'It's a Wrap' - or 'One for the Make Up'

Handsome men are pathetic.

A lot has been said about pretty women who apparently lack brains, but nothing whatsoever has been said about handsome men.

So I'm saying it now.

Handsome men are pathetic.

Oh yeah, yeah, I know, I must not generalise. I must not say 'all handsome men are pathetic'. But they are, see. So I'm not generalising, I'm merely stating a fact.

Take Trevor, for example.

A real hunk, but do you know how long it took him to get ready for that photo shoot? Two hours, twenty five minutes and seventeen seconds. I know - I had to wait it out that long. I happen to be the make up girl on the photo shoot. And I had to sit there with just one sandwich and one cold cup of coffee while he was in his dressing room. The spot boy said I should be grateful I had the sandwich, he got soggy-tea-bag tea and nothing to eat, till Mr. Man emerged from his dressing room.

Then there was the make up. That's where I came in. Right after Mr. Man was hoisted up the mountain on the crane. Yup, yup, he was hoisted up, I had to climb. They couldn't run the crane again, see, for a mere make up girl. And it wasn't even a real mountain, just a bunch of rocks hoisted up with that self-same crane, for the shoot. So it was pretty precarious, climbing up.

Anyway, by the time I reached up, Mr. Man was all fussed about his hair and the sweat he had worked up waiting for me to get there. So I had to use a cold paper tissue and a hot towel and what-not before I could get to the foundation and the make up.

Don't ask me about the make up. I do NOT want to talk about the make up. All I can say is - it took thirty two minutes and twelve seconds and the spot boy counted that I held up the mirror eleven times for Mr. Man to peer at his face, find something he didn't like about what I'd done, and make me correct it. Standing atop the fake mountain, it was one of the toughest assignments of my career.

Then the shoot.

Fortunately, someone found a bottle of beer somewhere or none of us onlookers would've been able to bear the actual shoot. The number of times Mr. Man checked the camera angles, the light, the reflectors, what have you. I didn't actually get to look on much, or swig too much of that beer either. He had his make up re-touched seventeen times. I swear, I've never used that much eye-liner on any of the women models I've worked with. Putting it on and smudging it off and redoing it. Phew.

Anyway, finally the director called for the pack up. Never have the words 'It's a Wrap' sounded so sweet. I could've kissed the spot boy, when I heard those words. Maybe I did kiss him, I can't be too sure. I had swigged more beer than I thought I had, and it was hot so I was a bit giddy. I'm not sure why exactly the director called the pack up, either. Did he think he had the perfect shot, or was the light fading, or was he as fed up of Mr. Man as the rest of us were?

I'm not involved with the post-production aspect of things, so I wasn't present, but the spot boy's cousin works in the studio and apparently Mr. Man walked in and insisted on photo-shopping all his shots himself. I don't even know how he was allowed to do that. I'm not sure why he made me waste all that eye-liner, but the spot boy's cousin told him that Mr. Man retouched his eyes in all the photos. He didn't stop at the shortlisted photos, either, he worked on them all. More than sixty of them. Luckily there's a coffee dispenser in the studio, I dread to think what would've happened to the spot boy's cousin and her colleagues, otherwise. Apparently they had to get the coffee dispenser refilled, at photo number forty three.

I also heard that Mr. Man wanted to be there during the client presentation - this whole photo shoot was for an advertising campaign, see - but the creative director had someone lock him in the bathroom or slip something in his drink or something, so he would be safely out of the way for that. You don't get to be creative director unless you can think out of the box. I wish someone had locked Mr. Man in the bathroom during the shoot. It would've been easier on us all. Lock the guy up and put his double, or a doll or something, on that mountain instead.

ANYWAY - so finally ... finally ...

... we had the last laugh.

And we opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate.

How?

Come on. You've seen the photo, haven't you? The one the client finally picked for the campaign? Of course you've seen it.

The photo of the man on the mountain, you've seen it. That's the one the client picked.

Tell me ...

... can you recognise WHO the model is?

Can you see his carefully made up and retouched eyes, or his slickly combed and gelled hair, or indeed, any of his face at all?

For all anyone cares, it could've been a double or an inflatable doll or anyone or anything.

So we're having the last laugh - the spot boy and I and his cousin and everyone else who Mr. Man worked with. The creative director looked in, too.

While you're here, share the bubbly. There's plenty.


"Short Shots - December 2013 Winners!" 
Second Place - "'It's a Wrap' - or 'One for the Make Up'"

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