fear and readiness

Bitter thoughts race thru my mind. The hardest part of exposing myself is realizing what it is that I'm truly feeling or thinking. Often, my senses are so dulled that it seems I don't think or feel anything at all. I know I have my own thoughts, my own emotions - they are uniquely mine. No one else feels the things I feel the same way I feel them. They are deeply imbedded within my soul and I'm not sure if they"ll ever really come out i don't think I want them all to. I feel like I've stopped believing in myself. I don't know if what I'm feeling is really as important as responsibility, promises, emotions, and duty.

Does true love really exist? Psychology depicts love as a human phenomenon, composed of different levels of the body's response to certain chemicals that are released with physical and emotional contact. Those who know me know that I've said that a million times... Intimacy, commitment and passion are all parts of the illusion that is created by that release in the mind. I've found studies that show brain scans of people infatuated by love display a similarity to the scans of people with a mental illness. Isn't that funny? "Love" creates brain activity in the same areas that thirst, hunger, and drug cravings create activity. Yet, over time, this reaction to "love" mellows, and different areas of the brain are activated. That is amazing to me...

There is a period in a couple's life together where there is nothing but total self-less concern for the other person. There is strong commitment and emotional intimacy nothing else can compare to - but when hurtful things are said and done over and over, the chemicals that once flowed so freely and kept the bond strong and unfaltering stop their flow. The once strong love that was felt for another slowly deteriorates into empty love. the commitment remains but the intimacy and passion for each other begins to die. As the feelings of love dies and all the attachment you once felt for another is slowly torn apart, the more hurt is felt when hostility and bitterness is shown. Either by force or emotion - the suffering continues to grow until all the feelings of affection, attachment, compassion and overall ecstasy are ultimately replaced with annoyance, disappointment, frustration and regret.

What do you do when you get to the point of giving up? How do you deal with the insecurity and loneliness that comes from walking away from a long term relationship? When does enough become enough and you decide that you're better off alone and the toxicity of your former life is finally released to the past and a new life begins? Is it me? Am I the one that needs to change? How do I know? I have more questions than I have answers. Nothing fits just right like it used to and every answer I come up with ends up leading down a path I don't think I'm ready to take just yet.

Only time will tell - It's only life, right?