Yellow (Remixed)

I came late on purpose, making sure not to bang the heavy wooden door behind me. I just can’t do it yet; shake hands and hug and answer questions about family and ambitions and possible spouses and act like I’m confident in being here. This is too is too normal for them, like separating the laundry or picking up a carton of orange juice. I do envy them a bit though, it is definitely more comfortable as a given.

Look at the stars; see how they shine for you….

I step into the closest pew and bow my head. But instead of praying I am rewinding, fast forwarding, pausing. According to society I am evolving; confronting my assumptions and conditioning my intellect. But in reality I am grieving, trying to remember when I fell out of love.

I came along, I wrote a song for you, and all the things you do….

It doesn’t make sense anymore, not like it used to. In a world full of sweet, bitter, creamy and vile; I need something to flail around for and grasp. Ethereal arms cupping the universe aren’t helping me sleep anymore.

So then I took my turn, oh what a thing to have done…

I shift back from my thoughts for a moment. The first reading is halfway done, and familiar:

Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him with pain.

When you make his life an offering for sin,

he shall see his offspring, and shall prolong his days;

through him the will of the Lord shall prosper.

Out of his anguish he shall see light;

he shall find satisfaction through his knowledge.

I was right, it didn’t make sense, that’s why he did it; so I would feel the honest callouses, smell the sweat, and meet the gaze of a man.

Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones, turned into something beautiful…

He knew, he knew all along.

For you I’d bleed myself dry.

For you I’d bleed myself dry.