A poem about me today

a teacher of students
a lover to him
a mama to them
a friend to some
the person i see
when i know i need to understand
hurt and bruised
but past that
is the truth
positive occasionally
but most of all hurt
most of all negative
and waiting for the shoe to fall
stinky and sour
out of control
the person i am is not me
they made this me
and i can't get back
to what i what to see
trying always and wishing daily
hoping for it all to make sense one time
to grasp the truth and hold on
to know and feel what others do
to sigh and breath and feel it all
intense
relaxed
understanding
confident
walking with pride
of who i am
a good person who does good things
who loves wholely and all of me
who gives and gives and wants it back
who hurts and cries outloud and quiet
who sees a moment in time
as a memory
as it happens
and smiles inside and out
and hopes someone else sees it
for what it is
and for who i am
in my dreams
in the view of me i want to be
i want you to see me
as i want to be
not as this person
they made me
how do i get me back
how do i erase the signs
that they were ever here?
How do i hold on to my own real?
I don't want to be lost
in a sea of doubt
of regret
of time lost
and days gone
and racing thoughts
when life is happening
right in front of me.
reach out and get it
quiet my mind
fill it with real
his love is real
his caring is real
my babies' love is real
the people that matter are real
the rest is your mind
holding on to a past
dirty with betrayal
get it out
you like it clean
and filled with the good
so fill it up then
no one else will
you have to
it's yours to fill
go get the pitcher
reach out and take it in
and let it all overfill
and wash away the dirt
of a past you didn't deserve
with a future meant for you
by Gods grace
and by your own strength
love is yours for the taking
everywhere that you look
go get it baby
you earned every second