The Sass Epidemic

Captain Jean Luc Picard lay on his bunk, staring at the ceiling of his quarters. He was thinking about how he never gets time to himself, apart from at night, when Lieutenant Data is the only crewman on the bridge. Sometimes Picard just wished he lived on twentieth-century Earth. How much simpler it was, when the most impressive thing a man could have was a colour television! Suddenly, Data's voice came through the communicator on his bedside table.
"Data to Captain Picard," he said calmly, "you are needed on the bridge, sir."
Picard sighed. "Acknowledged," he muttered into the speaker. Captain Picard pulled on his shoes and attached his communicator to his uniform. Then, stretching slightly, he made his way up to the bridge.

Lieutenant Data was sitting in his chair when the captain entered the bridge.
"What is the problem?" Picard asked authoritatively.
"I was clearing out my old files, when a crewman wandered in. He called me a 'hater', and then left," Data replied.
"And this is important... how?" Picard asked angrily. Why did Lieutenant Data call him up there just to tell him this? It was completely irrelevant!
"Because I thought you might like to speak with him. He is in your office, and I feel he is being very odd," Data said in his flat voice.

Captain Picard grunted, then turned and marched into his office. He intended to send this man to his quarters, and go back to sleep. The man sitting on the desk was an ensign named Smyth. Picard wasn't sure of his first name.
"Sorry," Smyth sneered, "my hair is not for sale, darling!"
Data entered the room and informed Picard that Smyth was not the only one on board acting strange. Apparently Dr. Crusher had been getting mant people coming in and telling her they didn't feel well. Picard told Data to man the bridge, and that he would look into it.



When Captain Picard arrived at sickbay, he was greeted with a barrage of insults. Men, women and children of all races were there, lying on tables and sitting in chairs. They were being seen to by a team of doctors and nurses, including a rather distressed-looking Beverly Crusher.
"Oh thank goodness you're here, captain," she exclaimed over a young girl who was yelling 'oh no you didn't' and clicking her fingers.
"It seems as though almost everyone on board the Enterprise has suddenly become... rude!"
Picard wasn't quite sure how to answer.
"Do you have any idea what is causing it, doctor?" he asked her.
"I could probably find out if I tried, but I just have so many patients!" she replied loudly over the cries of the crew, "I'll try and isolate the problem."
"Make it so," Picard yelled over to her.

Captain Picard made an announcement that all bridge crew must report to the bridge at that instant, and then put the ship on red alert. Luckily, Data was not affected by this mysterious condition. Once all of the crew had assembled, he explained the situation.
The following discussion went like this:

Lieutenant Worf: "I feel fine, captain."
Captain Picard, "good. How about you, William?"
Commander Riker: "Don't call me William, baldy."
Captain Picard: "Commander, I hereby order you to shave your beard."
Mr. La Forge: "Don't you talk to him like that!"
Wesley: "Shut up, visor-face!"
Lieutenant Worf: "Nobody asked you, Wes!"
Captain Picard: "Nor did they ask you!"
Commander Riker: "Quiet, Jean Luc!"
Captain Picard: "How dare you speak to me like that!"
Wesley: "Troi, I never even liked you!"
Counselor Troi: "I have never sensed anything but stupidity from you."
Lieutenant Worf: "You're both idiots!"
Lieutenant Data: "Lieutenant Worf, kindly shut you misshapen face."
Everyone: "DATA!?!"
Data: "Was that unacceptable? My apologies, Lieutenant."

"Everyone, I think we have been affec-" Picard began to speak, but at that moment Dr. Crusher had come rushing onto the bridge.
"I have it!" she cried triumphantly, "I analysed the crew, and found that sass levels had gone up by 300%! So I made this antidote!"
"For goodness sakes, give it to us!" Picard exclaimed!



So the whole crew was returned back to normal, Riker didn't have to shave his beard, and Wesley apologised to Geordi (but not Troi).




THE END