Lost in Love

Nate's thighs were beginning to burn from the steep climb, but he pushed on. Night was closing in fast and the air had a bitter chill to it that promised snow.          

         “It's getting fucking cold, man.” Kyle hugged himself and shifted his feet, lagging behind. “Lets go back to the truck.”

         “What's the point?” Nate was getting annoyed with Kyle's whining. “It won't start and the window's busted. It's just as cold in the truck as it is out here. I told you, I think there's an old hunting cabin up here. We can stay there, build a fire. And not freeze our asses off.”

         “You think?” Nate rubbed his hands up and down his arms. A purple tint darkened his lips. “You mean you don't know for sure? What if we get all the way up there and there's no cabin? What then?”

         “Then we'll figure out something else.” Nate snapped. “Now move your ass. It'll be dark soon.”

         Kyle groaned and quickened his step. “Why did we come out here anyway?”

         “I was hoping...” Nate stopped and turned to face Kyle. “...to knock some of that sissy city slicker out of you. Get you back to nature.”

         “Well I'm here.” Sarcasm drenched Kyle's words. “And I think I like my city slicker persona. Nature sucks.”

         “You're such a pussy.” Nate turned away and continued up the trail.

         “What do you know about pussy?” Kyle quipped. “You fuckin' homo.”

         “Fuck you.”

         “I bet you'd like that.” Kyle smirked. “Do you fantasize about me? Am I the boy of your dreams?”

         Nate shook his head and kept moving, ignoring Kyle's ribbing. Even if he was a city boy and a total wuss when it came to the outdoors, Kyle was his best friend. The guy had known Nate was gay since they were both fourteen when Nate had opted for Kyle to be his first kiss. To Nate's dismay, Kyle had been uncooperative. Nate had walked away from that with a black eye. But he'd still gotten his kiss, even if it came with a price.

         To Nate's surprise, his little stunt hadn't caused a riff between him and Kyle. The guy simply viewed it as something to hold over Nate's head and needle him with every chance he got...like any best friend would do. So that was their routine. Kyle fucked with him about being a homo, and he fucked with Kyle about being a city slicker sissy. It was all good.

         “You wish you were my fantasy.” Nate muttered. “Trust me, if I'm gonna take the time to fantasize, the guy's gonna be a hell of a lot hotter than you, you scrawny motherfucker.”

         “Scrawny?” Kyle snorted. “I'm not scrawny, I'm lean.” He grinned and puffed as he climbed the trail behind Nate, his breath exploding in steamy plumes on the chilled air.

         “That's what all the scrawny guys say.” Nate chuckled. “But I can still see your ribs and that's a fucking turn off.” He smiled. “I like meat on my man.”

         Kyle cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah, I bet you like meat on your man.”

         Nate chuckled again, not missing the innuendo. “Damn straight, baby.”

         “I don't get fags.” Kyle shook his head. “Seriously, how can a guy prefer dick over pussy? It don't make sense.”

         “You ever tried it?” Nate glanced over his shoulder and winked at Kyle. “You might like it.”

         “Fuck you.” Kyle laughed and flipped him off.

         “Exactly.” Nate grinned then turned around and walked up the trail backwards as he beckoned to Kyle, his voice ominous. “Come to the dark side, city boy. Join us.”

         “Go to hell, you fuckin' fairy.”

         Nate grinned. “According to preacher Tom that is where I'm going...might as well enjoy the ride. Get me as much cock as I can before I fry.”

         The smirky grin on Kyle's face faltered a bit. “You really believe that shit?”

         “What shit?”

         “That you're going to hell.”

         Shrugging, Nate faced forward again. “It's in the bible. And who can argue with the big man upstairs?”

         “And it doesn't bother you?” Kyle asked sincerely. “To think you might go to hell?”

         “Can't do anything about it.” The lightness was fading from Nate's voice. “It is what it is.” He shrugged again. “I am what I am. I didn't ask to be this way, but I don't have a problem with it. And if God does...well, ain't much I can do about that. No sense in worrying about something that's out of your hands. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts.”

