Flashing Lights

Flashing Lights

          In 1972, I had finished a summer school adventure at Bridgewater State College just before my sixteenth birthday. I looked forward to showing off all that I had learned during my time of taking a Geometry course there. Up until that time I had been an extreme introvert and had little confidence in intellectual abilities. I was learning that there was a person inside me I liked.
         I enjoyed my new realizations until a month later when I noticed my younger brother Kurt zoning out on a regular basis. I felt burdened with helping him out of this rut. He had always been the extrovert and athlete. I had been the studious bookworm, seeking answers within to help those on the outside. I enjoyed seeing him pitch no-hitters and field ground balls at shortstop. We often raced each other with him coming out the winner. In return for these experiences I often did his homework for him. I was frustrated at Kurt's inability to fight with persons who were his peers or younger. One time in the library I was face to face with a brutish thug who liked bullying my brother. I felt helpless; why couldn't Kurt stand up for himself or at least get help? This created tension between us. I told my parents that I felt like Kurt was having problems that I felt powerless to do anything about, they would not listen.

          My mom had opportunity that November to visit her favorite Aunt in Florida. She was getting burnt out catering to a growing family in Massachusetts and a trip to Florida seemed to be just what the doctor ordered. She made plans and off she went by airplane to a place far away. Dad was faced with taking care of the five of us, while working full-time in a factory. As the oldest of six I felt responsible for helping everything go smoothly until she got back. The trip took place in the beginning of the month and my burgeoning sense of helplessness and frustration was overwhelming.

          I was at school a couple of days after Mom left. In those days there were double sessions, which meant while I was getting ready to leave high school Kurt was just getting started. As I was getting ready to leave, He seemed listless even more so than usual. My legs swung back and forth anxiously. I who had tried to be the strong, felt like petrified wood turned to mush. I only knew that I had to be there for my four other siblings who would be at home soon after. Kurt would have to fend for himself.

          Shortly after I go home, Dad called me on the phone and asked me if I could go with him to the hospital. I felt a sense of panic and foreboding. An ambulance with flashing lights arrived at the emergency room entrance. I watched in horror as I saw Kurt being wheeled into an ER examining room. He looked as stiff as a board with eyes staring straight ahead. There were doctors that tried to get him to respond. Other than breathing and warm skin he seemed like he was dead. Due to the fact I did not make more of an effort to get him help I felt responsible--how could I somehow raise him out of his lifeless stupor. I would later learn that he was in a catatonic state. He was diagnosed as having *paranoid schizophrenia. While Dad was taking care of the family the doctors asked if I could stay with Kurt to see if I could get him to respond. He continued to stare in space. It was as if I was not even there. The end of the world had happened in a moment that seemed like an eternity and I had no answer. To this day whenever I see flashing lights I am transported to that moment. From then on, I could never be the same. Kurt, for better or worse is with me wherever I go.

*The classic features of paranoid schizophrenia are having delusions and hearing things that aren't real. (from Mayo Clinic)

**Kurt was in an independent type of situation until he could no longer be trusted to take care of himself. Currently he is housed in a facility where all his needs are being addressed. I have not seen him for ten years(I live in Kansas), though I talk to him on the phone. I did get to see him and staff noted that they had never seen him so happy. He currently also is dealing with Alzheimer's. I am grateful for what God is teaching me through his life.