirty looks sometimes in the hallway

I am totally kidding. I probably won’t do that. I’m too much of a chicken. I really, really wish that I wasn’t, but it’s just the way that I am. This might be why I’ve been writing more recently. It helps me communicate my feelings without the possibility of people finding out my innermost thoughts and emotions. So, instead I will brave the roads of the things that I AM good at, and things that matter to ME. Namely, school, my friends, and my writing. SCREW YOU WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!