         Both men fell silent as they trudged up the steep trail. Kyle stuffed his hands deep into the pockets of his thick jacket.

         “Fuck, it's cold.” He muttered low, his eyes on Nate's back. The man just grunted and kept moving.

* * * *

“Ha. Told you it was here.”

         Nate and Kyle broke out of the trees to find the tiny cabin nestled against the thick trunks of the tall evergreens. The place looked abandoned, forgotten. A thick layer of greenish brown moss covered the shingle roof which seemed to sag a bit in the center. Whithered briers wrapped around the small porch railing like dead fingers and grass and weeds stretched up to the bottoms of the windows.

         “Nice.” Kyle quipped. “Definitely in running with the Plaza.”

         “Don't be a weeny.” Nate smacked Kyle's shoulder. “Come on.”

         Nate walked through the dead weeds and grass towards the shamble of a cabin. Kyle hesitated then followed with reluctance. He stood back when Nate stepped up on the porch.

         “You really trust that thing to hold you?” Kyle asked doubtfully. “The whole fucking place looks like it's about to fall down.”

         Nate tested the porch then stomped his foot on the weathered planks. “Solid as a rock-” His foot smashed through the porch, nearly dropping him on his ass. He swore sharply and jerked his foot out of the hole.

         “Yeah.” Kyle lifted his eyebrows. “Solid as a rock.”

         Nate grabbed the door handle and twisted. The door stuck. Nate slammed his shoulder against it and it burst open, snapping off a piece of the frame as Nate stumbled inside.

         “Oh god.” Kyle groaned and closed his eyes, shaking his head. “Why the hell do I let him talk me into this shit?”

         “Get your whiny ass inside.” Nate hollered from deep in the gloom and shadows of the cabin.

         Groaning again, Kyle stepped up on the porch with caution, testing each board before he put his weight on it. He hopped over the hole Nate had made and entered the cabin. His nose instantly wrinkled at a vague stench that lingered heavily in the air.

         “God, did something die in here?”

         “Probably.” Nate looked around. It was a one room cabin with a small rock fireplace, a crudely fashioned wood table, a wooden counter along one wall that was badly nicked up and beginning to grow its own layer of moss.

         “You're fucking kidding me, right?” Kyle looked at Nate. “We are not staying here.”

         “Take a look outside, dude.” Nate nodded towards the open door. “It's almost dark. And those little white things starting to fall...those ain't fluffy pieces of cotton, bro.” He glanced at the fireplace. “We'll build a fire and it'll be fine.” He grinned at Kyle. “Just be glad you got a hillbilly homo to look after you.”

         “Fuck.” Kyle shifted his feet and shivered. “If it wasn't for the hillbilly homo I wouldn't even be here.”

         Nate chuckled. “You're welcome.”

         In less than fifteen minutes, Nate had a warm fire going, as promised. Kyle knelt before the flames and warmed his hands. He glanced at Nate who just looked at him smugly.

         “Ok, mountain man, you built a fire. So what're we gonna eat?” Kyle asked smartly. “I'm fucking starving.”

         Nate grinned and shrugged. “We could find whatever died and roast it over the open flame.”

         “You are a sick bastard.” Kyle chuckled.

         “Yeah, well...the bastard part's right.” He laughed and sat down, leaning against the side of the fireplace. “Actually so is the sick part.”

         Kyle laughed and nodded his agreement.

         “Guess we'll just have to go hungry till morning.” Nate scooted lower and drew up his knees a bit, stuffing his hands in his jacket pockets. “You should know, as well, that this fire ain't gonna do shit to keep us warm as soon as night hits full on.”

         “What?”

         “We won't freeze to death.” Nate assured. “But it's gonna be one cold ass night nonetheless.”

         “Great.” Kyle muttered. “I fucking hate the cold. That's why I live in Southern California. Thanks a lot for dragging my ass up into your winter wonderland.”

