Faith Reborn

Ten years ago
Anger had built a wall around my heart
As the only dream I ever had
Was crushed by my doctor’s diagnosis.

You are a mean and cruel God
To implant such a desire within me
Only to deny it.

What is the point of being a woman
If no child can survive within me?
After 12 miscarriages
I am done...
Live or die,
Nothing matters.

The bottle poisoned me;
Probably shaved years off my life,
But numbed the pain
And allowed me to smile.

Lust
Found me dancing in a bar.
Men and women surrounded me
And for the moment life seemed good.
I was the beautiful one.
I was the one everyone wanted.
Life was a game,
And I was playing for fun.

But soon the night turned to day,
And the gifts of the night were gone.
I was alone once again,

Staring at the bathroom mirror
Into the eyes of my own reflection
I said good-bye to the shell of my existence.

The tub filled with icy water,
A sharpened blade lay to the side…

The ringing of the telephone
Sounded in the other room,
And I stopped to answer
Because I didn’t want anyone to wonder
Or worry where I was.

On the other line
A panicked voice begged me to live.
It was a voice I had never heard before.
A woman that was familiar,
But that I had only known by typed words on the Internet.
How could she have known
I was so close to my last breath?

She had a message,
That life was starting new;
My husband’s seed had been planted
And was alive inside my womb.

My first thought
Was of the disappointment I would have to feel again
If I didn’t go on
And let my life end.

Then I felt your hand on my shoulder
And you whispered in my ear
"This heart beat inside you is strong,
And he is meant to be."

I fell to my knees,
Begging and pleading for just one chance...
To live my dream,
To be the kind of mother
That I never had.

Nine months later
My son was born
I was a new woman
Consumed with a kind of joy
That I had never felt before
Nor had I ever even imagined being able to feel.

His newborn cry was music to my ears
It was the sound that I thought completed me
And made my life worth living.

I’m sorry now though,
Because for years I gave my son the credit
For saving my life.
I now realize,
That it wasn’t him.
It was you my God
Who allowed him to grow and be born.

My son was a gift to remind me
That I am never alone.

He was a gift to remind me
Of the love you have for me
That can never be broken.

He was a gift,
And a clever tool
That you used to set me free
From the snares of my past.

It was you all along...
You walked beside me
And transformed the path I was
So horribly creating
To fit your plan.

It was you that made my life worth living.

From the bottom of my heart Lord,
Thank you will never seem enough
For the uncountable blessings you have given me.
It is all I have Lord.
Thank you for saving my life.
I love you!