My Darkness

My Darkness

I feel a cold washing in and over me.
It is that, sometimes, I feel I am the darkness
or that I harbor and emit a part of it
onto those closest to me.
Unable to be more than a shadow
or a cold ghost of what once was
This is my darkness

It's not a good feeling to be dark,
cold, numb, hopeless, motionless
helpless to bring light and warmth to those loved
a warmth, light and reassurance
that they ask for, seek and need.
I exist, yet am unable to give
not even knowing myself
This is my darkness

I wonder how I became what I am?
change occurs subtly, quietly
Prolonged misdirection of thought
cosmic forces acting upon
inner desires and secret wishes
there is no going back
signs point away from perceived light
This is my darkness

Forced smiles propagate no real light
settling, existing brings thin contentment
stifling a stirring restlessness
Did I hide in the dark recesses too long?
I miss those days of simplicity
yet am lost to them
as much as they are lost to me
This is my darkness

I am floating suspended again
fully aware of the harm, pain,
and damage I bring those
through my action or inaction.
There is no easy way
to discern which leads to light.

One's happiness shouldn't arise
from the pain of others.
Self-loathing, doubt, and despair run rampant
through my mind, heart, and soul
This is my darkness