What Makes Me, Me

    I am currently wearing a different hat today because that is the right thing to do for now. My therapist has suggest that is the way I should pretend to do while I am at work.
    You see the work I do is very physical and demanding of my body, it's also very masculine. It's not easy when you feel less than what you are by doing something that tests every muscle and fiber of your being. I have done this job for about 12+ years. I am grateful for the experience that the job has provided me but at times I feel chained to only one part of me.
    No one gets to see the real me until Halloween, I dress up occasionally for Halloween at work. Everyone enjoys it because it's something different. The real difference is that I am a man all year round except for that day. I don't do it to thrill anyone of them or impress them, I do it because at least once a year I am the real me where I work.
    The real me is not easy to deal with and at times can get mighty hard to fight. It involves all the emotions a person can have, I just avoid the people I work with. I literally shut myself down and don't talk to anyone, because my fear is what I say may hurt or damage them or myself. I just prefer to be silent in those moments.
    I try to explain the feeling's that are going on inside me are like a woman carrying a baby, she feels all that life bottled up inside of her. The tumbling and tossing and turning of that baby inside of her womb, her emotions on edge because she feels so much at that time. That is the best way I can describe the way this makes me feel and that is just a mild explanation.
    I dress in the privacy of my own home as a woman and thankfully I have a very supportive partner who has accepted all of me and not just parts of me.
    I am sure some are asking why would you admit to being a freak, or even putting it on the internet?  That is a good question but I have found that by not just expressing myself by dressing up, it feels good to know that I am not the only one and putting it out there is also a way of letting other's know that what they see in black and white is not always the case there is a little color in there as well.
    Maybe some people will show compassion toward other's who are like me, we all aren't freaks either. We are human, it's just not easy to be and express ourselves around others. I do admit that I am a gay male, that too has it's own definition. Not all of us who dress up as women are gay, bi, trans, and not even drag queens, nor female impersonators, some of us just do it as an expression of who we truly are and the way we truly feel.
I'll admit to you, it wasn't easy to dress up the first time and to know that you are more comfortable wearing those clothes than your own clothes that society sees you in most every day. Besides clothes come from cloths and the way they are made is what identifies them as male or female.
Does that make me less of a person because of this? I honestly don't think it does, there are lots of obstacles to over-come because of this. Gradually our world and society has realized that not everyone is what they really see or know.
    My heart break is that our culture is tainted by thinking people that are like me, are just perverted and probably crazy. That is far from the truth and it's a shame that we just can't take the time to know a person as a person. Not just by stature, race, sex, age, sexuality, and status, realizing that each of us carry individuality that makes us unique from everyone else around them.
    I know that by putting this out there, it opens a lot of criticism and probably harassment but it can't be any different than what I deal with day to day life. I just want people to know that there is at least one of us out there that is explaining why or what makes us this way. In my article here "How Do You Define Gender", there is a scientific explanation but everything I have come to realize is individual and that is what I want people to take away from this and my article. We are all unique people and each of us are individual, as the saying goes "If we all were the same, the world would be a boring place to live".
    I hope that you the reader/s will enjoy and walk away from this piece with a sense of what is, is not always.
Peace {e:Heart