The Krakens

Dear Human Sally,
I love this new human pen-pal program we’re doing in school. It’s really fun talking to a human. So, why don’t I like Christmas you asked me.
Well, it’s not that it’s bad per say. It just isn’t good... Mama rushes around fussing over presents buying all my siblings’ presents for them to give and ignoring me (I was never her favorite). Papa arguing, “We shouldn’t spend so much on presents for these whining children Amelia!” He always emphasizes the ‘Amelia’ as if he is the whining child. And my siblings never bother to do any work.
Personally, I love to make presents and see them all lined up under the Christmas tree. Like a train, waiting to be torn open and stared at with awe. The only problem is, each Christmas I never get to open them. Not a single one!
See the ‘Santa’ that you probably praise along with every other human, is really a hoax. I don’t mean to put a damper on your Christmas cheer. He is a real person and all, he’s just the laziest person you’ll ever meet, if you ever do. He’s not some jolly good-willed spirit like you think. He can’t lift a hair on his beard save making gazillions of presents each year. No, we have to do all the work.
We krakens’ make the anorexic Barbie dolls, the overly hairy boots, and even hunt fish for their skins. Yeah, the handbag you got last year took ten red snappers; sorry if you thought it was actual snake skin.
We wrap them up in pretty wrapping paper and tie big bows on the tops. Then we float them up to the surface of the ocean where Santa gives them all away to you humans. And then Santa goes and takes all the credit!
You humans think he’s the saint! And what are we? Mythological monsters that kill people (That was my brother-in-law and it was one time! He’s in jail now though so don’t worry, I’ll never understand why my sister married him), or that we don’t even exist! Well that was until this pen-pal program was started. Even so, some humans still believe we’re harmful, and you’re the ones doing more damage to us. Our realms are covered in plastic bags, soda cans, and black stuff that I’m pretty sure is not all from the squids.
No offense to you. At least you made an effort with that environment protection thing you told me you did. Thanks so much by the way.
Besides the whole no present thing, our Christmas lights keep shorting. They’re my second favorite thing about Christmas and without them it just feels dark. Of course our lights are water proof designed, but they only last for so long. Half of them don’t work now and Papa doesn’t even want me to put them up this year. He says we’re reducing to ‘human levels’ and to him that means we’re basically becoming stupid apes. But I know you humans are much smarter than that. Right?
Haha just kidding. At least we get Christmas rolls! You probably wouldn’t like them though. They’re made of seaweed. You guys eat like Christmas sugar and butter patties right? That sounds so gross to me, but enjoy them anyway!
Hope you write back!
- Kraken Aquwen
P.S. Next time don’t tell the police I’m writing to you, a submarine knocked the shingles of our roof and Papa was pretty mad.