Letters to Debbie (first of many)

Dear Debbie (or mom, I don't know what to call you),

This letter may come as a shock to you but, I have needed to write it to you for so long.

Since I am an adult now, there are things I need to say to you that I could not say to you before. There really is no point to spill all out at once because I have 31 years of pain that we need to discuss, so I will start at the beginning for now.

The first memory of a birthday that I have is my third. I cannot blame you for the events that took place that day but I can blame you for not getting me help or having the courage to talk to me about it.

I do not know if you knew that Ivan was a pedophile but I never should have had to find out on my third birthday. You were right there but, you simply were not paying attention.

I do not know if you have any idea what a child so young feels in that situation but I remember everything I felt like it happened yesterday. I felt scared, sick, ashamed, embarrassed, branded, mortified, I had no idea what to do or say to him so instead I said to him "you are in so much trouble, I'm telling." Lucky for me he let me down off of his lap when he did because I was so sick from the experience I went and threw up and you still didn't notice anything was wrong.

I came to you and asked if I could have clothes to change out of my nightgown and you said " Tina, mommy is talking right now you are going to wait. now, go say hi to uncle Ivan."

Well, there was no way I was going near him again so I went to my room and cried and cried and waited for Ivan and the others to leave.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, they finally left and when I told you why I was crying, I was shocked at your response.

Instead of asking if I need to talk about it, or asking if I am okay I got told, " Honey, it is very rude to interrupt adults when they are talking. Do not ever do that again do you hear me?"

Then, I remember you said " Now, you be a big girl while mommy goes to find out what to do about your little problem okay?"

I did the only thing I was old enough to do at the time.

I cried and cried. Then, when it felt like I could not cry anymore, I cried again.

I threw up and cried and waited for the loving support from my mommy but, it never came.

I did not know what you were supposed to do back then in that situation but, when my daughter said something to me, that someone hurt her in the bathtub, I didn't say anything at all I scooped her up, told her I am here for her got her in the car had the man arrested while I drove my kid straight to the hospital, I got her checked out, then I went straight to the court house and filled out restraining orders for all my kids and myself, went back home and packed some of our stuff and took the kids to a friends house to hide out and the whole time I was ignoring calls from my husband and the police. We hid out for 8 hours before I finally answered my phone and was told by the officer that he had spoken with the doctor who examined my daughter and she told the doctor it was a bad dream she had, my husband passed the polygraph and I had to take court appointed counseling because of making false accusations and mom that was a horrible year. But, she is my baby and if she was to turn around and say the same thing again, I would do the same thing again no questions asked.

So, I may not be able to blame you for what Ivan did, but, I do blame you for what you didn't.



I forgive you,

Love,

Tina