Lesson #6--Writing Assignment

Final Overall Grade for Comma Sense Class:
Lesson #1-----97.86
Lesson #2-----83.11
Lesson #3-----89.86
Lesson #4-----82.19
Lesson #5-----90.45
Lesson #6-----86.86

Average of all 6 Lessons
88.3883%
B+






Stranded!

         If, in your lifetime, you get a chance to explore different possibilities of getting lost to get adventurous, take it. This is a story in an icy snowy winter that happened to me some years back. With 8-10 inches having had plummeted down into our fenced-in yard, we again made a path to throw apples in the snow for the deer. This was going to be some kind of adventure!
         The snow looked as thick on either side of the road, as the accumulation of mounds of beach sand driving straight into a favorite spot at the ocean of the off-the-beaten path of a beach on the western side of the Gulf of Mexico in Florida. The car exhausts in front of you fade into mesmerizing, heated droplets at first sight. It, of course, might be easy to say that the snow looked like white cotton candy on the branches of nude trees, and, yes, beautiful, yet the desolation of this pristine scene of winter; a true picture of agitating, near-zero weather where one should not dare go out to investigate.
         We took a wrong turn to the Fruit Farm, for we went past several horse farms and, maybe, three or four miles out into the wrong direction, until we knew we were lost. Nothing was visible but a snow plower. Suddenly, we saw a young fellow on a farm tractor who was willing to direct us out the open main road where we could travel back in the right direction. We finally reached Shaffer’s Fruit Farm.
         ”I don’t think you ought to chance going over that bridge and into that unplowed snow, honey,” I uttered to Bill.
         "I see the barn up there. I’m going with it,” he replied.
         We plundered through it, and, suddenly, the snow hit the windshield in a blast, and all we could see was thick, white stuff in front of us. He used the wipers because then we realized we were, maybe, twenty or so feet from the barn where the apples were sold. Our predicament was apparent! We were in the middle of a snowdrift! Bill floored it, and he made it to a big red barn. I got out, I rang a bell, and I waited. Nothing moved in the crisp air, as the snowflakes came tumbling down around me. Noone showed. So, we tried getting out of this massive snow, appleless, we thought. After his tires spun and I smelled rubber, someone shouted at us from behind. There was a frail woman standing there in a plaid hooded jacket, like an angel. I got out again and immediately bargained with her for two big bags of apples. We weren’t going home with nothing, if we could help it! I trudged to the car with the apples in my arms, slung them in the trunk, and got back in the car. The woman watched us carefully.
         ”Turn it with a quick right. Get up on the road!”, the woman screamed.
         Bill, suddenly, like a miracle, did so. We were now on flat ground, had gotten over the bridge, and sped down the road. We were slipping and sliding.
         We had been stranded for about thirty minutes. With all those good working parts, having a new car probably saved us from abandonment of it. We got home, we diced some apples, and we put them out for the next morning so the deer could eat them. Bill did so want to be just like his wildlife-loving neighbors who had been doing this for so long. This memorable story was one of many.
         At about 7:15 A.M.,deer came for food.




Word Count:700



Comments and Assessment

[-1] The snow looked as thick on either side of the road, as the accumulation of mounds of beach sand driving straight into a favorite spot at the ocean of the off-the-beaten path of a beach on the western side of the Gulf of Mexico in Florida.
As...as are correlative conjunctions (Exception #24x) and no comma should be used between them.

[-.50 comma error] and [-1 grammar error] It, of course, might be easy to say that the snow looked like white cotton candy on the branches of nude trees, and, yes, beautiful, yet the desolation of this pristine scene of winter; a true picture of agitating, near-zero weather where one should not dare go out to investigate.
There are some comma errors here as well as awkward sentence structure. You are calling the trees beautiful yet desolation? That doesn't make sense. You should have used another adjective as you contrast the trees as beautiful yet desolate. Desolation is a noun.
No comma goes before and because what follows is not an independent clause. It is a phrase. A comma rather than a semicolon goes before the absolute phrase a true picture of agitating, near-zero weather where one should not dare go out to investigate
It, [23] of course, [23] might be easy to say [7] that the snow looked like white [4] cotton candy on the branches of nude trees [1xd] and, [12] yes, [12] beautiful, [24] yet desolate of this pristine scene of winter, [16] a true picture of agitating, [3] near-zero weather [13] where one should not dare go out to investigate.


[-.66] We took a wrong turn to the Fruit Farm, for we went past several horse farms and, maybe, three or four miles out into the wrong direction, until we knew we were lost.
The adverb maybe is adjunctive in this sentence. Also, no comma goes before the subordinating conjunction until.
We took a wrong turn to the Fruit Farm, [1] for we went past several horse farms and [15] maybe [15] three or four miles out into the wrong direction [13] until we knew we were lost.


[-.50] He used the wipers because then we realized we were, maybe, twenty or so feet from the barn where the apples were sold.
The adverb maybe is adjunctive in this sentence.
He used the wipers [13] because then we realized we were [15] maybe [15] twenty or so feet from the barn [13] where the apples were sold.


[-1] Nothing moved in the crisp air, as the snowflakes came tumbling down around me.
No comma goes before the subordinating conjunction as.
Nothing moved in the crisp air [13] as the snowflakes came tumbling down around me.


[-.50] So, we tried getting out of this massive snow, appleless, we thought.
No comma goes after the coordinating conjunction so used here as an Introductory Transitional Word.
So [11x] we tried getting out of this massive snow, [23] appleless, [23] we thought.


[-1] We weren’t going home with nothing, if we could help it!
No comma goes before the subordinating conjunction if.
We weren’t going home with nothing [13] if we could help it!


[-1] ”Get up on the road!”, the woman screamed.
Use commas to separate a Dialogue Tag from a direct quote or internal thought unless the direct quote or internal thought ends with a question mark or exclamation mark.
”Get up on the road!” [25] the woman screamed.


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Overall

Out of 41 sentences [606 words], you missed 6.16 points for a grade of 84.98% [B