FreeBird Chapter 3: Circus Freak

You wouldn’t really understand unless I told you everything.
I was born to a bad family. Due to complications during my birth, my mother died, and I never got to see her. My father was always abusive, and he insisted that it was my fault that she died. He was a heavy drinker before she died, and afterwards I can only assume he got more violent. He would come home in a fit of rage and beat me, his baby girl. I rarely misbehaved, out of fear of being hurt, but he still found reason to hit me anyways. Because I was used to it, I just assumed that all kids where treated this way, so I did whatever I could to please my father. I tried following in his foot steps, he was a great baseball player, so I joined softball when I was young. One time, during practice, I got hit in the side of the head by a fast pitch. I was so scared; I couldn’t go to bat anymore, because I instinctively flinched whenever the pitch came in. I felt useless on the team and decided that I would just quit. When I told my dad that I didn’t like softball I got beat savagely. He used his belt and beat me for a solid ten minutes. My body was broken; I was so scared of him. It was just awful. All I ever wanted was to be accepted by him. But I realized that it was impossible. I decided that I would rather end my life than live feeling worthless. I would climb the tree that was near the edge of a steep cliff in my yard. I wanted to climb to the top branch and drop to my death. I felt death was better then my life with an abusive father.
I stood high in the tree. I grasped the trunk and stood shakily from the top. I looked down. The fall would be terrifying, but it would be the end of my pain. I looked out to the horizon. The mountains in the distance looked so massive from the cliff. I looked back down. Sharp rocks awaited me. I imagined what everyone would think. Would they think I was just a fragile girl who was to scared to face my problems and killed myself to escape? Would they understand why? Of course they wouldn’t. But I didn’t care. I’d be dead, and it wouldn’t matter to me at all. I tried to lean forward and fall but I couldn’t do it. My leg wouldn’t let go of the branch. I pulled back.
“I can’t even kill myself right!” I sobbed.
Maybe I was doomed to live this life, and there was no way out of it. In a final desperate attempt I flung my body from the tree. As soon as I no longer felt the rough branches I realized I had made a mistake. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to be free from my father. I needed to save myself. As I fell, my adrenalin boosted. I wasn’t about to let myself die. I stuck out my arm and looked for a life line. My hand crashed through a flimsy branch. As I got closer and closer to the bottom of the tree I felt an energy that I never knew. I wanted to live and not even the force of God would stop me. I stretched out my now-broken hand. I found a thin branch a few feet below and used whatever strength I could muster to grab hold of it. My hand wrenched against my own weight. I held on with all my might. I dangled helplessly, suspended by a cracking branch. I heard it cracking. The branch began to fold. I looked around frantically to find a safer branch. As I quickly turned back and forth I found a larger branch. The only problem was that it was a far drop to it and I would need to jump to it. I looked to it and swung my hips back gently, before thrusting forward violently. I flew through the air pulling down the branch. As I fell, I had to contort my body to avoid hitting smaller branches. I dove head first and spun and arched my back to narrowly evade a branch. I stuck my arms out and landed perfectly on the sturdy branch. What a rush. It was the greatest feeling I could ever imagine. I was in control. I decided whether I lived or died. It got me thinking. Maybe, this was my true talent. Baseball was his calling, but mine could be something different. Maybe I could win his affection if I was the best at something. I had decided. At that moment I decided to pay for my own classes. I got a job working at a farm. I hated it. The workload was awful. They made me clean up the pens. I wanted to quit everyday. But I stayed with it. I was going to make my father love me. It would all be worth it. After over a year of painful degrading disgusting work, I finally made enough money to take classes. My teacher was Rachael Collins. She was a very pretty lady. She was the first person I ever met who actually cared about me. And I was just a stranger, and a child. She said I had a gift. I had incredible focus and balance. It wasn’t long before I was competing in competitions. At first, I was dominant in my age group. None of the girls where as steady and fearless as I was. I could prance around the balance beam with the greatest of ease. Coach Collins suggested that I move up to compete with older girls. I was scared, but Coach said I had a gift that not many people have. I wasn’t afraid and I trusted that no matter what I did, I would land safely. I was willing to attempt tricks that others wouldn’t even imagine trying. I did modest in my first few meets. I kept practicing and training myself. I wanted so desperately to make the state finals. I placed second in my next 3 meets and even won a gold medal. That earned me an invitation to states. I wanted to do a high beam routine. I would flip through the air and finish with a double flip dismount. I confessed to my dad that I had been invited to states and he actually agreed to come watch me. I waited the entire day for my event. I saw him. His arms folded in disapproval. He looked on miserably. He clearly didn’t find the meet amusing. But he would when he saw my special routine. I mounted the beam. My heart raced. The announcer called my name. I did my usual routine. I did handstands somersaults and everything went perfectly. I worked my way to the end farthest from my dad. I looked him square in the eye and began running towards him. I reached the end and leapt high. I tucked my body in and began flipping fast. I released and landed in front of him. My landing was nearly perfect. I looked at him. Everyone erupted in applause. Everyone except my dad. He looked at me angrily. He bend down and whispered in my ear, “Circus Freak” and walked away.
