Survival of the Idiots

America is facing an epidemic like no other – people be gett’n stupider. Every generation breeds a new bundle of idiots slightly stupider than their predecessors. As our national IQ plummets, China continues to laugh. If America is ever going to survive, we need to increase the intellectual level of our citizens before we cause our own downfall by trying to squeeze two heads into one shower cap. Surprisingly, cutting funding for education has not made America smarter. Therefore, there is no choice but to find an alternative route to avoiding this nationwide epidemic. At present time, we as a nation have tried so hard to ensure the survival of our imbeciles, but we cannot continue to harbor their stupidity. Unfortunately, we trample natural selection and keep these people alive to reproduce, thus starting the process all over. Therefore, I propose, as a nation, that we eliminate all direction and warning labels and let nature take its course.
Sometimes I wonder how to cook a pop tart. Luckily for me and others who face similar dilemmas, the directions are clearly outlined on the box, stating to “open the pouch.” Or on a package of airline peanuts: “Open package. Eat peanuts.” Where would humanity be without these insightful directions? But these seemingly intuitive steps appear on almost every product, aiding people in many complicated tasks ranging from opening wrappers, defrosting frozen food, and uncapping capped items. Like containers of Easy Cheese: “For best results, remove cap.” The only reason I can think that these directions would exist is that someone, somewhere, tried to eat the cheese without removing the cap. In the wild, this person would have died from starvation. We should not interfere with nature’s plan, and instead let them starve to death. Why put off the inevitable? If they cannot infer how to open a package of peanuts, or that removing caps enables them to get to the food inside, they will probably find another way of killing themselves, anyway. And if you forgot how to eat, never fear, direction labels have you covered, like a muffin wrapper from 7/11: “Remove wrapper. Open mouth. Insert muffin. Eat.”
If the inability to eat doesn’t kill them, then other inedible objects will (and I say inedible lightly; people have been known to ingest anything they can fit in their mouths. And sometimes things they can’t, like hammers: “May be harmful if swallowed”). People need help operating daily appliances, and lack of directions could be life threatening. How will people know which way to point a fire extinguisher? They need to know to “Direct towards flame when in use” or they could die! And then those pesky window covers for your car: “Remove from windshield before starting ignition. Do not drive with sunshade in place.” And I thought you were supposed to drive with them on! Again, people who need these directions should be dead, either by being engulfed in flames or crashing into a pole.
Everything comes with warning labels today, even things that are blatantly obvious. For instance, a package of peanuts, “WARNING: May contain peanuts”, or matches, “WARNING: Contents may catch fire.” But again, I may be overestimating our nation’s intelligence. They also tell us directly what not to do. But basic knowledge of physics – or hell, even common sense – would compel you maybe not to try certain things. Intellectuals would say hitting bodily appendages with knives turning at hyper speed would not be wise. I suppose we cannot all be that brilliant: “WARNING: Do not attempt to stop chainsaw with hands.” People could have problems determining what an ironing board is: “WARNING: Never iron clothes on body.” And some really special people may think Superman costumes are magical: “WARNING: Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.” Why aren’t these people dead yet?! These individuals should be left to die somewhere, surrounded by costumes and irons. Let’s give them all Superman costumes and watch them fly, fly away.
And the worst part is these people reproduce. There are mini imbeciles running around, ready to lower our nation’s IQ by a few more points. They learn life skills from their parents, and then pass them on to their children, and the cycle of idiocy continues. If my proposal is accepted, then the cycle will effectively stop, and America can begin to heal. Thankfully, the nincompoops are already helping our cause by eliminating their offspring. Infants around America have already been exploded in microwaves, “WARNING: Do not use for drying pets or infants”, and subject to toxins in furniture wipes, “WARNING: Do not use for a baby wipe.” Their brilliant parents sometimes throw them away, “WARNING: Do not throw baby out with bath water”, or even forget them in their strollers, “CAUTION: Remove infant before folding for storage.” At this rate, the problem could be solved in one generation! But we cannot rely on poor parenting to solve the problem; there are only so many strollers out there.
Sadly, all of these examples are actual direction or warning labels. These people plague our nation with stupidity, and we just sit around and make cautionary labels to make sure they don’t harm themselves. We are enabling their condition, allowing them to continue living in our society as walking hazards. Let’s face it – sometimes the gene pool needs a little chlorine. People everywhere should be afraid to get stuck in a burning building with these people, or should run in the opposite direction when they handle chainsaws. This is why we must let nature take its course, and use natural selection to our advantage. In a few generations, exploding babies and people driving with their sunshades still in their windshields will be but a distant memory.