Confessions of a Glass Princess

As I look in the mirror I see the resemblance of a eccentric porcelain doll.. A delicate Princess that has been put together by the fragile ceramic glass it has been made of. Emotionless, she displays a perfectly painted on face, sitting silently, with complete void of any thought or feeling. For her sole purpose of existence, is to be for the pleasure of others. The difference between myself and that frail Princess, is as she sits peacefully on the mantel she is content with her purpose of existence. For as I have never known the contentment of peace. Even still I put on that painted on smile, exhibiting the replica of that Glass Princess day after day.

But unlike her, behind the mask, I carry the burden of a hidden storm, conjured by torment and misery. A broken heart with a wounded soul; a poor carbon copy of the person I could have been. I should have been the mother I was meant to be. I could have had a family with a purpose to wake up every morning. But I was young and naive, and I let manipulation and greed take everything that gave my life meaning. My purpose, my essence for living, everything I had that kept me grounded, stolen. Taken by deceit and betrayal which left a void and vacancy that plagues the very core of my soul that no amount of drugs or alcohol will ever fill. The betrayal behind the loss of my reason for living has left me with the inability to ever trust or feel, for that pain has consumed me and there is no room for anything else. For which has condemned me to the confined solitude filled with a nothingness that has become my only comfort.

For six years I have worn this mask, a poor imitation of that beautiful Glass Princess. Void of all emotion with the sole purpose to please others. As it turns out, all the abuse I have with stood over the years, along with the loss and betrayal was just too much for me to bear. So I roam the earth faking a smile to conceal the raging storm hidden beneath this forgery of the person you see. I envy that Princess, for she shall never feel the exploitation and anguish for which I have been cursed with, day after day. If that Glass Princess should happen to fall, the delicate ceramic for which she is made, will shatter. The blessing that she has been bestowed with is that she shall never feel the cracking and breaking of her fragile porcelain body. The storm for which I carry around concealed has not been so merciful to me, for I have felt ever stab, every crack, and every break from the fall that I have taken. The internal wounds I have suffered I fear may never heal.

As this costume I display to the Masquerade that is of my life begins to smoother me, I feel the exhaustion and weariness beginning to settle in and become comfortable. All the while my confidence and faith are slowly beginning to fade. With every wrong turn and every dead end, this maze of manipulation seems to never end. Deception hides in ever corner and with every shadow follows hatred. The eyes see what the brain wants them to see, and we have been taught to see what we have been told to see. People are taught what to think instead of how to think. We let the words of the self righteous convince us of their character, instead of shutting out their words and watching their actions. For their actions will ultimately show you their true character. If this could be taught and practiced, we could fight against the manipulation and deception that has shattered so many lives. But for now, as that Glass Doll lays shattered on the floor never to be the same again, I too am secretly carrying that burden of being shattered and to never be able to be the same. For that Glass Princess and I are as one.

12/14/2012

-Jen Skinner-