All I ever wanted was his approval. But it was clear that it was impossible. I broke down in tears. I cried uncontrollably. Coach tried to comfort me but, I wasn’t in a mood to be talked too. I abandoned the gym and went back to my tree. As I went to climb it, I saw something. A tattered flyer. It was for a circus. On the flyer was a trapeze artist. That was where I belonged. I was a circus freak, and they would accept me. I decided that I would sneak into my dad’s house and take all of the money he hid on the fridge, then I’d run away with the circus. I went downtown and saw the festive tent. It was alive. The atmosphere was magical. I felt like I belonged. I bought a ticket at the gate and went inside. It was so loud. I saw people standing on tightropes, balance beams and lions in cages. It was unreal. Everything I could ever dream of was in the tent. I bought a cotton candy and popcorn. During the lion tamers act, a close call resulted in a family getting up and leaving. As soon as they left I jumped up to their seats, in the front row.
As the show went on the tricks became even more incredible. The final act was a beautiful Russian girl, Alexandra. She would perform stunts from the trapeze. She flung herself around the tent. She flipped and twirled and landed. Suddenly, another girl was illuminated across the tent. They swung from their platforms nearly simultaneously. When they where about to collide. Alexandra swung from her trapeze and grabbed the other trapeze as the other girl dropped safely onto a trampoline. Alexandra then began swinging uncontrollably fast until she had enough momentum to go in a full circle. She finished with a spin and then dropped.
After the show, when everyone had left, I stayed. I followed Alexandra back to the trailers. As I watched the beautiful woman, I couldn’t help from going up to her. I nervously approached her. I asked her about her performance and the circus. She was very enthusiastic and after a few minutes of questions, I started talking about how I was pretty good. I told her all of my achievements and awards. She was very impressed with me but she wasn’t too enthusiastic about taking me away from my home at such a young age to waste my life as a circus performer. I began telling her about my neglectful father and how I needed to be in the circus. I said it was my only option. After pleading my case to her, she admitted that she would need a sidekick in her act and if I was as good as I said I was, she’d talk to the ringleader. Ecstatic, I looked for something to perform on. I looked frantically, but most of the equipment was being taken down. I looked around and saw a huge tree that stood right outside of the tent. I pulled on Alexandra’s arm and led her outside. I began climbing the branches and telling Alexandra about how I started doing aerial stunts from trees and trying to kill myself. I climbed to the top of the tree and hung myself from one of the top branches. I began swinging in the dark. Alexandra flashed a light to see me. I flew down and balanced on a lower branch. I picked up speed and threw myself up, flipping quickly in the air. I then dove headfirst down and balanced on my hands on a lower branch. I heard Alexandra applaud me. I felt really good about my performance and decided that I would do one final stunt to win her over. From a lower isolated branch I began swinging forward. I picked up speed and let go. I flew up in a tight ball and spun rapidly in the air. I felt myself falling and opened my body and landed. It was a little bit off-balance, but I could tell that she didn’t care. She smiled and applauded my performance and patted my back. She told me to wait when she brought over the ringleader. He was a tall bald man who seemed to have been taken away from something urgent and he was both relieved but irritated. Alexandra presented me and talked about me like I was the greatest performer in the world. It made me feel good but I was also embarrassed. I smiled and with a grin the leader extended his hand and said I was great.
I left that night with the circus. The first few weeks were exciting. I was welcomed by everyone, including a boy my age named Marcus Kantong, but his stage name was Kong.. He was very muscular, but not overly huge. He had buzzed black hair. He was the strongest man in the circus, and he was only 12. Me and him became close friends very quickly. He was my best friend. He was the only person my age in the circus. I was able to find out about his life and why he joined the circus. He said that his dad was working on a more efficient steroid. He tested it on all of Kong’s brothers. The experiment had detrimental effects on Kong. He was prone to fits of rage, and his body grew at an alarming rate, he was too dangerous and decided to run away. That was when he joined the circus. His fits where becoming more violent as he got bigger, but around me, he was always controlled and calm.
But, after a show where he messed up his lifting routine, and the weight dropped on his body, he couldn’t contain himself. He waited till the show ended and he exploded. He tore up the tent and punched a hole in his trailer. I was the only one who could calm him down, but when I approached him he punched me in the jaw. It knocked me out. I woke up later. Kong had calmed down and Alexandra was reviving me. Kong hovered over me, with tears in his eyes. He apologized repeatedly and insisted it wouldn’t happen again. And like a damn idiot I believed him.
His temper got significantly worse, and eventually we all had to do what he wanted. It was like he ran the damn show. I wasn’t sure what he’d do to me. At one minute, he’d be helping me get ready for my act, the next he’d be mad, saying I was taking away from the main attraction which was his act. I wanted to leave him but I knew that he’d do something crazy. So I dealt with my fear and just tried to keep him in control.
A few months later we had a great show. I was going to be a huge part in my act for the first time. I was admittedly nervous, but I was amazing. The crowd cheered for me. The entire tent felt like it was going to explode. I felt the people wanted to see more of my act, so I went on for a few extra minutes. This cut into Kong’s act and it infuriated him. He was brutal after the show, but he acted calm. He said he’d take me out on a romantic date by the lake. When we got there, he started to beat me. It was just like my dad did. He beat me savagely, left me broken and beaten. When I thought it was over, he came back and started tearing my clothes off my body. The experience was the most traumatizing thing I ever experienced.
So, I was at the lowest point of my life, again. It wasn’t fair, I didn’t deserve this. After I recovered, I fled the circus, and that’s how I ended up in Denton.