Heart to Heart

Heart to Heart

Written By:Dreamer0602

         I was eighteen when I got pregnant.I was fresh out of foster care and was obviously clueless to what could happen when having sex.I guess I just thought it couldn't happen to me.After all,I had been having sex since I was fifteen.He was hot and I was in love, or so it seemed.At that time any one could have said that they loved me and I would have believed it.I had such low self esteem.As if getting myself pregnant wasn't bad enough,I was also homeless,due to trying to commit suicide a couple of months earlier.My aunt had put me in a group home and of course I didn't stay put.I met the father of the baby at one of those day labor places.He was a decent guy,at least compared to some of my other boyfriends.He never hit me or anything and I believe even to this day that he did care about me.



         

I had a history of mental illness;diagnosed bipolar.I had been on and off of my medication ever since being released from foster care.The father of the baby and I were living in a motel,it was obvious to me that he wasn't any more ready for this than I was.Between my bipolar and just being scared of what was happening to my body,I made a decision to leave.Maybe that wasn't the bad decision,but leaving with a guy I didn't know was.I ended up going to another state with this man.He became physically abusive and by the grace of God,my unborn child wasn't hurt.He went to jail and I ended up in a domestic violence shelter.A strong community pulled together and helped me in so many ways.I got stable on my medication,was seeing a doctor I came to love,even got my first apartment.



         

Over the months of my pregnancy,I prepared for what was coming.I never really considered adoption.I thought that this could be the chance to do better for myself and my baby.I had a baby shower and was blessed.My pregnancy was very intense.Emotions and hormones produced a lot of tears and second thoughts.I reached out for help.I had over the years kept in contact with a woman who was actually my sixth grade school counselor and the one who helped get cps involved in my child abuse case as a child.I called her and let her know that I was pregnant and because she knew I had no family,she offered to come and be with me for the birth.I started to doubt whether or not I was capable of being a mom.Really I had no idea what a mom was.My own mother died when I was just eleven years old.



         

June 2,2002;I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.It was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.I fell in love immediately.I named him Jeremiah Alexander.I ended up having a c-section so it was going to take awhile for me to care for the baby on my own.My past school counselor agreed to stay with me for two weeks.During that time she helped me learn to take care of him.I was almost positive I could do this,and then she went back home.Jeremiah and I were alone.My hormones were all over the place and he was colicky.I think I cried more than he did.My medication wasn't helping me in the least.One day I broke down and called my case manager at the local mental health clinic and admitted that I couldn't do this and needed help.I had Jeremiah three weeks before my past school counselor came all the way back and got him.



         

It was only supposed to be temporary while I got my medication adjusted.After he left though,I got really sick and ended up in the state hospital.The days without Jeremiah felt long and empty.I was only there for three weeks and returned home.I went from waiting to get my medication adjusted to needing her to keep him until I could finish a C.N.A. course.I thought having a good job would help me to provide for him financially.She agreed and said that she would keep him as long as I needed.I went to visit him when he was six months.I also took a new boyfriend with me.Needless to say,I never finished school and that boyfriend was just another abuser.Finally,when Jeremiah was about nine months old,I went back to stay with the people who were taking care of him.I just thought being close to him would keep me focused.Soon after getting there I fell sick again.During that episode of mania I conceived my second child who also was a boy.I named him Caleb Michael.



         

During my second pregnancy I made the decision that adoption would be best for both boys.I signed the paperwork for Jeremiah before returning to the state I had just left.My past school counselor agreed to adopt both boys as long as it was open.She had wanted me to be an active part of their lives.I gave birth to Caleb Michael on January 30,2004.At that time I also got my tubes tied at the very young age of 21.The past school counselors name is Lynn.She is still a school counselor and is an amazing woman that I continue to admire.Jeremiah's name was eventually changed to Alex David.He is 10 today and Caleb is 8.They both attend the same elementary school that their mother works at.They are healthy and happy.I visit often and talk on the phone with them.I get pictures regularly.



         

I wanted to share my story to let others know that adoption can be a great thing.I love both of my boys very much but circumstances prevented me from being able to raise them in the manner I wanted.I broke the cycle of abuse and being poor.I wanted them to have the childhood I always dreamed about as a child.I feel beyond blessed everyday that this woman who has been by my side since I was a child myself has given me the chance to still be their mom.I still battle with my mental illness daily.I still have to deal with the past memories of a childhood that was anything but.I just continue to do the best I can.These days I am making better decisions for myself.