I Miss You.

I miss you. I miss your hugs. I miss your smile. I miss those songs you used to always sing. I miss your voice. Most of all I miss your presence. It’s been five months since you’ve passed and it feels like it was yesterday. I get these random days when I miss you more then ever and I just break in to tears. I look at old pictures and laugh about the memories. I think about all the things we have done together, the experiences we have had. I miss it. You and I got so close before you passed. We talked more, you gave more attention to me then you ever have, you did more things with me and I loved it. I loved how I could feel the love. Becoming closer to you made me so much stronger then I ever thought I could be; you inspired me. You made me realize so many things I never did before and I thank you for that! I remember all those long days in the hospitals, at your house, and the Kobacker house where your life sadly ended. Everyone from the family came in day by day saying there goodbyes, tears falling everywhere. But you couldn’t talk. You were silenced by the disease living inside you. But we knew what you were thinking. No one knew when you would be gone but we were all preparing for it. You held on for so long and we couldn’t figure out why, everyone got to say there goodbyes. Or so we thought. I was the only one who hadn’t yet. I wasn’t ready to let go of someone I had recently became so close with. You had become my life and I didn’t want to lose that. My family told me to say my goodbye when I was ready and that you were listening. I remember walking in the room and seeing you lay there, so helpless. I had to prepare myself. I went and sat by your side and everyone left. I kept telling myself “Its okay to cry, you don’t have to be strong anymore.” I was quiet the first few minutes, trying to collect my thoughts. I began talking. “Hey Grandma, it’s Bre. I wanted to tell you how proud I am of how far you have come and how strong you are being. I wanted to tell you that you don’t have to hold on anymore. You don’t have to live with this pain. It is okay for you to go. We have become so closer and have so many memories. I will never forget you and how you have changed my life and me. I remember all those trips to the bus garage with you and how every year when I got a new bus driver they would know me because you always talked about me. Good things I hope.” I laughed trying to hide the tears. “It’s hard to think that we won’t be making any more memories like this but I know you will always be with me. I love you so much grandma, it’s time for you to go to heaven and be pain free. I’ll miss you forever and always.“ I held her hand and kissed her goodbye. That was the last time I talked to her. The last time I kissed her. I went to band practice after and a couple hours later I saw my mom out of the corner of my eye. I knew exactly why she was there. I dropped to the ground and couldn’t believe that she was gone. I miss her so much words cant even describe. I am so happy she is in a better place but sometimes I just wish I could have her back one more day. Hear her voice one more time, get one more hug. Share one more memory. She will never be forgotten. I think about her everyday, talk to her everyday and live as if she is still here. She helps me get through so much even though she isn’t here. I love her more then life its self. It’s sad she had to go but she’s in gods hands now and I know ill be okay. R.I.P. Lois Ann Ide 7/26/12