Mirth Control

The sun, an orange glow behind thick winter clouds dropped below the tree line marking the end of its day. I should be so lucky, the three jokers I was transporting to the airport were wearing on my nerves.

"Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck," the fat one said for the umpteenth time. "That's what I say."

Yes, that is what you say, isn't it? I eyed the fat one in the rear view and surmised that he was probably the leader of this little group, or at least the most obnoxious.

They appeared to be mid level businessmen; insurance, or perhaps banking, returning home from a conference of some kind. They were pretty liquored up by the time they staggered into my peaceful world and whatever free form conversation they'd been having in the hotel bar continued.

"I learned a lot these past two days," said the youngest looking one.

"Oh?" The fat one queried.

"Yeah, I learned that Roger here pisses on the toilet seat and humps his pillow in his sleep." All three roared in laughter at this while I cringed and gripped the steering wheel tighter.

"Who was sleeping?" Roger added and laughed loudest of all at his self deprecating humor.

These were the type of buffoons that were you to happen upon them acting in such a manner anywhere else in life, you would avoid them at all cost. But in this instance, I was stuck with them until I dropped their sorry asses off at the Delta terminal.

"Yeah, well I learned something too," Roger said loudly as he cocked a thumb towards the kid. "Jimmy here likes to jerk to Asian porn." A bigger laugh from the two older men hinted that they were the alpha dogs of the group. Sure young Jimmy could have some fun at their expense as long as he knew his place.

"I like Asian chicks," he smirked. "So what?"

"Well you kept me up all night whacking it," Roger said. More laughter. "Damn complimentary Wi-Fi," he added.

Please God take me now.

"Ever had one?" The fat one asked. "A chink, I mean?" Roger and the kid shook their heads.

Did he just say 'chink'?

"I thought I did once," he continued, "but she just turned out to be a burn victim!"

I cringed.

"If you squint your eyes, it's hard to tell the difference," he added. Jimmy chuckled for a second before falling silent while the fat man's laughter continued

"That's racist," Roger said. "Racist and horrible."

"It's not racist, just mean spirited," the fat one said in his own defense though his tone indicated that he might be thoughtfully considering his vulgarity.

"Hey, maybe my mother is a burn victim," Jimmy said in mock outrage.

"Can I fuck her?" the fat one asked, not missing a beat.

I need a new job.