Magic Moments Dan

Tom Garcino was meeting with Maria Tessano for lunch. She was an old high school friend of his, who cared for him as a friend and had kept in touch with as the years had passed on. Maria was married to Dan, who was also an associate of his. He worked as a hitman for the Mafia, just like Tom did. Dan had earned the nickname “Magic Moments” in the Family since nothing seemed to be a downer for him. It had been heartening upon first being introduced to it but as the years had gone on it had grown thin —— especially for Maria as she was much closer to Dan than he was. This, in fact, was what she had come to talk with Tom about today.

“I just want to see him unhappy, just once,” she explained. “I mean, I love this man but I just want to know that there is something out there that will just once break his happy streak. So, I’ve thought up something that may lead to that. Unfortunately, it involves something pretty risky so whoever pulls it off is going to scare or piss off Dan so much that my husband is going to kill him. And I’m going to need your help to pull it off.”

“So what’s your plan?” Tom asked.

“Well, our chauffeur is going to be laid off within the next couple of weeks and we’ll be looking for a new one. Maybe you could find some kid with a driving license but also a death wish. What I’m looking for is someone who will go speeding at a reckless pace with him in that Porsche he loves so much. And I mean really speed! In dangerous country. That close a brush with death should freak him out just once. And he’ll probably fulfill your kid’s death wish after that.”

“True enough,” Tom said. “I’ll look into it. Some of the people I know occasionally come into my office when they’re depressed and some even talk about suicide.”

By a stroke of good luck, just such an occurrence lead Tom to find Jimmy. He was a kid who was feeling pretty low and unhappy about his failure to achieve anything in life. Tom offered him one chance to freak out a Mafia hitman and then to go out in style. Killed by the Mob instead of taking drugs or slashing wrists in a bathtub. Jimmy accepted with some interest, replaced the old chauffeur and the stage was set. Dan was introduced to Jimmy and they started going out on rides together. The first couple of days driving was too much within the urban areas of the city to allow for speeding but, soon enough, they came to a relatively clear stretch of road and Jimmy took his chance.

He jammed his foot on the pedal and gunned the engine. Dan seemed to be mildly interested and they were just passing a graveyard by the road so Jimmy decided to take it up a notch. He swerved the car wildly through the wooden gates of the cemetery and started running through and bashing down gravestones. Even though they were bumping grave stones, they must have been old and weak since Jimmy was maintaining a fair turn of speed. He was going at about 130 mph! Dan was yelling but not with fear. Instead, he seemed to be enjoying himself! He was screaming “Wheeeeoooooo!” and “Yeehaaw!”. Jimmy finally broke through the other side of the graveyard and crashed into a lamp post on the other side. After a moment of silence and heavy breathing, Dan finally said, “ Wow! Jimmy, I don’t know why you did that but I loved every minute of it!”

“But, sir,” Jimmy pointed out, “ the front bumper is all damaged now…and wasn't it dangerous?!”

“Well, the damage is minor and can be fixed. And it may have been dangerous but it was also a real life experience! Full of vitalism! My old chauffeur would never have done anything like that. He was a good driver but he never fully utilized the power of this Porsche. I’m glad we got you now, Jimmy. You just gave me 10 years of my life back!”

Tom met Maria the next day. “Okay, now I’m starting to get annoyed,” she said. “Not only did that plan not work, but, according to Jimmy, it actually improved his frame of mind!”

“What you need to do,” Tom said, “ is make him really hate something. A hitman may not know fear but he could possibly be pissed off at something.”

“What do you suggest?”

“Well, you say he really loves that Porsche. Get Jimmy to key it up. Just scratch up one side of it with his keys. There’s no way he could like that and he’ll kill Jimmy for sure this time. Since he really likes the kid now, that too might be a downer for him. Of course, he’ll probably hate him after the keying.”

“You’re right. That’s should piss him off. Pass the word to Jimmy.”

So, the next day, while Dan was at a meeting, Jimmy keyed up his Porsche on the driver’s side using wildly swinging patterns. When Dan returned from the meeting, Jimmy called him over to the driver’s side to take a look at the work he had done. Dan came over and stared silently at the keying for a while.

Then, he asked, “Did you do this, Jimmy?”

“Yes. I’m sorry Mr. Tessano but I guess I was just bored.”

“Sorry? Why? I love it! Of course you’ll have to do the other side as well now but just get to it when you have the time.”

“What?” Jimmy exclaimed. “You like my keying?!”

“Definitely, Jimmy, definitely. You’re certainly the artistic type. Those scalloped patterns remind me of the art of Feng Shui. Always been a big fan of Feng Shui. Even had my home done up in that style. And now my car can be too!”

Maria was definitely out of sorts when Tom met her the following day. “Okay, I’m pissed now. Who would have thought he’d be able to take something positive out his chauffeur keying his car?! Nothing seems to dampen his spirits!”

