my family, my life, my pain.

Part 1.

I can’t control myself. I need to hurry so that the words aren’t fading away. I need to breathe. So many words and too many feelings and I stumbled along the way. Since I was a kid until now, I kept facing the same hatred and disappointment. To be honest, it’s getting harder and never shows a sign that it is going to end. Through the labyrinth, I somehow hated myself too, for being unfair. But, I can’t even define what is fair? I just drown waiting to be saved. There are times I can catch my breath and have strength to fight the tides, but there are times which I barely breathe and willingly let the force pull me down to the deep of desolation and I’m again lose myself. For a moment. I choked upon a question, what I'm fighting for?


Part 2.

I’m so confuse. Should I continue doing this? My mind is a bit relief now. I can’t ruin my serenity by pouring out all those painful memories just to finish this story. Now, I feel like writing a new, cheerful and glowing fiction. But, what will happen when the bad rough time come visit me again? I probably out of control finding this piece of white page again to continue documenting my sorrow. I’m not trying to pledge for sympathy or whatsoever, only by writing I can find my way back, and trace all the lessons along the tricky journey. . For your enlighten, I once was a naïve soul who strongly believe in love and everything related to it. I would repeat same romantic songs on my music player while thinking about the boy I like. I could do that all day. Heartbreak and broken trust were never making sense to me. Somehow, as I getting older I can feel that everything was fake. I started to question everything that I saw. People say, we will believe what we want to believe no matter what is the truth. I think it is true, when my mind still doesn’t recognized the mechanism of mature, I would believe or forced to believe that I my family is a happy family. That we got the strong connection and bond that nothing would ever break us. I have no doubt for my parent, I would never questioned their love and sincerity. But now, how can I hold on to those strong thoughts as the old days if there was nothing back then. First is confuse, the second feeling is betrayed.