Gathering Moss

Gathering Moss

Chapter One

The Globe

During my childhood I lived within a very large extended family, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and a very dominant Grandmother. Our Grandmother always insisted we have as many family get-togethers' as possible. It almost seemed natural and really the only world I knew while I was very young. There was my immediate family and my extended family of relatives on my mother side. My dads’ side of the family lived in High Point, NC. They were to far away to see very often. Money was always tight. So, seeing them always had to be during vacation. It was always fun and made me happy to see all my relatives who lived close by. I didn’t know it at the time but there seemed to be a rift between us. One I couldn’t understand at the time. However later in life I would consider my immediate part of the entire extended family to be the black sheep of the family.

Now the most important of my Grandmothers family get-togethers was Christmas. Every child loves Christmas, with all the great food, family and of course all the presents for us kids. We had some great cooks in our family. That meant some good eating. The whole event was exciting to anticipate with the presents always being the best part.

Christmas in our family was always held in two parts. There was Christmas Eve demanded by my Grandmother spent with the entire extended family. Then there was Christmas morning spent at home with our immediate family. Our extended family had grown so large that it started being a real task for my Grandmother to buy the right presents for the right child. And, to her that was so important. After all she had to be the perfect Grandmother in all respects including what gift she bought for what child. Somewhere in time I didn’t fit into her need to buy the right present for me. It wasn’t just with my family either.

As a child I was raised to be a strict RLDS church member. My whole families on my mothers’ side were all members and or priests. Since my mother was always seeking her mothers’ approval of course we had to attend church and all the socials presented by the church. That meant every year was vacation bible school. As a child I loved going to school. Any school it didn’t matter to me. So, naturally I loved vacation bible school until one year during one of the activities I won a prize. Wow I thought, “I won a prize.” I was thrilled inside and I felt happy. It was the first time I had won anything. The prize I won didn’t matter to me. It was just a small cheap magnifying glass. It was the idea that, “I won something.” I’m sure the adults who thought of this as a prize figured “Its just a magnifying glass good for a child, no one could get hurt by a magnifying glass”.

Now me being the ever so inquisitive sort of fellow knew exactly what I could and wanted to do with my new magnifying glass. I already knew that you could focus the Sunlight to a point and it would be hot enough to burn something. So as soon as they let us out for a recess I looked around and found a block of scrap wood. I immediately in the middle of the parking lot at the church began using the magnifying glass to burn my name into the wood. I thought to myself, “Wow it really works, how interesting.”  I was getting pretty good at it when one of the parents saw what I was doing. Oh my God, you would have thought I set the whole world on fire. Some adults came running over to me and immediately took my prize and block of wood and then declared, “He’s trying to start a fire, he can’t have something this dangerous.” It made me angry. It was obvious what I was doing. I wasn’t doing what I was being accused of. Then what would become a self-destructive natural instinct of mine “I held in my anger inside,” and that was last I ever saw of my magnifying glass or vacation bible school. Apparently some parents had decided that I was too hard to handle and I wasn’t allowed to return. I think it was one of the first times I felt like I wasn’t wanted. That somehow I didn’t fit in with others. I was different. It wasn’t long after that attending church became a distant memory as well.

As a child you have to depend on your parents to protect you. To ensure your being treated well by others. Unfortunately the same occurrences that happened to me in the outside world happened in my family as well. One Christmas turned into just one of those events that may have started the drastic change in me. Involving my attitude toward families and people in general. A belief, wither it was subconscious or conscience, of believing I really wasn’t wanted around by anyone. I just didn’t seem to fit in. So the farther I kept away from people the better off I would be and the less pain I would have to endure. So I thought.

I remember the last year I spent Christmas Eve with my extended family. I was six or seven. That year I  wanted a world globe. Maybe we were studying the world in school or something. I don’t know why exactly but I really wanted a globe for Christmas. I even remember telling my mother that exact thing all year; “I wanted a world globe for Christmas.” Well the year went by and Christmas was finally here. I thought to myself, “Am I going to get the globe I asked for and wanted so badly?” Now at our family Christmas functions we were always made to wait on the presents until after we had all eaten. It takes a long time to finish eating a banquet. Who wants pie when there are presents to be opened? Then the parents would choose two of us children to start handing out the gifts. I was one of the children to chosen. I was going to be handing out the presents. I could see a round present under the tree and I was so anxious to finally get to it. Oh how I hoped it was my globe!

Well present after present was handed out and Christmas joy filled the room. Not an inch of floor could be seen through all the shredded wrapping paper. Our Grandmother tried her best to keep the kids from tearing off the wrapping paper so she could reuse it again next year. Needless to say not much was savable. I handed out present after present with the same result. New screams of joy followed with each gift. Finally I reached a round object and it was addressed to me. With enthusiastic joy I quickly ripped off the wrapping paper. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. After years of receiving lame gifts from our Grandma which we always pretended to enjoy them. My Grandma had finally gotten it right and bought for me what I really wanted for Christmas. It was a World Globe! It’s hard getting much of any reaction out of me but with this gift I sounded just like the rest of the children in the room. I started yelling, “ THANK YOU GRANDMA THANK YOU SO MUCH.” When my Grandmother finally heard my screams of joy she looked over at me and said. “Oh no that’s not for you, I made a mistake that’s supposed to be for your cousin Mark.” Now since I was the one handing out the gifts from under the tree I knew Mark already had three other gifts and I haven’t even received one yet. She immediately took it away from me and gave it to Mark. That immediately soured my attitude and my Christmas. I know I was young but I remember thinking it wasn’t the first time she had given me a present only to take the present away from me. One year she had given me a night light and as soon as I plugged it into the wall to see if it worked she said, ”Oh no he can’t have that, he could get electrocuted,” and took it away from me. My own mother looked on each time apparently just happy to be satisfying her own mothers’ approval. Even at the cost of my feelings.

Well there were still several gifts under the tree so I figured I there must be something else for me. Gift after gift I continued to pass out the gifts until finally there were no more. Everyone was so happy and full of joy with their own gifts that no one noticed what had just happened. Not a single present for me. Talk about feeling all alone and not wanted, no one including my own mother had noticed that I didn’t receive any gifts. I was so hurt I just sat down on the couch and desperately wanted the whole night to be over. I couldn’t even cry. I still held out hope that my mother would see the injustice that had just happened to me and notice my excruciating pain. She never did that night and I never told her about until much later in life. Later when I finally did tell her what had happened she asked, “Why didn’t you say anything?” I replied, “Would have it made any difference?” Besides I had become accustom to holding in my anger. Today I think gifts that are received out of love are worthwhile. Whereas gifts that are given because they are expected are not.

It was a very long drive home afterwards. It seemed to take forever. Everyone else was happy but no one could see the devastating emotional pain I was in. After that year I refused to return to an extended family Christmas or any other extended family outing. I thought to my self, “Well if they don’t want to love me then I don’t want to love them either.” I came to expect this same treatment from everyone, family or friends. What a lonely feeling to have. To this very day I have yet to own a world globe, and you know what, “I still want one!”