“It does seem strange,” Tom admitted.

“I’m ready to take this to another level. If this doesn’t work then nothing will. But it will involve breaking and entering and killing. Jimmy won’t be able to do that so I need you. We can’t get more people involved in this as it would be too risky.

“Killing?!” Tom asked, sounding disconcerted. “What exactly do you mean?”
“Well, you know, he has that Golden Retriever he cares about so much —— Roxie. Maybe you could break into the house and give it an overdose of phenobarbital or something. Do it quietly, so you don’t wake him or the dog to avoid risk to you. When he comes into the kitchen the next day and sees his dog dead, it should crush him.”

Tom agreed. “Sure, I can do that even though I’m risking my life here. After all, sneaking in and killing is what being a hitman is all about. What do I get this phenobarbital?”

“You can get it from a vet or even buy online, I think. Thanks, Tom. It’ll be worth it just to see him crushed.”

That night Tom snuck into the Tessano residence and headed to the right for the kitchen where, Maria had told him, Roxie slept. She was an elderly dog and did not hear or smell him coming in. When he was close enough he grabbed her by the muzzle and jabbed his syringe into her throat. After some initial whining, she soon went to sleep and passed away.

From Maria’s unhappy expression the next morning, Tom knew that things had not gone according to plan. “He was crying today…”, she said.

Tom was puzzled. “Then why do you look so upset?”

“Crying ,all right! Crying tears of joy! He was relieved that the dog had passed away! He said, he had really loved that dog but it had been getting on in years and was ailing. He’d wanted to put it out of its misery but just never had the heart to take it to a vet to be put down. He thought it had died in it sleep and was glad it had gone so quietly. I’m done with this. I’m going to divorce him. He says he loves me —— that should put a crimp in his style!”

“Are you sure that will do anything? Maybe he’s having an affair with another woman? Or maybe he’ll make more money than you in the claims settlement? And don’t you love him anymore?”

“I know he’s not cheating on me. We have a pretty honest relationship. And I checked with my lawyer; since I don’t have a job, I’ll win in claims. I used to love him but can’t stand his blatant exuberance anymore. Makes me sick to my stomach.”

Tom met up with Dan a few days later while they were at a Mob meeting. “Hey, I heard you and Maria got separated. Is that right?”

“Yeah…” Dan said but he seemed to be smiling.

“You don’t seem too sad about it.”

“Maybe it’s just me. She said the reason she was leaving is that she was sick of my optimism which, if you think about it, is a pretty weird reason to leave a guy. I wasn’t gonna hold her back if she was sick of me but the divorce opens up a great option for me.”

“Which is?”

“T-bone steaks, Tommy! When I was married to Maria, she would never let me eat my favorite steak cut — T-boners! Said they wouldn’t be good for my health due to all the fat they had. And I stuck by her restrictions during the marriage. Now, though, I’m free to eat all I want. And you can bet I’ll be chompin’ down!”

Tom saw Maria a few days later. She looked haggard and worn out. “Tom? I need you to kill someone for me.”


“Dan? You want me to kill Dan? You know that goes against the code.”

“Not him. Then, he’d die a happy man. No, his ex-wife Gina adopted a baby about 6 months back. He used to visit her once every couple weeks and spend time playing with that kid and helping her take care of it. I know he loves that kid. I need you to kill that kid for me. I have nothing against Gina but that kid has got to go.”

Well, I don’t like killing babies but seeing as how you’re single now I’ll do it if you’ll go out with me.”

“I’d love to, Tom. Just make sure you do this, please.”

So, Tom put on a hood, entered Gina’s house while she was there one evening, and after knocking her out with the butt of his gun, shot the infant and left. The next day, Maria never showed up for their night out and never answered her phone either. He learned through the grapevine that Dan had been found dead in his house, shot by Maria, who had then killed herself. Tom felt sad that Maria had done that as he had been hoping to get into a relationship with her. The next day, he received a written letter that Maria had sent before she set off to kill Dan. It read:

That’s it! This is the last straw! Do you know what Dan told me when I asked him about that kid’s
murder? He said he’d promised Gina he would find out who had killed him but he was relieved
that when he went there he wouldn’t have to change the kid’s nappies anymore! Said it was sad for
Gina certainly but it wasn’t his kid, he hadn’t enjoyed cleaning up after it and you had to be looking
on the bright side of life. Bright side? How about someone who never sees the dark side?! I don’t
care if he dies happy. I’m going to kill him. This kind of unbridled optimism should not go unchecked.
Sorry to leave you like this.

So, that’s the story of how overweening optimism lead to quite a few deaths. Tom figured that if there were ghosts in real life, Dan “Magic Moments” Tessano was a happy one right now, living a pleasant afterlife and glad he was free of worldly troubles.