         Nate grinned. “Well, if you get too cold...we could cuddle.”

         “Fuck.” Kyle shivered and laughed. “You just keep your homo ass on your side of the cabin.”

         “Just an option.” Nate shrugged and huddled lower in his jacket. “Might be an option worth considering here in a bit.”

         “Yeah, right.”

         “Just saying.”

         “Yeah. I heard ya.” Kyle snapped with a clear edge to his voice.

         Nate cocked an eyebrow. “What's with you?” He asked. “I was just fucking with you. Why so touchy all of the sudden?”

         “Nothing. Sorry.” Kyle mumbled. “It's just...I'm not exactly having the time of my life, ok?”

         “Pardon me.” Nate ducked his chin down into the collar of his jacket. “Next time I'll leave your sissy ass in the city.”

         “Yeah, well, thank you. I'd appreciate it very much.”

         “Fuckin' pussy.” Nate muttered low.

         “Cocksucker.”

         Nate raised his head slowly and looked at Kyle soberly. Kyle stared back him, eyes hard. Both guys burst out laughing.

         “You got me there.” Nate choked on a laugh.

         “Fuck.” Kyle shook his head, chuckling. “Why can't I get pissed at you? You drag me out here into this godforsaken place, wreck the truck and make me freeze my ass off walking a thousand miles into the fucking mountains to spend the night in a broken down shack...I should be kicking your ass right about now.”

         “As if.” Nate grinned. “Besides, you didn't have much of an ass to freeze off. So quit complaining.”

         “Fuck you.” Kyle said. “I have a fine ass. Just ask the beach babes.”

         “Ask a chic?” Nate scooted up a bit. “Dude, a girl ain't no reliable judge of whether a man's got a fine ass. She's too busy trying to get the guy to look at her ass. Only another guy can judge the quality of your buttocks.”

         Kyle laughed. “Whatever, queer-bo. I ain't showing you my ass.”

         “Don't have to. I already know it ain't impressive.”

         Kyle chuckled and shook his head. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I know I got it going on.”

         “In your dreams, buddy.”

         “In your dreams.”

         Nate laughed and watched as Kyle sat down against the other side of the fireplace and huddled low in his jacket. Problem was...Kyle was right. He was the boy of Nate's dreams, the only player in his fantasies. That day, when they were fourteen and Nate had kissed him, Nate knew then and there that he was in love with Kyle and always would be. But Kyle wasn't like that. He was hardcore heterosexual and Nate knew it. He wasn't about to throw away an awesome friendship by telling the guy he loved him and longed for him like no one else.

         “Tomorrow.” Nate spoke low. “When we get back down to civilization...I'll treat you to the biggest, fanciest breakfast you've ever had. My way of apologizing for this shitty trip.”

         Kyle smiled, his face still stuffed down into his jacket. “Come on, man. It ain't so shitty.”

         “The fuck it ain't.” Nate laughed.

         “Ok, so maybe it is.” Kyle chuckled then lifted his head and looked at Nate through the flickering firelight. “But I'm with you, man. And you can make even the shittiest trip fun.”

         “You're telling me you're having fun?”

         Kyle shrugged and grinned. “It could be worse.”

         “How?”

         Kyle laughed. “I don't know, actually. But it can always be worse, right?”

         “I suppose.”

         “Well, I mean, we could be stuck without a fire and I would have to snuggle up to your fruity ass to stay warm.” He glanced at Nate and grinned. “Now that would be worse.”

         “Uh huh.” Nate pressed his lips together and smiled. “Don't kid yourself, city boy. You'd love it.”

         “Maybe if you had tits.”

         “I got tits.” Nate smirked. “They're just real firm.”

         “Fuck.” Kyle chuckled. “I like 'em a bit softer, squeezable, ya know.”

         “Whatever.” Nate shrugged. “Don't know what you're missing, bro. Ain't nothing like sucking on a guy's chest.”

         Kyle laughed.

         “As a matter of fact, there ain't nothing quite like sucking a guy's-”

         “Oh fuck. Shut up!” Kyle yelled. “Over share!”

         Nate pressed his head back against the fireplace and laughed out loud. He wiped tears from his eyes and shook his head. “Oh god, you're so easy.”

         “Yeah.” Kyle shuddered. “Don't you wish.”

         Nate chuckled again then cleared his throat as he gazed into the gloom of the cabin. Even with the fire, the cold was creeping through his jacket and jeans, chilling his skin. He glanced at Kyle who was huddled in his jacket but still clearly cold. The fire probably wouldn't last all night. There wasn't much left to burn. He wanted to be sitting next to Kyle, sharing body warmth. But that wasn't the only thing he wanted to be sharing with his friend.

         Kyle slowly dozed off as Nate did his best to stay awake and keep the fire going for as long as possible. When it finally died down to coals and he had nothing left to throw on it, he pulled his jacket tighter around himself and tried to stay warm. The cabin fell into darkness as the fire died away. A faint pale glow pressed at the windows but wasn't strong enough to penetrate the gloom inside the cabin.

         “Fuck.” The biting chill was seeping deeper into Nate's body. He could barely see Kyle through the darkness just a few feet away, but he could hear his staggered breath as shivers ran through him in his sleep.

         God, he had really gotten them in some shit. Why was he so insistent on making Kyle into a country boy? He loved the guy just the way he was – citified and everything. But he knew. He did it as an excuse to mess with Kyle, and bring him out here and be alone with him. For whatever reason, when he and Kyle were out amongst nature, he felt close to Kyle on a different level. A more intimate level. Though he was pretty sure Kyle didn't feel it.

         Still, he felt guilty for getting Kyle into this situation. He hadn't intended for this to happen. Putting the truck in the ditch had been pure accident.

         Kyle shivered hard in the darkness. Nate crawled over close to him and wrapped his arm around the guy's shoulder and pulled him against him. Kyle could just deal with snuggling with his homo friend. Heat was more important.

         Kyle mumbled incoherently in his slumber and huddled closer to Nate. Nate unzipped his jacket and drew Kyle in closer, wrapping the edges of the jacket as much as he could around his friend. Kyle's arms slid around his waist and his head rested on Nate's chest.

         Swallowing thickly, Nate held him tight in his arms, his lips pressed against the top of Kyle's head. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of his hair. Kyle used a men's shampoo that had a faint musk cologne smell to it that sent tiny electric shocks snapping through Nate's body.

         Doesn't it bother...that you might go to hell?

         If he was going to hell for this, for feeling this way...for loving another man the way he loved Kyle...then bring it on. It would be well worth it. Because there was no way in hell that he would give up this feeling, this love – albeit secret – for even the salvation of his own soul. He couldn't imagine living life without being in love with Kyle. Kyle was his heart.

         His eyes stung and he blinked back the tears. Kyle was worth the anguish he suffered. He would love the guy till the day he died, and even then – be it in heaven or hell.

         Kyle shifted in his arms. “What the fuck you doing?” He mumbled, still half asleep.

         “Keeping you warm, dumb ass.” Nate whispered.

         “Whatever.” Kyle was fading back into sleep. “Just keep your homo hands to yourself.”

         Nate smiled and lightly kissed his hair. “As you wish, man.” He whispered and closed his eyes again as sleep grabbed at him.

         Was he really damned to hell for being what he was? Could something that felt this right...really be so wrong? Did the bible even really condemn him? He didn't know. He'd never read it for himself. Just listened to what others thrust at him.

         He did know that bible said God is love. How could God be love and not be a part of what he felt for Kyle? How could something so strong and beautiful not come from the very source of love itself?

         Maybe Preacher Tom and the others were wrong. Maybe God didn't hate him.

         Nate smiled and kissed Kyle's hair again, breathing in his wonderful musk scent.

         Maybe he and Kyle both would be in heaven one day, no secrets between them.

         Maybe then...Kyle would love him too.

         Maybe...Nate would just have to wait and see.